Narcissistic father

1. Staying with your narcissistic father

Your life is your decision, and no one has the right to dictate what you do with it. You have the option to stay with your narcissistic father if you choose.

The only problem with this approach is that oppression would not come to an end. As you already have observed many times, your narcissistic father does not change.

This option is based on the false idea that you must remain patient with your narcissistic father. In reality, you are not required to be patient with someone who abuses you. Enduring abuse in silence is only destructive to your health and well-being, and Allah would never command you to accept such harm.

If you choose to stay, then you would have to acknowledge the fact that abuse will continue. But, there are methods to make this stay a little bit less painful, but they are not ideal at all.

2. Leaving your narcissistic father

Many believe that Allah tells the children of narcissistic fathers to just remain idle and have "sabr", but this is not the case, and anyone who supports this view is unjust and ignorant.

Allah would never command anyone to continue enduring abuse when they are able to protect themselves. To do so would be a great injustice. Therefore, you are not required to be "patient" in such situations — this is harmful advice that only leads to your destruction.

Islam promotes the protection of children from getting abused by their parents, whether the parent is a narcissist, borderline, or a psychopath. Nobody has the right to abuse others, and Islam is a just religion which will never promote injustice.

So what would be justice in the case of a child of a narcissistic father?

أَفَمَن يَتَّقِى بِوَجْهِهِۦ سُوٓءَ ٱلْعَذَابِ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ ۚ وَقِيلَ لِلظَّـٰلِمِينَ ذُوقُوا۟ مَا كُنتُمْ تَكْسِبُونَ Are those who will only have their ˹bare˺ faces to shield themselves from the awful torment on Judgment Day ˹better than those in Paradise˺? It will ˹then˺ be said to the wrongdoers: “Reap what you sowed!”
[39:24 Quran]

Allah will not disregard any act of abuse. On the Day of Judgment, narcissistic fathers will face the consequences of their wrongdoing.

۞ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ وَإِيتَآئِ ذِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱلْبَغْىِ ۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ Indeed, Allah commands justice, grace, as well as generosity to close relatives. He forbids immorality, wrongdoing, and oppression. He instructs you so perhaps you will be mindful.
[16:90 Quran]

Allah forbids all forms of injustice, including mistreating and oppressing the vulnerable. He will not overlook such actions from any parent, otherwise that would be unjust.

تَرَى ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا كَسَبُوا۟ وَهُوَ وَاقِعٌۢ بِهِمْ ۗ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ فِى رَوْضَاتِ ٱلْجَنَّاتِ ۖ لَهُم مَّا يَشَآءُونَ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ هُوَ ٱلْفَضْلُ ٱلْكَبِيرُ You will see the wrongdoers fearful ˹of the punishment˺ for what they have earned, and it will certainly befall them. Whereas those who believe and do good will be in the lush Gardens of Paradise. They will have whatever they desire from their Lord. That is ˹truly˺ the greatest bounty.
[42:22 Quran]

On the Day of Judgment, Allah will hold those who abused and wronged others accountable for their actions, and there will be no escape from their punishment.

وَوُضِعَ ٱلْكِتَـٰبُ فَتَرَى ٱلْمُجْرِمِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا فِيهِ وَيَقُولُونَ يَـٰوَيْلَتَنَا مَالِ هَـٰذَا ٱلْكِتَـٰبِ لَا يُغَادِرُ صَغِيرَةًۭ وَلَا كَبِيرَةً إِلَّآ أَحْصَىٰهَا ۚ وَوَجَدُوا۟ مَا عَمِلُوا۟ حَاضِرًۭا ۗ وَلَا يَظْلِمُ رَبُّكَ أَحَدًۭا And the record ˹of deeds˺ will be laid ˹open˺, and you will see the wicked in fear of what is ˹written˺ in it. They will cry, “Woe to us! What kind of record is this that does not leave any sin, small or large, unlisted?” They will find whatever they did present ˹before them˺. And your Lord will never do injustice to anyone.
[18:49 Quran]

Nothing will be omitted; everything is recorded and written in the book assigned to each person. The two angels document every deed we commit in this life, and on that Day, the wrongdoers will be confronted with the reality that nothing is overlooked or excluded from the injustices they carried out.

