Narcissistic father

"I feel so alone in this, and nobody seems to understand."

"When will this misery end?"

"Will there ever be anybody who will understand what I am going through!?"

1. Encouraging Change Through Kindness

It is important to give your father a chance to change his behavior. This is the first step: attempting to inspire change in him.

Of course, this does not always succeed, as narcissistic fathers are often very stubborn and reluctant to take responsibility.

Nevertheless, you can try to help your father understand that his actions are hurting you, and that you hope he will change his ways.

The approach is to be gentle and patient, allowing him time to adjust to a new experience he is not used to: being held accountable for his actions.

You can make him more receptive to your request by giving him gifts, spending quality time together, doing things for him, and similar gestures.

Hopefully, this will encourage humility and responsibility in how he treats you. However, kindness does not work with every father, so this should be considered carefully.

2. Demanding Change Through Firmness

This step is necessary when kindness fails. Your narcissistic father may be too stubborn to change, even after gentle requests and efforts to soften his heart with kind actions.

If kindness does not succeed, it can be painful, as it forces you to take stronger measures.

Demanding change through firmness is an effective way to demonstrate that you are serious about your request.

You show your seriousness by having clear consequences in mind if he refuses to change. You might communicate, directly or indirectly, that you will no longer accept the abuse you endure.

Involve your local Imam to remind your father of his responsibilities and that he has no right to mistreat you. You can also share videos or articles highlighting the rights of children and the consequences before Allah for crossing boundaries.

3. Separation

Sometimes, the only way to safeguard your well-being is to separate from your father.

Of course, this is never easy, as no child wants to leave their father.

But understand that you are not obliged to tolerate ongoing abuse, and prioritizing self-preservation is your responsibility.

If nothing else has worked, separation becomes the only viable option. This requires a careful plan of action: consider where you will go, how you will proceed, when, and how you can ensure a successful transition.

You will face many challenges when separating from your father. Naturally, family members who side with him may resist, but know that Allah supports those who have been wronged.

Can you recognize and overcome your father’s manipulation tactics—and even your own doubts—when considering separation?

This demands deep reflection on what is just and right according to Allah. Without confronting and dispelling these thoughts, you may be held back from taking the step toward self-preservation.

This would mean staying with your narcissistic father and remaining trapped in this abusive cycle, gradually diminishing your health, well-being, and potential for happiness.

وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُۥ مَخْرَجًۭا
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِۦ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدْرًۭا And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them, and provide for them from sources they could never imagine. And whoever places their trust in Allah, He is sufficient for them. Indeed, Allah accomplishes His will, and He has set a measure for all things.
[65:2-3 Quran]

Separation from your father is possible with Allah’s help. There are options for financial independence and relocating, even if that means moving to another city or country.

Some wait passively, hoping to be rescued by marriage, but this does not resolve the issue.

Whether son or daughter, relying on marriage as an escape is neither just nor appropriate. Marriage is a sacred bond meant to be entered with readiness—mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Though some consider it taboo for unmarried daughters to move out, in cases of abuse, this cultural expectation should not dictate your choices.

Victims of abuse have every right to escape; no one should have to wait for permission or opportunity.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "A Muslim is a brother to another Muslim. He should neither oppress him nor hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfills the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs. Whoever relieves a Muslim of hardship, Allah will relieve him of hardships on the Day of Resurrection. And whoever shields a Muslim, Allah will shield him on the Day of Resurrection." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

Some accuse those who separate from their fathers of wrongdoing, but this is not always the case. You have the right to protect yourself, which may require separation if giving a chance has failed.

Separation does not necessarily mean cutting ties, though in some situations that is permitted. It primarily means establishing physical distance.

Islamically, you should maintain contact with your father if he has not traumatized you. Yet, in cases of narcissistic fathers, it is rare that children remain untraumatized.

For narcissistic fathers who traumatize, separation—and even cutting ties—is allowed, as further contact would perpetuate harm and injustice.

Know that Allah is Most Just and will never be angry with you for protecting your health and well-being. Sometimes, cutting ties is the only way to preserve yourself.

However, if your father has not caused trauma (a rare case), cutting ties is strictly forbidden and considered a major sin. You must maintain contact, even if minimally.

If you choose to stay in contact with your narcissistic father, remain vigilant against his manipulation tactics, or you risk returning to the abusive environment you sought to escape.

4. Seek Support

Going through this alone can be extremely difficult. It is undoubtedly a great test.

There are ways to feel understood and validated, such as watching videos about abuse and learning why leaving an abusive environment is justified. You could also connect with certain online groups to feel less isolated.

Seeking professional guidance from Islamic counselors is another step forward. It can help you heal from the impact of a narcissistic father more effectively than trying to cope on your own.

It is also comforting to feel heard and seen, and to know that Islam does not oppose your decision to distance yourself from a narcissistic parent. Allah would not be unjust by asking you to continue harming yourself by staying in an abusive environment.

Always strive to remain close to Allah through supplication and frequent remembrance. This strengthens and eases your journey toward healing.

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]

This verse is probably the most beloved by narcissistic fathers, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.

How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.

This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children. Such fathers would be honored and respected, and such parents should be treated with respect and dignity.

If one were to say that this verse also applies to narcissistic fathers, then he would be very mistaken, awfully mistaken.

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]

This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.

Narcissistic fathers do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his narcissistic father even if he physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve!?

وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

Al-Tabari continued on saying:

كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah: "And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'" This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance. It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to good parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect. Muslims should fulfill the rights of such parents.

If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.

Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.

But as for narcissistic fathers, they do not deserve to be honoured in any way, as they have dishonored their children and abused them, crossing every boundary. And such fathers are humiliated, and they will be punished for what they have done.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]

Many narcissistic mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.

This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A devoted mother endures hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.

Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.

حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا يَعْلَى بْنُ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ قَالَ‏:‏ رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ‏.‏

'Abdullah ibn 'Umar said, "The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 2]

Narcissistic fathers misuse this quote to justify their wrongdoing, manipulating their child into compliance, even when they do not deserve such obedience due to the abuse they inflict on their children.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]

Allah says that the people are ordered to honour their parents. And obviously, this does not include narcissistic fathers, because what honour do such people deserve!?

Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.

The believers are ordered to honour their good parents, even if those parents were to order him to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more. [Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]

To be good and dutiful to one's parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.

Oppressive and tyrannical fathers do not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of their children.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father. " [Sahih Bukhari 5971]

Treating your father with the best companionship is when the conditions are met, as Allah is never unjust. You do not need to honour your narcissistic father if he oppresses you and makes your life a living hell.

And as for the mothers who enable this behavior of the father, they are also abusive. They have failed in protecting their child, and no mother who really loves their child would ever enable someone to abuse her children.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ ‏"‏ نَعَمْ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا ‏{‏لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ‏}‏ Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8) [Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]

Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever. This is how a Muslim should be, just and fair.

However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.

It shows that under certain conditions, being close with your parents is not always obligatory. They should not actively fight you for holding onto your religion. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, which can compromise it.

So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, or psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and making your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.