Is it allowed to cut ties with abusive parents?
First, let's see what cutting ties means. It involves completely severing contact—no reaching out, visiting, or even communicating via phone or text.
Second, when are parents considered abusive? Abusive parents violate their children's rights by neglecting their basic needs, which are essential for their well-being and healthy functioning.
In addition to this, abusive parents also cross many boundaries of their children. They often verbally abuse them, violating the boundary of respecting another human being. They might even cross their children's honor by sexually abusing them.
In any case of abuse, it is wrong and strongly condemned by Islam. Now, what does Islam say about cutting ties with abusive parents? And how to deal with all the verses and narrations telling us to maintain family ties and honor our parents?
Islam Condemns Abusive Parents
Does Allah honor abusive parents and give them a high status? We are taught to honor our parents at all times, but how much of this is truly unconditional? Are there conditions that need to be met? All these questions will be answered.
It is important to understand that not all parents are the same. Some are kind and gentle, while others may be harsh and harmful.
Parents hold a significant responsibility and have considerable power over their children. Unfortunately, some abusive parents misuse this power to hurt their children, creating an authoritarian environment where the children are treated like tools to fulfill the parent's desires, rather than being nurtured and supported.
Such an authoritarian environment is often created by narcissistic individuals, who use their children to gain validation from others, construct a false narrative, or even project their own anger onto them.
Then there are parents who may show a soft spot at times, but can also become utterly psychopathic, resorting to beating their children and saying the most hurtful things to them.
Do people truly believe that Allah honors such parents? What a great lie they attribute to Allah!
The Permissibility of Severing Ties with Abusive Parents
Islam never stands for injustice, nor does it approve of it in any way. It would be unjust and deeply unfair to tell a victim of parental abuse to stay with their abuser.
Yes, it is permissible to cut ties with an abusive parent if the victim is traumatized, suicidal, or emotionally broken. He is then justified to cut off contact and never reach out again.
If the victim of parental abuse does not experience trauma but is suffering in well-being due to exposure to toxicity, then maintaining a safe distance is justified, but cutting ties is not.
Some may attempt to manipulate or gaslight victims into maintaining ties with their traumatizers by presenting verses and narrations out of context.
This is truly sad, as it not only reveals that the person presenting these arguments is clearly mistaken, but also highlights their lack of sincerity.
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ مُحَمَّدَ بْنَ جُبَيْرِ بْنِ مُطْعِمٍ، قَالَ إِنَّ جُبَيْرَ بْنَ مُطْعِمٍ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّهُ، سَمِعَ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ " لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعٌ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"The person who cuts the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise."
[Sahih Bukhari 5984]
Cutting ties in Islam is considered a major sin. It is warned against, and those who do this without a valid excuse will not enter Paradise.
Every general rule has an exception, and in this case, the exception is when a person is being severely abused by their parents, to the point the victim feels suicidal, obliterated, and destroyed.
No one disagrees that keeping a victim of rape around their abuser is considered brutal and disgusting, so how can anyone claim this instruction comes from Allah!?
Certainly, Allah is never unjust. He would not command any victim of trauma to stay with their abuser. He is the Most Merciful, the Most Just.
Anyone who uses such general narrations to tell a trauma victim to stay with their abuser is no different than an abuser themselves.
Islam is about justice
There are plenty of verses and narrations that emphasize helping your brother in times of discomfort. Yet, some say that the victim should remain in discomfort just because they are his parents. How unjust!
Allah is never unjust, and it doesn't matter what people say. The truth is one, and truth is never found in injustice.
۞ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ
Indeed, Allah commands justice and grace…
[16:90 Quran]
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَآءَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَـَٔانُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ ٱعْدِلُوا۟ هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ خَبِيرٌۢ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ
O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allah, witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allah. Surely Allah is All-Aware of what you do.
[5:8 Quran]
Allah is the Most Just, and it would contradict His nature to instruct victims of abuse to stay silent and endure harm when they have the ability to protect themselves.
Below, we have shared narrations about being just by removing the oppressed from the oppressor, something many people sadly ignore and even contradict.
حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا مُعْتَمِرٌ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ". قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ " تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), it is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
[Sahih Bukhari 2444]
This narration clearly states that one should help the oppressed. Does one really think that helping the oppressed means to keep him around the oppressor?
Those who enable abuse go against this teaching and are, in fact, abusers themselves by allowing it to continue.
حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ بْنُ أَبِي إِيَاسٍ، حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ أَبِي ذِئْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا سَعِيدٌ الْمَقْبُرِيُّ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " مَنْ كَانَتْ لَهُ مَظْلَمَةٌ لأَحَدٍ مِنْ عِرْضِهِ أَوْ شَىْءٍ فَلْيَتَحَلَّلْهُ مِنْهُ الْيَوْمَ، قَبْلَ أَنْ لاَ يَكُونَ دِينَارٌ وَلاَ دِرْهَمٌ، إِنْ كَانَ لَهُ عَمَلٌ صَالِحٌ أُخِذَ مِنْهُ بِقَدْرِ مَظْلَمَتِهِ، وَإِنْ لَمْ تَكُنْ لَهُ حَسَنَاتٌ أُخِذَ مِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ صَاحِبِهِ فَحُمِلَ عَلَيْهِ ". قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ قَالَ إِسْمَاعِيلُ بْنُ أَبِي أُوَيْسٍ إِنَّمَا سُمِّيَ الْمَقْبُرِيَّ لأَنَّهُ كَانَ نَزَلَ نَاحِيَةَ الْمَقَابِرِ. قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ وَسَعِيدٌ الْمَقْبُرِيُّ هُوَ مَوْلَى بَنِي لَيْثٍ، وَهُوَ سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ، وَاسْمُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ كَيْسَانُ.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him."
[Sahih Bukhari 2449]
This narration says that the oppressor owes his victim, instead of the other way around.
Some people argue that victims of parental abuse still owe their parents, but this is both wrong and unjust. Once the boundaries of another human being are violated to the extent that the victim is left traumatized, any sense of owing is lost.
What would they say regarding a parent who rapes his daughter, does she still owe him!? How unjust would that be. Rather, such daughter does not owe her father anything, and Allah's curse is upon that father.
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
How can people claim to follow the Quran and Sunnah when they go against it? This narration teaches us that we should never hand over a Muslim to an oppressor. But what do most people do? Exactly the opposite.
Many argue that victims of parental abuse should stay with their abuser, effectively handing them over to the oppressor who continues to destroy their life. How unjust and unfair! Don't they fear Allah!?
A Muslim should protect those who are being oppressed, whether it's physical abuse, emotional abuse, or neglect.
Anyone who is being traumatized by their parents must be helped by providing a safe environment, away from their abuser. It is harmful for them even to be in the same room as their traumatizer, so how can anyone tell them to stay silent!? That is not Islamic; that is something else.
"Honor your parents"
Sure, anyone can understand that good parents deserve the right to be kind to and honoured. They have been treating their children with kindness and respect from childhood till adulthood.
Allah honors such parents, and orders the believers to do so as well. Whether they are believers or not, it does not matter to Allah in this case, as they treat their children with fairness.
And Allah is all about fairness, so He orders the believers to respond with fairness.
There are many verses and narrations regarding honoring parents, treating them with respect and kindness, and keeping ties with them.
Let's examine some of these verses and narrations, as they are often cited by those who oppose cutting ties with abusive parents, when in fact, they are not referring to abusive parents at all, but rather to good parents.
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا
For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]
This verse is probably the most beloved by abusive parents, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.
How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.
This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children in any way. They are honored and respected, and this is the instruction to the believers who have such parents.
If one were to say that this also applies to abusive parents, then he would be in the wrong. Awfully wrong.
وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا
And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]
This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.
Abusive parents do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his parents even if they physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve in that case!?
وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]
Al-Tabari said:
As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them."
[Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]
Al-Tabari continued on saying:
كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]
Al-Tabari said:
Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah:
"And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'"
This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance.
It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him."
[Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]
The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to merciful parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect.
If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.
Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ
And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]
Some abusive mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.
This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A devoted mother endures hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.
Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]
Allah says that the people are ordered to honour their parents. Of course, this does not include abusive parents, because what honour do such people deserve!?
Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.
The believers are ordered to honour their (good) parents, even if they were to order to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ " الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ. قَالَ " ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ " الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ". فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي.
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more.
[Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]
To be good and dutiful to ones parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is thus ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.
An oppressor and tyrannical parent does not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of people.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ " الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ. قَالَ " ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ " الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ". فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي.
Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father. "
[Sahih Bukhari 5971]
This is a valuable Hadith emphasizing the importance of the mother in Islam. The mother, who carries the child for 9 months and breastfeeds them for 2 years. The mother, who is always there for her child, providing the best care she can. This is the good mother, filled with compassion and love in her heart.
Then there is the abusive mother, who often repeats "Ummuka, ummuka, ummuka", trying to manipulate her children into compliance, regardless of her unjust behavior and oppression. This is the mother who has no goodness, lacking gentleness and love. She does not deserve to have the child, as she continues to break every boundary.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ " نَعَمْ ". قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا {لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ}
Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8)
[Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]
Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever. This is how a Muslim should be, just and fair.
However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.
It shows that parents do not always deserve to have close relationship with. There are conditions that need to be met. They should not fight you actively because of your religion and cause you to compromise. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, so this can be a reason to not be as close to them.