مَّنْ عَمِلَ صَـٰلِحًۭا فَلِنَفْسِهِۦ ۖ وَمَنْ أَسَآءَ فَعَلَيْهَا ۗ وَمَا رَبُّكَ بِظَلَّـٰمٍۢ لِّلْعَبِيدِ Whoever does good, it is to their own benefit. And whoever does evil, it is to their own loss. Your Lord is never unjust to ˹His˺ creation.
[41:46 Quran]

Do good, and you will be rewarded. Whoever commits evil will face the consequences, for Allah is never unjust to His creation.

وَنَضَعُ ٱلْمَوَٰزِينَ ٱلْقِسْطَ لِيَوْمِ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ فَلَا تُظْلَمُ نَفْسٌۭ شَيْـًۭٔا ۖ وَإِن كَانَ مِثْقَالَ حَبَّةٍۢ مِّنْ خَرْدَلٍ أَتَيْنَا بِهَا ۗ وَكَفَىٰ بِنَا حَـٰسِبِينَ And We will set up the scales of justice for the Day of Judgment, so no soul will be wronged at all. And if there is ˹even˺ the weight of a mustard seed, We will bring it forth. And sufficient are We as a ˹vigilant˺ Reckoner.
[21:47 Quran]

Those who have been wronged will receive ultimate justice on the Day of Judgment. No oppressor will be overlooked; everyone will be held accountable for their actions.

۞ لَّا يُحِبُّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْجَهْرَ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْلِ إِلَّا مَن ظُلِمَ ۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ سَمِيعًا عَلِيمًا Allah does not like the public mention of evil except by one who have been wronged. And Allah is Hearing and Knowing.
[4:148 Quran]

And this is from the justice of Allah: He allows those who have suffered injustice to voice their grievances and does not silence them. Speaking up against oppression is not blameworthy.

وَمَآ أَصَـٰبَكُم مِّن مُّصِيبَةٍۢ فَبِمَا كَسَبَتْ أَيْدِيكُمْ وَيَعْفُوا۟ عَن كَثِيرٍۢ And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much.
[42:30 Quran]

While Allah pardons much, He does not forgive those who harm others by infringing upon their rights and violating their boundaries—unless the victims choose to forgive their wrongdoers.

Allah also punishes wrongdoers in this life. He does not grant oppressors an entire lifetime to escape His justice; they will face the consequences of their actions and endure the disasters they have brought upon themselves. And Allah is swift in His reckoning.

وَأَمَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ فَيُوَفِّيهِمْ أُجُورَهُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ And as for those who believe and do good, they will be rewarded in full. And Allah does not like the wrongdoers.
[3:57 Quran]

Allah hates those who oppress others and spread corruption on earth, including oppressive parents.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ O you who believe, be persistently standing firm for Allah, as witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just, for that is nearer to righteousness. Fear Allah, for Allah is aware of what you do.
[3:57 Quran]

This verse also applies to those who remain silent in the face of abuse and those who manipulate victims into staying with their abusers. Muslims are ordered to stand for justice, even if it means facing hatred from people.

Anyone who enables abuse is themselves an abuser. Allah does not tolerate injustice, whether it comes from a high spiritual figure or an ordinary person.

The verse also speaks to victims of abuse—be just to yourself. Do not neglect your well-being by enduring harm when you have the ability to protect yourself. Safeguard yourself from harm and do not abuse yourself.

يَوْمَئِذٍۢ يَصْدُرُ ٱلنَّاسُ أَشْتَاتًۭا لِّيُرَوْا۟ أَعْمَـٰلَهُمْ
فَمَن يَعْمَلْ مِثْقَالَ ذَرَّةٍ خَيْرًۭا يَرَهُۥ
وَمَن يَعْمَلْ مِثْقَالَ ذَرَّةٍۢ شَرًّۭا يَرَهُۥ On that Day people will proceed in separate groups to be shown ˹the consequences of˺ their deeds. So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it. And whoever does an atom’s weight of evil will see it.
[99:6-8 Quran]

The two angels record every deed and write it in a book, nothing is left out. This book will be presented on the Day of Judgement. So people will see what they used to do, and nothing will be left out.

Allah is never unjust to anyone, meaning He does not ignore even the slightest act of abuse.

حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، حَدَّثَنِي يَحْيَى بْنُ سَعِيدٍ، عَنْ سُفْيَانَ، حَدَّثَنَا مَنْصُورٌ، عَنْ تَمِيمِ بْنِ سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنِ هِلاَلٍ، عَنْ جَرِيرٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ مَنْ يُحْرَمِ الرِّفْقَ يُحْرَمِ الْخَيْرَ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Whoever is deprived of gentleness, is deprived of goodness." [Sahih Muslim 2577]

Every abuser is deprived of gentleness, making them deprived of goodness. Gentleness is the foundation of goodness.

حَدَّثَنَا عُبَيْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُعَاذٍ الْعَنْبَرِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبِي، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، عَنِ الْمِقْدَامِ، - وَهُوَ ابْنُ شُرَيْحِ بْنِ هَانِئٍ - عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، زَوْجِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ إِنَّ الرِّفْقَ لاَ يَكُونُ فِي شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ زَانَهُ وَلاَ يُنْزَعُ مِنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ شَانَهُ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective." [Sahih Muslim 2594a]

Ugliness is found in heartlessness, and beauty is found in kindness. Narcissistic fathers do not possess kindness, rather their heart has become callous and wicked, and those are the ones that are filled with ugliness.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ أَيُّوبَ، وَقُتَيْبَةُ، وَابْنُ، حُجْرٍ قَالُوا حَدَّثَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ، - يَعْنُونَ ابْنَ جَعْفَرٍ - عَنِ الْعَلاَءِ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ الْمُسْتَبَّانِ مَا قَالاَ فَعَلَى الْبَادِئِ مَا لَمْ يَعْتَدِ الْمَظْلُومُ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "When two persons argue, it is upon the first who is responsible, as long as the oppressed does not transgress the limits." [Sahih Muslim 2587]

This Hadith teaches us that if two people abuse each other, the sin falls upon the one who initiated it, as long as the second person does not exceed the limits of what was done to him.

While retaliation is allowed if legal and proportionate, it is wiser for the victim of parental abuse to hold back and respond only in a safe environment. The best approach is to entrust the matter to Allah, as the victim may often lack the full ability to retaliate on their own.

When the matter is left to Allah, He will grant justice on behalf of the victim, and He is the most Knowledgeable, the most Powerful.

حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ بْنُ أَبِي إِيَاسٍ، حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ أَبِي ذِئْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا سَعِيدٌ الْمَقْبُرِيُّ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ مَنْ كَانَتْ لَهُ مَظْلَمَةٌ لأَحَدٍ مِنْ عِرْضِهِ أَوْ شَىْءٍ فَلْيَتَحَلَّلْهُ مِنْهُ الْيَوْمَ، قَبْلَ أَنْ لاَ يَكُونَ دِينَارٌ وَلاَ دِرْهَمٌ، إِنْ كَانَ لَهُ عَمَلٌ صَالِحٌ أُخِذَ مِنْهُ بِقَدْرِ مَظْلَمَتِهِ، وَإِنْ لَمْ تَكُنْ لَهُ حَسَنَاتٌ أُخِذَ مِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ صَاحِبِهِ فَحُمِلَ عَلَيْهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ قَالَ إِسْمَاعِيلُ بْنُ أَبِي أُوَيْسٍ إِنَّمَا سُمِّيَ الْمَقْبُرِيَّ لأَنَّهُ كَانَ نَزَلَ نَاحِيَةَ الْمَقَابِرِ‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ وَسَعِيدٌ الْمَقْبُرِيُّ هُوَ مَوْلَى بَنِي لَيْثٍ، وَهُوَ سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ، وَاسْمُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ كَيْسَانُ‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him." [Sahih Bukhari 2449]

The narcissistic father will have to pay on the Day of Judgement by giving away his good deeds to the one he oppressed. And if he does not have any good deeds to give, the sins of the victim will be loaded on his abuser.

