Author: Sefiye al-Turki
Date published: 2022-08-04
Updated: 2026-07-22
Abusive parents
Islam places great emphasis on honoring and respecting parents. This is understandable when we reflect on the sacrifices they make in bringing a child into the world, raising them, and carrying the many responsibilities of parenthood.
However, these teachings are not a license for abuse. A parent who deliberately harms, exploits, or oppresses their child does not deserve the same moral standing as a parent who fulfills their role with love, mercy, and care. Serious abuse is a grave injustice, regardless of who commits it.
No parent is perfect, and ordinary mistakes or shortcomings are part of being human. But there is a clear difference between occasional faults and a pattern of abusive behavior. When a parent uses their position of authority to manipulate, control, or harm their child, they are violating the trust and responsibility that Allah has placed upon them.
Examples of abusive behavior by parents include:
- Exploiting their children financially by taking their money or property, while manipulating them into believing that refusing would anger Allah.
- Belittling or undermining their children's achievements out of jealousy, resentment, or spite.
- Subjecting their children to verbal abuse, such as saying, "You should never have been born," "You're a complete failure," or "No one will ever love you."
- Exercising excessive control over their children's lives, interfering in their personal decisions because they fear losing influence over them.
- Committing sexual abuse or any form of sexual exploitation.
- Turning a blind eye when the other parent abuses their child, choosing to avoid personal conflict or discomfort instead of protecting them.
- Inflicting physical violence that results in bruises, injuries, or lasting harm.
- Forcing their children into marriage for the purpose of maintaining control or pursuing their own interests.
- Neglecting their children's emotional needs for years, only showing care or affection when they expect something in return.
How to deal with abusive parents
Abuse exists on a spectrum, and every form of abuse is condemned in Islam. How a person should respond depends on the nature and severity of the abuse, as well as the level of harm they are experiencing.
Islam encourages patience with parents who may occasionally act unfairly or be difficult at times. However, these teachings should not be understood as requiring someone to endure ongoing abuse or serious harm.
When abuse becomes a persistent pattern that threatens a person's physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being, they are not obligated to remain in that harmful environment.
Many people try to soften an abusive parent's heart through kindness, gifts, or acts of service. While these efforts may help in some situations, they are often ineffective with severely abusive individuals.
In some cases, repeated attempts to appease an abuser can even reinforce the abusive dynamic, as genuine kindness may be mistaken for weakness or an opportunity for further control.
Severely abusive parents who cause great harm
Islam commands justice alongside mercy. While parents are given great honor, this honor does not give them permission to oppress, abuse, or violate the rights of their children. Severe abuse is a grave injustice, and a parent who persistently commits such acts bears responsibility for them before Allah.
١٨٠ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ قَالَ: أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنُ مَهْدِيٍّ، قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، عَنْ أَبِي إِسْحَاقَ، عَنْ وَهْبِ بْنِ جَابِرٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، قَالَ: سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَقُولُ: «كَفَى بِالرَّجُلِ إِثْمًا أَنْ يَضَيِّعَ مَنْ يَقُوتُ»
[البِرُّ وَالصِّلَة - الحُسَيْنُ بْنُ حَرْب - الحديث ١٨٠]
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "It is a grave sin for a person to neglect those whom he is responsible for."
[Al-Birr wal-Silat - Al-Husayn ibn Harb - Hadith 180]
A person who has suffered serious abuse is not required to remain in a situation that endangers their physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being.
Protecting oneself from ongoing harm is permissible, and maintaining firm boundaries or limiting contact may become necessary when there is no realistic prospect of safety or change.
- A parent who repeatedly humiliates and bullies their child through degrading verbal abuse, such as saying, "You are worthless," "I should have aborted you," or "You never meant anything to me."
- A parent who abandons their child at a young age, leaving them behind while starting a new life elsewhere without fulfilling their parental responsibilities.
- A parent who inflicts severe physical abuse, causing significant bruises, injuries, or lasting physical harm.
- A parent who commits sexual abuse or sexually exploits their child at any stage of their life.
- A parent who only shows care when the child provides financial benefit, household labor, or other personal advantages, while neglecting them in times of genuine need.
- A parent who makes serious threats against the life or safety of their child, their spouse, or grandchildren out of malice or revenge.
Although severe abuse can take many different forms, it often has devastating consequences for the victim. It can shatter a child's sense of safety, destroy trust, leave deep emotional and psychological wounds, and in some cases contribute to suicidal thoughts or other serious mental health struggles.
