Hating your parents
Hatred is a powerful emotion, and it is often a personal reaction to being betrayed, neglected, treated unjustly, and being deeply hurt.
Parents are responsible for their children; however, not every parent takes this role seriously.
Many parents are abusive and toxic, instilling hatred and anger in their children. They make excessive demands, belittle and manipulate their children into meeting their own needs while neglecting those of their son or daughter.
So how should you deal with your hatred towards your parents? Is it justified? Will Allah punish you for having such feelings?
It does not befit the believer to be rude, ill-mannered, or excessively harsh, even when he gets disrespected by others. Instead, he should be firm in his boundaries and never steep down to the level of the one who disrespected him.
This does not mean you cannot talk back or disagree with your parent. Rather, you can, but only in a way that does not cross boundaries.
And sure, you might become rude once or twice here and there, and this is human. Nobody is perfect. But make sure not to make it a pattern, for that would be very wrong, and it will only make you sin like the one disrespecting you.
Understanding Hatred Toward Parents: Justified or Not?
Yes, hatred towards your own parents can be justified, even in Islam. There are specific situations that justify this heavy and powerful emotion.
No God-fearing son or daughter would hate their parent without a valid reason. Therefore, implying otherwise would be a grave injustice to those whose feelings are justified.
- When your parent withholds love and use it to their advantage, making you chase after it and compromise yourself in the process.
- When your parent fails to protect or support you in your most vulnerable moments—for example, by ignoring your trauma or even denying that it happened.
- When your parent is physically abusive and tortures you with or without using objects that cause you great pain and suffering.
- When your parent is unreasonably strict and overly controlling, it can prevent you from developing self-autonomy and independence, stifling your personal growth.
- When your parent overburdens you by demanding you to be their servant in the house.
- When your parent betrays you by spreading secrets, rumors, and lies, or even attempts to blackmail you.
One should not expect a human being to remain patient in every situation, as that is unrealistic.
Likewise, it is not realistic to expect someone to love a person who has caused them great harm.
Therefore, hating your parents due to them making your life miserable, damaging your health and well-being, or severely abusing you, is both valid and justified.
The Sahabi called 'Ahnaf ibn Qays' understood this, and advised parents not to be heavy upon their children, lest they develop a hatred and enmity.
١٥٢ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ الْحَسَنِ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ بَكْرٍ السَّهْمِيُّ، حَدَّثَنِي صَاحِبٌ لَنَا يُكَنَّى أَبَا وَاثِلَةَ , أَنَّ مُعَاوِيَةَ دَخَلَتْهُ مَوْجِدَةٌ عَلَى ابْنِهِ يَزِيدَ فَأَرِقَ لِذَلِكَ لَيْلَتَهُ فَلَمَّا أَصْبَحَ بَعَثَ إِلَى الْأَحْنَفِ بْنِ قَيْسٍ فَأَتَاهُ فَلَمَّا دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ قَالَ لَهُ: يَا أَبَا بَحْرٍ، كَيْفَ رِضَاكَ عَلَى وَلَدِكَ؟ وَمَا تَقُولُ فِي الْوَلَدِ؟ قَالَ: فَقُلْتُ فِي نَفْسِي: مَا سَأَلَنِي أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَنْ هَذِهِ إِلَّا لِمَوْجِدَةٍ دَخَلَتْهُ عَلَى يَزِيدَ فَحَضَرَنِي كَلَامٌ لَوْ كُنْتُ زَوَّقْتُ فِيهِ سَنَةً لَكُنْتُ قَدْ أَجَدْتُ فَقُلْتُ: «يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ هُمْ ثِمَارُ قُلُوبِنَا وَعِمَادُ ظُهُورِنَا وَنَحْنُ لَهُمْ أَرْضٌ ذَلِيلَةٌ وَسَمَاءٌ ظَلِيلَةٌ وَبِهِمْ نَصُولُ إِلَى كُلِّ جَلِيلَةٍ فَإِنْ غَضِبُوا يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ فَأَرْضِهِمْ وَإِنْ طَلَبُوكَ فَأَعْطِهِمْ يُمْحِضُوكَ وُدَّهُمْ وَيَلْطُفُونَ ⦗٣٠٩⦘ جُهْدَهُمْ وَلَا تَكُنْ عَلَيْهِمْ ثَقِلًا لَا تُعْطِيهِمْ إِلَّا نَزْرًا فَيَمَلُّوا حَيَاتَكَ وَيَكْرَهُوا قُرْبَكَ»
Mu'awiyyah was angry with his son Yazid, so Ahnaf ibn Qays advised him:
"O leader of the believers, they (children) are the fruits of our hearts and the pillars of our presence, and we are an easy land and a cool air for them, and through them we attain every greatness. When they are angry, forgive them, and if they ask for something from you, give them, for it makes them grateful and gentle towards you. Do not be heavy on them, nor give them just a little, so that they will not begin to resent your life and your nearness."