النَّارِ خَمْسَةٌ الضَّعِيفُ الَّذِي لاَ زَبْرَ لَهُ الَّذِينَ هُمْ فِيكُمْ تَبَعًا لاَ يَتْبَعُونَ أَهْلاً وَلاَ مَالاً وَالْخَائِنُ الَّذِي لاَ يَخْفَى لَهُ طَمَعٌ وَإِنْ دَقَّ إِلاَّ خَانَهُ وَرَجُلٌ لاَ يُصْبِحُ وَلاَ يُمْسِي إِلاَّ وَهُوَ يُخَادِعُكَ عَنْ أَهْلِكَ وَمَالِكَ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Five will be the inmates of Hell: 1: The weak who lack power (are careless) to avoid evil. They merely follow and don't pursue family or wealth.
2: The treacherous one whose greed is not concealed even in minor matters except that he betrays.
3: The man who does not begin his morning or evening except that he deceives you concerning your family and your property.
4: The miser and the liar.
5: Those who are in the habit of abusing people and using obscene and foul language. [Sahih Muslim 2865a]

Those who are in the habit of abusing people, use foul and obscene language, Allah will not spare them.

This should be relieving for victims of parental abuse, as Allah will certainly hold abusers accountable for the continuous harm they cause.

There are actually victims of parental abuse who can testify that their abuser fit all the mentioned groups, and that is a truly heartbreaking reality.

حَدَّثَنَا عُمَرُ بْنُ حَفْصٍ، حَدَّثَنِي أَبِي، حَدَّثَنَا الأَعْمَشُ، حَدَّثَنَا شَقِيقٌ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ سِبَابُ الْمُسْلِمِ فُسُوقٌ، وَقِتَالُهُ كُفْرٌ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (minor kufr). [Sahih Bukhari 2444]

It is considered a major sin to abuse another Muslim, whether that be emotionally or verbally. The abusers are indeed Fussaq (those who are persistent in commiting major sins).

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مَنْ ضَرَبَ ضَرْبًا ظُلْمًا اقْتُصَّ مِنْهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “Whoever hits someone unjustly will receive retribution for it on the Day of Resurrection.” [al-Adab al-Mufrad 178]

The father has no right to physically abuse his son or daughter. This is great injustice, for which they will be held accountable for on the Day of Judgement.

Hitting as a means of disciplining is not done by leaving bruises, using tools, hitting the face, or being excessive. Any of these actions would be considered criminal.

And even if the narcissistic father claims that he only does it to discpline, then Allah is not unaware of what is in his heart. Verily, the narcissistic father is only lying, as the goal of hitting is not because of good intentions.

حدثنا الحسين قال: حدثنا الفضل بن موسى، عن شيخ له سماه قال: سمعت سعيد بن جبير يقول: من ضرب مملوكا له ظلما أقيد منه يوم القيامة. قال: قلت يا أبا عبد الله يضرب ولده ويضرب أخاه يريد أن يقيمه قال: " ان الله لا يخفى عليه المفسد من المصلح ".
[مسند ابن المبارك - عبد الله بن المبارك - الصفحة ١٦١]

Al-Husayn told us, he said: Al-Fadl ibn Musa narrated to us from a man whom he named, who said: I heard Sa'eed ibn Jubayr say: 'Whoever strikes his servant unjustly, he will be taken to account for it on the Day of Judgment.' I said, 'O Abu Abdullah, what about someone who strikes his son or his brother, intending to discipline them?' He replied: 'Indeed, it is not hidden from Allah who is the corrupt and who is the good.'" [Musnad Ibn al-Mubarak page 161]

حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا مُعْتَمِرٌ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ ‏"‏ تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), it is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others." [Sahih Bukhari 2444]

Preventing an oppressor from harming others is also an act of goodness, as it helps reduce their sins.

The priority, however, is to assist the oppressed by removing them from the harmful environment. This includes providing a safe physical space, offering counsel, and validating their experiences.

The one who fails to help the oppressed, despite being able to do so, is no different from the abuser.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

It is absolutely forbidden to hand over a Muslim to an oppressor. So, what about telling a victim of narcissistic abuse to stay with their father!?

Shame on those who enable parental abuse and offer the most misguided advice in such situations: "Have Sabr." Shame on them.

Victims of parental abuse should not be told to be patient; instead, they should be validated and helped by being removed from their abusive environment. The Prophet (ﷺ) also instructed the believers to remove the oppressed from the oppressor, so why have those enablers abandoned their reasoning!?

It is clear to anyone that telling a victim of parental abuse to stay with their abuser is unjust. Allah is never unjust, and therefore, He would never instruct victims of abuse to remain with the one who harms them.

Whenever a person is subjected to persistent abuse, which undermines their well-being, they are allowed to remove themselves from the abuser. That would be a form of justice for the victim, and Allah is never unjust.