So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, and psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and making your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.
Allah hates the oppressors
How could anyone in their right mind say that Allah instructs victims of parental abuse to stay with their abuser!?
It is very wrong to make such claim. Not only does one then say Allah acts unjustly, but He also says that abusers are given great status, regardless of how they oppress others.
Abusive parents do not deserve anything good parents deserve. They do not deserve kindness or respect, as they do not show the same back. Allah will never instruct victims to honour their abusers.
Rather, Allah is all about fairness, so He instructs victims to honour themselves if they ever get oppressed. And whenever a person gets abused, he should not steep down to the level of the abuser by crossing boundaries as well. Rather, stay in boundary, and don't become vile and nasty.
This, however, does not mean you cannot reciprocate, given certain conditions. Allah allows for reciprocation when you are harmed, but it should always remain lawful.
Some verses showing Allah's hatred for wrongdoers
أَفَمَن يَتَّقِى بِوَجْهِهِۦ سُوٓءَ ٱلْعَذَابِ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ ۚ وَقِيلَ لِلظَّـٰلِمِينَ ذُوقُوا۟ مَا كُنتُمْ تَكْسِبُونَ
Are those who will only have their ˹bare˺ faces to shield themselves from the awful torment on Judgment Day ˹better than those in Paradise˺? It will ˹then˺ be said to the wrongdoers: “Reap what you sowed!”
[39:24 Quran]
Allah will not disregard any act of abuse. On the Day of Judgment, abusers will face the consequences of their wrongdoing.
وَوُضِعَ ٱلْكِتَـٰبُ فَتَرَى ٱلْمُجْرِمِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا فِيهِ وَيَقُولُونَ يَـٰوَيْلَتَنَا مَالِ هَـٰذَا ٱلْكِتَـٰبِ لَا يُغَادِرُ صَغِيرَةًۭ وَلَا كَبِيرَةً إِلَّآ أَحْصَىٰهَا ۚ وَوَجَدُوا۟ مَا عَمِلُوا۟ حَاضِرًۭا ۗ وَلَا يَظْلِمُ رَبُّكَ أَحَدًۭا
And the record ˹of deeds˺ will be laid ˹open˺, and you will see the wicked in fear of what is ˹written˺ in it. They will cry, “Woe to us! What kind of record is this that does not leave any sin, small or large, unlisted?” They will find whatever they did present ˹before them˺. And your Lord will never do injustice to anyone.
[18:49 Quran]
Nothing will be omitted; everything will be recorded and written in the book assigned to each person. The two angels document every deed we commit in this life, and on that Day, the wrongdoers will be confronted with the reality that nothing is overlooked or excluded from the injustices they once carried out.
وَأَمَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ فَيُوَفِّيهِمْ أُجُورَهُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ
And as for those who believe and do good, they will be rewarded in full. And Allah does not like the wrongdoers.
[3:57 Quran]
Allah utterly detests those who oppress others and spread corruption on earth, including oppressive parents.
Cutting Ties with Abusive Parents: A Justified Choice?
It is only allowed to cut ties with abusive parents if contacting them is impossible and declines your health and well-being, due to you being severely traumatized by them.
The victim of parental abuse can either experience trauma or not, this is dependent on the abuse one experiences.
Abuse can be of the light type as well. Take for example these acts of minor abuse:
- Minor form of Control or Over-direction – A parent trying to control or micromanage their child's decisions (such as choosing their clothes or activities) in a way that is limiting but not emotionally damaging.
- Overprotectiveness – A parent being overly cautious or protective, like discouraging their child from taking risks, but not to the point where it severely limits their independence or confidence.
- Comparing to Siblings or Peers – Mild, casual comparisons of a child's performance to siblings or peers that can lead to some feelings of inadequacy but are not continuously degrading or harsh.
- Minor Physical Abuse – Occasional physical actions like hitting or pushing, which cause pain but are not severely harmful. These actions still violate the child's personal boundaries and safety, even if the damage isn't extreme.
Such actions are often carried out by parents who sometimes struggle with self-control, allowing injustice to influence their decisions.
These actions do not justify the victim distancing themselves from the parent or cutting ties, as they are not emotionally damaging in nature. However, when they become persistent, they can cause emotional harm, making it justifiable to distance oneself from such a parent to protect one's sanity and well-being.
Not every form of injustice leads to trauma. For instance, sometimes parents may depend on their children for financial support, not out of malice, but as a way to stabilize themselves during difficult times. While these parents may not be harsh by nature, they might still act unjustly by taking advantage of this opportunity.
When there is no trauma, one cannot sever ties with their parents. However, in cases where the victim experiences severe abuse leading to trauma, they are allowed to cut ties.