[Al-'Iyal 1/308 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]
- When your parent punishes you by limiting your screen time and forbidding you from having fun with friends due to disobedience.
- When your parent is occasionally unjust, but without making it a consistent pattern.
- When your parent forbids you from listening music, wearing specific clothes, or hanging out with friends who damage your religion.
- When your parent is angry with you due to disobeying Allah.
Hating your parents without any valid reason is a major sin. You are ordered to respect and honor your parents, even if at times they can become difficult to you. Having patience with such parent is obligatory, and disrespecting them is a major sin.
حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُنِيرٍ، سَمِعَ وَهْبَ بْنَ جَرِيرٍ، وَعَبْدَ الْمَلِكِ بْنَ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، عَنْ عُبَيْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ أَبِي بَكْرِ بْنِ أَنَسٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ سُئِلَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَنِ الْكَبَائِرِ قَالَ " الإِشْرَاكُ بِاللَّهِ، وَعُقُوقُ الْوَالِدَيْنِ، وَقَتْلُ النَّفْسِ، وَشَهَادَةُ الزُّورِ ". تَابَعَهُ غُنْدَرٌ وَأَبُو عَامِرٍ وَبَهْزٌ وَعَبْدُ الصَّمَدِ عَنْ شُعْبَةَ.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "They (some major sins) are:-- (1) Shirk, (2) To be undutiful to one's parents, (3) To kill a person, (4) And to give a false testimony."
[Sahih Bukhari 2653]
How to deal with this hatred
Your situation needs to be taken into account in how you should deal with your parents. Starting to hate your own parents is difficult, because it causes a cognitive dissonance, meaning: having contradicting feelings about your parent.
In the default, parents are meant to be loved by their children, as they would love their own children. But there are exceptions, not every parent loves his or her child, and that is the harsh reality.
So hatred towards parents can be justified, as there are exceptions. Then, how should you deal with your parent while simultaneously hating him or her? Is it even possible to remain respectful?
This depends on your situation. Not every parent deserves to be treated with respect and honor. Allah would never honor a monster who destroys other's lives. At the same time, one might hate his parents who still deserves to be honored and respected.
The unjust and difficult parent
This type of parent can be quite difficult to deal with, and they tramp over the boundaries of their children, making their life harder.
Such parents can be high demanding, controlling, and unfair in how they deal with their children, sometimes favoring one over the other.
Though these types of parents are difficult to deal with, they are able to change when facing the consequences of their actions. They do not reach the level of absolutely horrible parents, who traumatize their children and leave them broken in many parts.
But these parents should be respected and honored from a distance, because it is not possible to be close to them without harming yourself.
Then from a distance, you should remain in contact with them, and cutting contact with them is absolutely forbidden, as they have not caused any trauma.
With this type of parent, you must maintain boundaries, and carry out the consequences, or else they will not change their ways and will keep abusing you.
Such parents are often dealing with a borderline personality disorder, or are very dependent on you (codependent). They can take away your self-atonomy and independence, effectively preventing you from having your own life.