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

Allah will answer the supplication of the oppressed, and there is no barrier between it and Allah.

This means that Allah will always be there for the oppressed after they invoke Him, whether they ask for help or seek justice against their father.

The victim should find a way out in order to protect himself from further abuse. If he remains passive, then this is only inviting further abuse, and Allah does not help in such case. One should not sabotage change while at the same time expect things to change.

It is not realistic to expect change simply by performing du'a without taking the necessary steps to protect oneself from further abuse.

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُوا۟ مَا بِأَنفُسِهِمْ ۗ Indeed, Allāh will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.
[13:11 Quran]

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ نُمَيْرٍ، عَنْ سَعْدَانَ الْقُبِّيِّ، عَنْ أَبِي مُجَاهِدٍ، عَنْ أَبِي مُدِلَّةَ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ ثَلاَثَةٌ لاَ تُرَدُّ دَعْوَتُهُمُ الصَّائِمُ حَتَّى يُفْطِرَ وَالإِمَامُ الْعَادِلُ وَدَعْوَةُ الْمَظْلُومِ يَرْفَعُهَا اللَّهُ فَوْقَ الْغَمَامِ وَيَفْتَحُ لَهَا أَبْوَابَ السَّمَاءِ وَيَقُولُ الرَّبُّ وَعِزَّتِي لأَنْصُرَنَّكَ وَلَوْ بَعْدَ حِينٍ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ وَسَعْدَانُ الْقُبِّيُّ هُوَ سَعْدَانُ بْنُ بِشْرٍ ‏.‏ وَقَدْ رَوَى عَنْهُ عِيسَى بْنُ يُونُسَ وَأَبُو عَاصِمٍ وَغَيْرُ وَاحِدٍ مِنْ كِبَارِ أَهْلِ الْحَدِيثِ وَأَبُو مُجَاهِدٍ هُوَ سَعْدٌ الطَّائِيُّ وَأَبُو مُدِلَّةَ هُوَ مَوْلَى أُمِّ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَائِشَةَ وَإِنَّمَا نَعْرِفُهُ بِهَذَا الْحَدِيثِ وَيُرْوَى عَنْهُ هَذَا الْحَدِيثُ أَتَمَّ مِنْ هَذَا وَأَطْوَلَ ‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’" [Sunan Tirmidhi 3598 (Hasan)]

Allah being the Most Knowledgable and Most Wise, answers the supplication of the oppressed whenever He sees fit.

This could mean that the supplication is answered immediately, but it could also mean that some time needs to pass before Allah sees fit. Whatever the case, Allah knows when the best time would be, and He will surely aid the victim of parental abuse invoking Him.

It becomes especially difficult when supplications are not answered immediately, as it can lead to impatience and more distress. The victim of parental abuse desperately seeks justice or a way to escape the abusive environment. In such moments: Allah's help is near.

Allah informs the believers that they will be tested, and being abused is undoubtedly a significant trial. The distress caused by parental abuse can be devastating, lasting for years and leaving the victim feeling empty.

Until they cry out to Allah, asking, "When will Allah’s help come?" Indeed, Allah’s help will come. Even the followers of other messengers before Prophet Muhammad reached such a point of hardship that they too cried out, "When will Allah’s help come?"

أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُوا۟ ٱلْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ ٱلَّذِينَ خَلَوْا۟ مِن قَبْلِكُم ۖ مَّسَّتْهُمُ ٱلْبَأْسَآءُ وَٱلضَّرَّآءُ وَزُلْزِلُوا۟ حَتَّىٰ يَقُولَ ٱلرَّسُولُ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ مَعَهُۥ مَتَىٰ نَصْرُ ٱللَّهِ ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّ نَصْرَ ٱللَّهِ قَرِيبٌۭ Do you think you will be admitted into Paradise without being tested like those before you? They were afflicted with suffering and adversity and were so ˹violently˺ shaken that ˹even˺ the messenger and the believers with him cried out, “When will Allah’s help come?” Indeed, Allah’s help is near.
[2:214 Quran]

The victim of parental abuse has control over choosing his environment, as he is free to move and possesses free will. This means leaving the abusive environment is possible when correct steps are taken. So there is no actual reason to reach a point of helplessness in this case.