Here are examples of abuse that lead to trauma, and allow the victim to cut ties:
- Rape
- Being threatened of death
- Physical torture
- Traumatic verbal abuse
- Traumatic physical neglect
- Traumatic emotional neglect
- Traumatic betrayal
- Traumatic financial abuse
A good rule of thumb is catching yourself saying "enough is enough" or when being around your abuser makes you feel extreme disgust or emotional devastation. If that is the case, it’s a sign that you are traumatized.
If you find yourself traumatized, then severing ties with your abuser is justified. Trauma can only occur when there has been a significant violation of personal boundaries.
When the absolute last thing you desire is to be with your parents, it is a clear sign that you are traumatized, emotionally drained, depleted, and desperately seeking for help.
The Effects of Cutting Ties
Cutting ties comes with various outcomes. You will face scrutiny for going against the family system, even if you have a valid reason for doing so.
Not everyone will agree with your decision, and this stems from either their ignorance or their conscious defiance of Allah's justice.
Abusive parents deserve nothing but the consequences of their own actions. Everyone is responsible for their behavior, and abusive parents will have to answer for the harm they have caused.
Here is a list of hurtful and shameless things that victims of parental abuse might hear:
- "You should forgive them; holding a grudge is a sin."
- "Allah commands us to respect our parents no matter what."
- "No matter what, they gave you life."
- "Some people have it worse."
- "Family is family, you’ll have to make amends eventually."
- "You only have one set of parents."
- "You must have done something to make them act that way."
- "You’re just being dramatic."
- "They did their best; you should be grateful."
You are justified in walking away from abusive parents who have traumatized you, to the extent that being in their presence harms you and destroys your health.
And it is upto the victim of this parental abuse, whether they would like to forgive their abuser or not. Forgiveness is not required, nor should they feel like they must forgive their abusers.
Demanding a victim of abuse to forgive their abuser is like telling a drowning person to be grateful for the waves that pulled them under.
It is okay not to forgive. Humans are not expected to forgive everything, just as no one would criticize a family for not forgiving the person who killed one of their loved ones.
Below, we have listed the pros and cons of cutting ties with traumatizing parents. Yes, there are still cons, even though this is the right thing to do if you want to maintain sanity and self-respect.
This does not mean that cutting ties with family members is acceptable in all cases. However, it is acceptable when the situation is so severe that it leads to major depression, suicidal thoughts, and harms your health.
It may also be helpful to seek advice and guidance from Islamic counselors who are experienced in dealing with this issue.
And sure, shame on those who cut ties with their family without having a valid excuse. But, this does not apply to victims of trauma from parental abuse.
If you find yourself wanting to cut contact simply out of a desire for revenge, without the primary reason being to protect your health and sanity, this is blameworthy, and you should not follow through. In this case, you are likely dealing with toxic parents who have not traumatized you.
However, if you are emotionally destroyed and cannot be around your abuser or speak to them without experiencing severe pain, then you are traumatized, and cutting ties would be justified.
Allah is the most Just, and He would not command those who have suffered trauma from parental abuse to endure a life of misery. He would guide them to protect themselves, create a safe environment, and prioritize healing and self-respect.
Anyone who tells a victim of trauma to feel ashamed for choosing to prioritize their own health and well-being by cutting ties with their traumatizer, should be the one feeling ashamed.
How could anyone blame a victim for choosing their own health and sanity!? That is unjust.
There is no blame in cutting ties with the traumatizer. Anyone who sees fault in this contradicts Islamic teachings, as Allah is with the oppressed. Forcing victims to stay in contact with their traumatizer only causes further harm, which is wrong.
There is also no blame for a victim of parental abuse to distance themselves, even if they are not traumatized (while maintaining contact), if it’s necessary to protect their well-being and sanity.
At some point, parents can lose their rights over their children. It all depends on how they treat them. If they are respectful and just, then Allah is with them. If they are oppressors and horrible people, then Allah does not stand with the oppressors.
Get supported and validated
Victims of parental abuse often feel alone, hopeless, destroyed and helpless. Allah commands every believer to help those who are being oppressed, whether by their own parents, or people around them.
Not standing up for truth and justice, is cowardice. No one should ever blame or guilt-trip a victim of parental abuse.
It is hard enough to be abused by your own family. To be betrayed by those around you only adds to this, and makes life even more miserable and unbearable.
Fortunately for you, Allah does not isolate victims of abuse. He encourages them to seek support from those who have been granted mercy and justice in their hearts, and who strive to support the wronged, regardless of the backlash that may arise due to societal taboos.
Seek help and guidance from those who truly understand parental abuse and trauma. This can be through Islamic counseling or the few individuals who speak out against this issue.
We have supported many victims who have endured severe abuse from their parents. While feeling heard is crucial, we also provide guidance for those navigating through this painful familial abuse.