Hating this type of parent for the abuse is understandable and justifiable, but you should try to change their ways, and if they do not change, then do the best you can in maintaining contact.
If maintaining contact becomes too harmful to you because of the suffering they caused you, or because of trauma, then cutting ties becomes permissible, as Allah would never command a victim of trauma to stay in contact with their traumatizer.
The traumatizing parent
This type of parent destroys their children's health, well-being, and cause major depression in them. They are very narcissistic, and even psychopathic.
The narcissistic father or mother can cause great harm to their children. They cause their children to develop self-esteem problems, have issues in personal relationships, and in social functioning.
There is no obedience, honor, nor respect, for anyone who traumatized you and destroyed your life. Allah would never dishonor a victim of trauma by commanding contact with their traumatizer.
- Sexual abuse: The parent sexually abused their young child and leaves enormous damage through it.
- Severe abandonment: The parent abandoned their child for years, without ever reaching out or contacting their child.
- Physical torture: The parent physically abuses their child repeatedly in extreme ways, using tools such as belts, chairs, or by throwing objects, often leaving behind serious injuries.
- Severe emotional neglect: The parent is emotionally detached and ignores their child's needs for love, support, and encouragement for months or even years. They show no care for the child, speaking to them only when they need something.
- Severe verbal abuse: The parent says extremely hurtful things to their child, destroying the child’s sense of self and self-worth, with statements such as “You should not have been born,” “I hope you were dead,” “I should have aborted you; you're nothing but a curse,” “The only reason you're still alive is because I haven't snapped yet,” and “You're a stain on this family; I don’t even want to claim you.”
- Severe betrayal: The parent is just using the child as a tool for sadistic pleasure or worldly gains. For example: Demanding money even when there is no real need for it, bullying the child in public, sharing the victim's deepest secrets, excessively punishing and degrading the child, failing to protect the child from getting abused.
If your parent traumatized you, and you cannot forgive this parent for what he or she did to you, then cutting ties is justified. That serves as a form of justice for you as the victim of this abuse, and as a consequence for the parent.
There is no shame or guilt in severing ties with a parent who has destroyed your life and has shown you that there is no love or care in their heart.
Not every parent loves their children, anyone who believes that every parent does, then he is living in a major delusion.
The well-meaning parent who makes mistakes
There are parents who are willing to make up for their mistakes, and try their best to take care of their children in the best way possible. They may slip up and make mistakes, as humans are not perfect. Some days they might acting unjustly towards their children due to ramped-up stress, and such situations can hurt their children.
Children of such parents should respect them, honor them, be good to them, and ask Allah to make their situation better.
It is not justified to hate such a parent, as they are honored by Allah, and are generally loving and caring towards their children.
Whenever you feel they have become harsh on you, it is best to ask Allah to make your situation easier, and to prevent hatred entering your heart.
There is no doubt that a God-fearing person would love such a parent, and that hatred would come from Shaytan.
However, it may start as dislike for specific behaviors acted out by this parent that resulted in hurt. A good parent would then make up for it, and feel remorseful.
Islam is all about fairness
In the default, parents have rights over their children, just as children have rights over their parents. There are exceptions, and those will change the structure of rights one has over the other.
As for the traumatizing parent who destroyed the lives of their children, they do not have any right over their child. They lost everything after having severely abused their child.
The difficult parent, they should still be treated with respect and honor as far as your health and well-being allows. They cannot be bad-mouthed, cursed, or scolded. Nor can they be disobeyed in that which is not harmful to you.
You can maintain a safe distance from a difficult parent, and their right to your presence becomes more limited due to the harm they’ve caused you. You are not obligated to tolerate any form of abuse.
The well-meaning parent who makes mistakes is the one Allah refers to in the Quran when He commands believers to be kind to their parents and never say 'uff' to them. These parents love their children, show mercy toward them, and deeply regret any wrongdoing they may have caused.