As for justice being served, this will definitely happen. Allah never lets the abusers get away with what they used to do. But one should remain patient in that, as Allah knows when the right timing would be. And He will not disappoint the victim.

حدثنا الحسين قال: حدثنا الفضل بن موسى، عن شيخ له سماه قال: سمعت سعيد بن جبير يقول: من ضرب مملوكا له ظلما أقيد منه يوم القيامة. قال: قلت يا أبا عبد الله يضرب ولده ويضرب أخاه يريد أن يقيمه قال: " ان الله لا يخفى عليه المفسد من المصلح ".
[مسند ابن المبارك - عبد الله بن المبارك - الصفحة ١٦١]

Al-Husayn told us, he said: Al-Fadl ibn Musa narrated to us from a man whom he named, who said: I heard Sa'id ibn Jubayr say: 'Whoever strikes his servant unjustly, he will be taken to account for it on the Day of Judgment.' I said, 'O Abu Abdullah, what about someone who strikes his son or his brother, intending to discipline them?' He replied: 'Indeed, it is not hidden from Allah who is the corrupt and who is the good.'" [Musnad Ibn Mubarak page 161]

This means Allah knows the intentions of people, whether they are disciplining with good intentions or merely expressing their anger. There are specific conditions that must be met when using physical discipline as a method of correction.

Nothing is hidden from Allah, and He knows the motives of the oppressors. There is no escaping from Allah. He is the most Knowledgable, All-Aware.

أخبرنا أبو القاسم علي بن إبراهيم أنا رشأ بن نظيف أنا الحسن بن إسماعيل أنا أحمد بن مروان نا عمران بن موسى الجزري نا عيسى بن سليمان عن ضمرة قال كتب عمر بن عبد العزيز إلى بعض عماله أما بعد فإذا دعتك قدرتك على الناس إلى ظلمهم فاذكر قدرة الله تعالى عليك ونفاذ ما تأتي إليهم وبقاء ما يأتون إليك
[تاريخ مدينة دمشق - ج ٤٥ - الصفحة ٢٠٢] 'Umar ibn 'Abdul-Aziz warned: "If your power ever calls you to oppress others, then know the power of Allah over you!" [Tarikh Madinah wa Dimashq 45/202]

The righteous and just caliph, Umar ibn Abdul-Aziz (great-grandson of Umar ibn al-Khattab), was a strong opponent of injustice and oppression.

He advised those in positions of authority to fear Allah if they ever entertain the thought of oppressing others. This also applies to those who have authority over children, such as teachers, stepparents, and biological parents.

٤٠ - حَدَّثَنَا إِسْحَاقُ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ مُنِيبٍ الْعَدَنِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا السَّرِيُّ يَعْنِي ابْنَ يَحْيَى، حَدَّثَنِي مِنْ أَثِقُ بِهِ , أَنَّ عُمَرَ بْنَ عَبْدِ الْعَزِيزِ ضَمَّ ابْنَا لَهُ وَكَانَ يُحِبُّهُ فَقَالَ: «يَا فُلَانُ وَاللَّهِ إِنِّي لَأُحِبُّكَ وَمَا أَسْتَطِيعُ أَنْ أُوثِرَكَ عَلَى أَخِيكَ بِلُقْمَةٍ»
["العيال"؛ لابن أبي الدنيا (1/ 177)، رقم (40)] Umar ibn Abdul Aziz embraced his son, whom he loved, and said: "O Fulan, by Allah, I truly love you, and I am not allowed to prefer you over your brother even with a single bite of food." [Al-'Iyal - Ibn Abi Dunyah - Volume 1 - Page 177]

Here Umar ibn Abdul-Aziz is expressing his importance for fair treatment with his sons. He said he cannot favor one over the other, even in something as small as a single bite of food.

This in accordance with how the Prophet (ﷺ) expressed fairness between children. He once spoke against unfairness of a father, who put his son on his thigh and his daughter on the ground.

