Abusive father

1. Encouraging change through kindness

You can encourage good behavior by making him feel good about you — for example, by helping with groceries, buying him things he likes, and so on. This is done in the hope that he will change for the better.

Kindness in words and actions can change his attitude toward you. Give him genuine compliments, speak to him with a soft tone, and obey him in what he asks, as long as it is halal and not harmful to you.

Show that you value your religion and that you sincerely want to see him succeed in this life and in the next.

If you have done these things and he still does not seem to change at all, it becomes quite difficult. You may start thinking, "Then what will change him?"

Your role is to encourage change, because we cannot control how others treat us. If you encouraged him and he still chooses not to change, then you have done your best.

2. Demanding change through firmness

After encouraging him to change, you can try to send him clear and direct messages that you do not accept the way he is treating you.

You can involve the local Imam and explain your situation to him. If you are fortunate, he will help you with your situation, rather than simply telling you to stay patient. The advice of "staying patient" will not help you with your abusive father, as it will only worsen the situation the longer you remain idle.

Another option is to send him reminders of scholars who warn against abusive behaviors from parents. The aim of these reminders is not to shame, but to induce change.

Finally, you can maintain some distance from him by not being around much and by speaking only when necessary, in a direct and minimal way.

This will send a clear message that you are unhappy, and that you do not accept the way he is treating you. He will pick up on this and may change his behavior, as he is now seeing that you really mean it. This will make it more urgent for him to change.

If he changes his behavior after this and it becomes consistent without him falling back into his old patterns, then you have achieved your right of respectful treatment, without stepping over the bounds of Islam.

3. Seperation

Your final step to encourage change is to create some separation. This, of course, applies when your father is abusive and harms you to such an extent that it becomes unbearable to be around him.

Certainly, separation is difficult and challenging, especially when you are financially dependent on your father. However, that reality does not mean it is impossible to leave.

وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُۥ مَخْرَجًۭا
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِۦ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدْرًۭا And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them, and provide for them from sources they could never imagine. And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them. Certainly Allah achieves His Will. Allah has already set a destiny for everything.
[65:2-3 Quran]

Even when you feel stuck and cannot see a way out of the abusive situation you are in, know that Allah is capable of all things. He provides a way out for those who are mindful of Him and seek His help.

However, we must remind ourselves that we also have a responsibility. We cannot remain idle and simply hope for the best; action is necessary for change to happen.

If you are financially dependent on your father, you may be able to move into student accommodation if you are a student and receive financial support.

If you are not a student, moving out can be done with the help and support of social services. They can assist you in finding a safe place to stay and may provide financial support if you do not have a job.

If you do have a job and are able to support yourself, there are many options, for the earth is spacious. If needed, you can move to a different city or even a different country.

Certainly, it is often more difficult for daughters to move out than it is for sons. There is some social taboo surrounding girls moving out before marriage, but this taboo is not a valid excuse to remain inactive and take no steps to protect yourself.

Waiting for marriage to rescue you might only lead to greater harm and long-term problems. It is better to take early action in order to prevent further suffering.

Marriage is not meant to be a means of escape from abuse. It is a serious commitment, to be undertaken only when you are ready—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

The message that separation sends is that you do not tolerate abuse, and that you value yourself and your well-being.

It tells your abusive father that he can no longer get away with his harmful behavior—that you have strong boundaries and will not allow him to continue mistreating you.

It is permissible in Islam to distance yourself in order to protect yourself from abuse and oppression.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

Some people go against this narration by telling the victim to remain with their oppressor and simply be patient. This not only contradicts Islamic teachings but also goes against our natural inclination to help those in need.

Separation is a strong and effective way to demand change, as it places the toxic father in a difficult position where he is left with no other choice.

He is now forced to change his behavior, as continuing in his ways may result in losing you.

During the period of separation, you may still want to maintain minimal contact, as Islam encourages keeping family ties. If your father has not caused you deep trauma, then cutting ties completely would not be justified.

You should reach out to him occasionally—perhaps once or twice a week, or whatever is reasonable based on your relationship with him.

Distancing oneself from one’s parents is painful and extremely difficult. Our natural tendency is to remain close to them, but in certain cases, separation becomes necessary to protect your health and well-being. It is a tool to support you through the abuse you are experiencing.

This step is not meant to last more than six months. If the separation continues beyond that, it may indicate that there is deeper trauma in your relationship with your father. Normally, a loving father would not remain idle for months while his child distances themselves from him.

If he does not care enough to change his behavior, then the issue may run deeper. It may reflect that he is abusive in a deeply traumatizing way and unwilling to change for anyone. This reveals a lack of genuine care and love—something often present in relationships marked by emotional or psychological harm.

You may begin to feel that he does not truly love you, and that he is so consumed by ego that he is unable to care for others. He may continue to play the victim and blame others rather than take responsibility for pushing you away through his abusive behavior.

In such cases, it is Islamically justified to cut ties with him, as the trauma may be so severe that it leaves a person emotionally broken and unable to maintain any form of contact.

4. Seek support

Taking these steps is difficult and can be quite challenging. You might feel guilty for going against your father by doing so, but know that Allah is never unjust.

There are situations where it becomes justified to go against your father. You are not obligated to fulfill his every desire—you also have rights that he must honor. It would be deeply unfair if you had no way to protect yourself from the harm he causes.

In such circumstances, seeking support becomes essential. Guilt can become overwhelming when you do not know how to manage it.

Our Islamic counseling offers relief, helps you protect yourself, and supports you throughout your journey—through qualified professionals.

You also have the option to share your situation with a trusted friend who can support you during this difficult trial.

Not seeking help may make the situation more difficult than it needs to be. However, even without external help, you still have the ability to protect yourself from abuse. Support is there to provide ease and guidance along the way.

Allah will not become angry with you or forsake you when you distance yourself from your abusive father. He is the Most Just and wants you to feel safe and healthy.

Never would Allah order you to sacrifice your well-being and become a doormat for your father. Allah loves His servants, and He would never dishonor them like that.

Make duʿā to Allah and ask Him to relieve you of your pain and discomfort. He is always near, and He will support you throughout your journey. Trust that He will open doors for you in ways you never expected, and provide comfort and strength when you need it most.

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]