Cutting Ties with Abusive Parents

Is it allowed to cut ties with abusive parents?

Abusive parents persistently undermine their child's well-being to the extent they begin to isolate themselves or become depressed. They put their child down by saying hurtful things, gaslight them, or withdraw affection/attention as a tool of control.

Islam doesn't tell a person to tolerate abuse, as that would be destructive. Allah values your well-being, it matters.

يُرِيدُ ٱللَّهُ بِكُمُ ٱلْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ ٱلْعُسْرَ Allah intends ease for you, not hardship
[2:185 Quran]

Because Allah wants what's best, He would not order a person to suffer and remain silent in the face of abuse.

Staying stuck with an abusive parent is harmful and Islam forbids a Muslim from harming himself, based on the narration:

حَدَّثَنِي يَحْيَى، عَنْ مَالِكٍ، عَنْ عَمْرِو بْنِ يَحْيَى الْمَازِنِيِّ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ لاَ ضَرَرَ وَلاَ ضِرَارَ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Do not cause harm or return harm." [Al-Muwatta, Book 36, Hadith 31]

It is permissible according to scholarly consensus, to cut ties with abusive parents when a person's trust has been destroyed, because it is from justice towards the victim to not owe their abuser anything when a certain limit has been crossed. Here are some examples:

• A parent who consistently humiliates and bullies their child through degrading verbal abuse, such as saying, "You are worthless," "I should have aborted you," or "You never meant anything to me."
• A parent who abandons their child at a young age, leaving them behind while starting a new life elsewhere without fulfilling their parental responsibilities.
• A parent who inflicts severe physical abuse, causing significant bruises, injuries, or lasting physical harm.
• A parent who commits sexual abuse or sexually exploits their child at any stage of their life.
• A parent who views their child as a tool for financial gain, services, or other personal gain, and neglect them when they have no need of them
• A parent who betrays through choosing to enable the other parent who is abusing the child
• A parent who makes serious threats against the life or safety of their child, their spouse, or grandchildren out of malice or revenge.

It is not wise to keep in touch with parents who seek to destroy or harm you, and there are plenty of such parents.

However, it is important to note that not every parent deserves to be cut off. Those who went too far by repeatedly breaking the trust with their child are not the same as parents who can be strict and unreasonable sometimes.

A parent who doesn't fall under the category we just described cannot be cut off completely, as that can't be justified Islamically.

With such parents, a Muslim is ordered to remain patient and to stay dutiful towards his parent, and to maintain healthy boundaries by for example limiting contact when necessary to preserve your well-being.

Such types of parents would ultimately change their ways as they would never think of harming their children due to genuine love.

حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ بَشَّارٍ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لاِبْنِ الْمُثَنَّى - قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْعَلاَءَ بْنَ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ، يُحَدِّثُ عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي، هُرَيْرَةَ أَنَّ رَجُلاً، قَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونِي وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَىَّ وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَىَّ ‏.‏ فَقَالَ ‏ "‏ لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلاَ يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللَّهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ ‏"‏ ‏.‏

Abū Hurayrah narrated, that a man said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives whom I maintain ties with, but they cut me off. I treat them kindly, but they treat me badly. I am forbearing towards them, but they act ignorantly towards me.” The Prophet ﷺ said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are feeding them hot ashes. And you will continue to have from Allah a supporter against them, so long as you remain upon that (conduct).” [Sahih Muslim 2558a]

حَدَّثَنَا حَجَّاجٌ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادٌ هُوَ ابْنُ سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ التَّيْمِيِّ، عَنْ سَعِيدٍ الْقَيْسِيِّ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ‏:‏ مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ لَهُ وَالِدَانِ مُسْلِمَانِ يُصْبِحُ إِلَيْهِمَا مُحْتَسِبًا، إِلاَّ فَتْحَ لَهُ اللَّهُ بَابَيْنِ يَعْنِي‏:‏ مِنَ الْجَنَّةِ وَإِنْ كَانَ وَاحِدًا فَوَاحِدٌ، وَإِنْ أَغْضَبَ أَحَدَهُمَا لَمْ يَرْضَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ حَتَّى يَرْضَى عَنْهُ، قِيلَ‏:‏ وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ‏؟‏ قَالَ‏:‏ وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ‏.‏ Ibn ʿAbbās said: "There is no Muslim who has two Muslim parents and greets them each morning seeking Allah's reward, except that Allah opens for him two gates of Paradise. If only one parent is alive, then one gate is opened for him. And if he angers either of them, Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him." It was asked, "Even if they wrong him?" He replied, "Even if they wrong him." [Al-Adab al-Mufrad 7]

Genuinely loving parents who want the best for their children will never go too far with their children, as their hearts could not even bear the thought of doing that.

But they do however make mistakes as they are human, such as breaking their trust from time to time, or saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment.

Cutting ties with such a parent is a horrible sin. The most a person could do in such case is to maintain limited contact when necessary and to slowly work towards a healthy relationship again.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ مُحَمَّدَ بْنَ جُبَيْرِ بْنِ مُطْعِمٍ، قَالَ إِنَّ جُبَيْرَ بْنَ مُطْعِمٍ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّهُ، سَمِعَ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ ‏ "‏ لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعٌ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "The person who cuts the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise." [Sahih Bukhari 5984]

That is to say: a person who severs the ties of kinship without a justified cause. It is a general statement and should not be applied to every individual situation.

Allah does not forbid a person from cutting ties with parents who have caused their children severe harm and shattered all trust. It is part of justice that such a victim is absolved of any further obligations toward their parent.

۞ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ Indeed, Allah commands justice and grace…
[16:90 Quran]