٣٦ - حَدَّثَنَا إِسْحَاقُ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، أَخْبَرَنَا يَزِيدُ بْنُ هَارُونَ، أَخْبَرَنَا أَبُو الْأَشْهَبِ، عَنِ الْحَسَنِ، قَالَ: بَيْنَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُحَدِّثُ أَصْحَابَهُ إِذْ جَاءَ صَبِيٌّ حَتَّى انْتَهَى إِلَى أَبِيهِ فِي نَاحِيَةِ الْقَوْمِ فَمَسَحَ رَأْسَهُ وَأَقْعَدَهُ عَلَى فَخِذِهِ الْيُمْنَى قَالَ: فَلَبِثَ قَلِيلًا فَجَاءَتِ ابْنَةٌ لَهُ حَتَّى انْتَهَتْ إِلَيْهِ فَمَسَحَ رَأْسَهَا وَأَقْعَدَهَا فِي الْأَرْضِ فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «فَهَلَّا عَلَى فَخِذِكَ الْأُخْرَى» فَحَمَلَهَا عَلَى فَخِذِهِ الْأُخْرَى فَقَالَ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «الْآنَ عَدَلْتَ»
["العيال"؛ لابن أبي الدنيا (1/ 173)، رقم (36)] Ibn Abi Dunyah mentioned: Ishaq ibn Ibrahim narrated to us, Yazid ibn Harun informed us, Abu al-Ashhab narrated to us, al-Hasan said: While the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was speaking to his companions, a boy came and approached his father, who was sitting among the people. The father patted his head and seated him on his right thigh. He remained there for a while, then his daughter came and approached him. He patted her head and seated her on the ground. The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Why not on your other thigh?" So, the father placed her on his other thigh. The Prophet (ﷺ) then said: "Now you have done justice." [Al-'Iyal - Ibn Abi Dunyah - Volume 1 - Page 177]

Even in something as small as this, the Prophet (ﷺ) still upheld justice. So, what would he say if he were alive today, seeing parents misuse verses to manipulate their children into compliance while horribly abusing them on a daily basis!?

By Allah, he (ﷺ) would be the first to say that such children should be taken away from their abusive parents and placed in a safe environment, free from abuse and torture.

حدثنا هارون بن عمر الدمشقي قال، حدثنا عبد الله بن كريم قال، حدثنا أبو الفتح، عن حبيب بن أبي مرزوق قال: دخل عثمان بن عفان رضي الله عنه على غلام له يعلف ناقة، فرأى في علفها ما كره، فأخذ بأذن غلامه فعركها، ثم ندم فقال لغلامه: اقتص. فأبى الغلام، فلم يدعه حتى أخذ بأذنه فجعل يعركها، فقال له عثمان: شد حتى ظن أنه قد بلغ منه مثل ما بلغ منه، ثم قال عثمان رضي الله عنه: واها لقصاص قبل قصاص الآخرة.

Habib ibn Abi Marzouq reported: "Uthman ibn Affan, may Allah be pleased with him, entered his house and saw his servant playing in a camel's food bowl. Uthman took his ear and twisted it, but later he regretted what he did. Uthman ibn Affan said to his servant, "Take my ear and twist it." Uthman forced him to do it and told him to pull harder and harder, until he thought that what was done to himself was the same as what he did to his servant. Uthman then said: 'How easy is retribution in the world instead of retribution in the Hereafter!'" [Tarikh al-Madinah 1018 from 'Umar ibn Shabbah, al-Ahwal #255 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]

Uthman ibn Affan, the companion of the Prophet, recognized when he had acted unjustly toward his servant. He did not follow his pride; instead, he humbled himself in a remarkable way. He allowed the servant to do to him what he had done in excess, as a form of retribution for crossing the boundary.

A narcissistic father would never consider this. They will not humble themselves, nor will they ever seek retribution for their wrongdoings, and this reveals their cowardice.

١٥٢ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ الْحَسَنِ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ بَكْرٍ السَّهْمِيُّ، حَدَّثَنِي صَاحِبٌ لَنَا يُكَنَّى أَبَا وَاثِلَةَ , أَنَّ مُعَاوِيَةَ دَخَلَتْهُ مَوْجِدَةٌ عَلَى ابْنِهِ يَزِيدَ فَأَرِقَ لِذَلِكَ لَيْلَتَهُ فَلَمَّا أَصْبَحَ بَعَثَ إِلَى الْأَحْنَفِ بْنِ قَيْسٍ فَأَتَاهُ فَلَمَّا دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ قَالَ لَهُ: يَا أَبَا بَحْرٍ، كَيْفَ رِضَاكَ عَلَى وَلَدِكَ؟ وَمَا تَقُولُ فِي الْوَلَدِ؟ قَالَ: فَقُلْتُ فِي نَفْسِي: مَا سَأَلَنِي أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَنْ هَذِهِ إِلَّا لِمَوْجِدَةٍ دَخَلَتْهُ عَلَى يَزِيدَ فَحَضَرَنِي كَلَامٌ لَوْ كُنْتُ زَوَّقْتُ فِيهِ سَنَةً لَكُنْتُ قَدْ أَجَدْتُ فَقُلْتُ: «يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ هُمْ ثِمَارُ قُلُوبِنَا وَعِمَادُ ظُهُورِنَا وَنَحْنُ لَهُمْ أَرْضٌ ذَلِيلَةٌ وَسَمَاءٌ ظَلِيلَةٌ وَبِهِمْ نَصُولُ إِلَى كُلِّ جَلِيلَةٍ فَإِنْ غَضِبُوا يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ فَأَرْضِهِمْ وَإِنْ طَلَبُوكَ فَأَعْطِهِمْ يُمْحِضُوكَ وُدَّهُمْ وَيَلْطُفُونَ ⦗٣٠٩⦘ جُهْدَهُمْ وَلَا تَكُنْ عَلَيْهِمْ ثَقِلًا لَا تُعْطِيهِمْ إِلَّا نَزْرًا فَيَمَلُّوا حَيَاتَكَ وَيَكْرَهُوا قُرْبَكَ»

Mu'awiyyah was angry with his son Yazid, so Ahnaf ibn Qays advised him: "O leader of the believers, they (children) are the fruits of our hearts and the pillars of our presence, and we are an easy land and a cool air for them, and through them we attain every greatness. When they are angry, forgive them, and if they ask for something from you, give them, for it makes them grateful and gentle towards you. Do not be heavy on them, nor give them just a little, so that they will not begin to resent your life and your nearness." [Al-'Iyal 1/308 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]

Here, we see the approach of the Sahaba towards children. They did not view them as mere objects or possessions. Instead, they recognized their rights and honored them.

Every parent will eventually be angered by their child, as no one is perfect. What matters is the actions taken after that anger. The true test is: will you cross the boundaries, or will you uphold justice?

Even if one falls into committing injustice, it is the act of correcting it that truly defines a person's good character.

۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]

This verse is probably the most beloved by narcissistic fathers, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.

How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.

This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children. Such fathers would be honored and respected, and such parents should be treated with respect and dignity.

If one were to say that this verse also applies to narcissistic fathers, then he would be very mistaken, awfully mistaken.

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]

This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.

Narcissistic fathers do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his narcissistic father even if he physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve!?

وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

Al-Tabari continued on saying:

كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah: "And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'" This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance. It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to good parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect. Muslims should fulfill the rights of such parents.

If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.

Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.

But as for narcissistic fathers, they do not deserve to be honoured in any way, as they have dishonored their children and abused them, crossing every boundary. And such fathers are humiliated, and they will be punished for what they have done.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]

Many narcissistic mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.

This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A devoted mother endures hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.

Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.

حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا يَعْلَى بْنُ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ قَالَ‏:‏ رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ‏.‏

'Abdullah ibn 'Umar said, "The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 2]

Narcissistic fathers misuse this quote to justify their wrongdoing, manipulating their child into compliance, even when they do not deserve such obedience due to the abuse they inflict on their children.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]

Allah says that the people are ordered to honour their parents. And obviously, this does not include narcissistic fathers, because what honour do such people deserve!?

Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.

The believers are ordered to honour their good parents, even if those parents were to order him to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more. [Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]

To be good and dutiful to one's parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.

Oppressive and tyrannical fathers do not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of their children.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father. " [Sahih Bukhari 5971]

Treating your father with the best companionship is when the conditions are met, as Allah is never unjust. You do not need to honour your narcissistic father if he oppresses you and makes your life a living hell.

And as for the mothers who enable this behavior of the father, they are also abusive. They have failed in protecting their child, and no mother who really loves their child would ever enable someone to abuse her children.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ ‏"‏ نَعَمْ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا ‏{‏لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ‏}‏ Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8) [Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]

Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever. This is how a Muslim should be, just and fair.

However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.

It shows that under certain conditions, being close with your parents is not always obligatory. They should not actively fight you for holding onto your religion. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, which can compromise it.

So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, or psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and making your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.