Islam does not require a person to remain in such a relationship. When a parent persistently commits severe abuse and shows no willingness to change, the child is permitted to establish firm boundaries to protect their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, even if cutting ties is required to reach that.
Every situation is different. Some people may choose to maintain limited contact with clear boundaries, while others may find that a respectful but complete separation is the only realistic way to protect themselves and their families from continued abuse.
وَأَجْمَعَ الْعُلَمَاءُ عَلَى أَنَّهُ لَا يَجُوزُ لِلْمُسْلِمِ أَنْ يَهْجُرَ أَخَاهُ فَوْقَ ثَلَاثٍ إِلَّا أَنْ يَكُونَ يَخَافُ مِنْ مُكَالَمَتِهِ وَصِلَتِهِ مَا يُفْسِدُ عَلَيْهِ دِينَهُ أَوْ يُوَلِّدُ (بِهِ) عَلَى نَفْسِهِ مَضَرَّةً فِي دِينِهِ أَوْ دُنْيَاهُ فَإِنْ كَانَ ذَلِكَ فَقَدْ رُخِّصَ لَهُ فِي مُجَانَبَتِهِ وَبُعْدِهِ وَرُبَّ صَرْمٍ جَمِيلٍ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُخَالَطَةٍ مُؤْذِيَةٍ (قَالَ الشَّاعِرُ ... إِذَا مَا تَقَضَّى الْوُدُّ إِلَّا تَكَاشُرًا ... فَهَجْرٌ جَمِيلٌ لِلْفَرِيقَيْنِ صَالِحُ)
[التمهيد - ابن عبد البر - الجزء ٦ - الصفحة ١٢٧]
Ibn Abdul-Barr said:
“The scholars are unanimous that it is not permissible for a Muslim to cut off another Muslim for more than three days, except if he fears that communicating with him or maintaining contact would corrupt/harm his religion or cause him harm in his worldly affairs. In such a case, he is permitted to keep his distance and avoid him.
And sometimes a proper severance is better than harmful interaction. As the poet said: ‘When connection no longer remains except in the form of hostility, then a graceful separation is best for both parties.’”
[Al-Tamheed - Ibn 'Abdul-Barr - Volume 6 - Page 127]
A Muslim should not be foul-mouthed or cause harm to another human being. Cutting of ties should be graceful, without crossing the limits.
حَدَّثَنِي يَحْيَى، عَنْ مَالِكٍ، عَنْ عَمْرِو بْنِ يَحْيَى الْمَازِنِيِّ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " لاَ ضَرَرَ وَلاَ ضِرَارَ " .
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "There should not be harm nor returning of harm."
[Al-Muwatta, Book 36, Hadith 31]
This doesn't mean a person can't seek legal retribution, or to supplicate to Allah to punish his abusive parent. It means a person should not seek to cross boundaries when retaliating, like injuring the person, destroying property, and the like.
How severely abusive parents get punished
Allah does not overlook oppression or severe abuse. He is perfectly just, and every act of ظلم (oppression) will be accounted for. Those who persist in abusing others without repentance will ultimately face His judgment.
The consequences of oppression may appear in this world, in the Hereafter, or in both.
Sometimes Allah allows a wrongdoer to face the results of their actions quickly, while at other times He delays their punishment according to His perfect wisdom.
A delay in punishment should never be mistaken for approval or neglect, for Allah's justice is never absent.
أَلَا لَعْنَةُ ٱللَّهِ عَلَى ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ
Surely Allah’s curse is upon the wrongdoers.
[11:18 Quran]
They get punished in the dunya through:
- Loss of wealth
- Loss of health
- Miserable existence
- Losing people closest to them
- Getting abused by others in similar ways
- Physical injuries
- Getting cut off
- Shamed and abandoned
٢٤٩ - حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا هَارُونُ بْنُ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ الْعِجْلِيُّ، قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا شَيْخٌ، مِنَ الْأَزْدِ سَمِعْتُهُ يَقُولُ: رَأَيْتُ الشَّعْبِيَّ يَقْرَأُ كِتَابًا يَتَعَجَّبُ مِنْ صِغَرِهِ، وَالشَّعْبِيُّ يَتَعَجَّبُ مَا أَبْلَغَ فِيهِ وَأَوْجَزَ رِسَالَةً مِنْ عُمَرَ بْنِ عَبْدِ الْعَزِيزِ إِلَى عَبْدِ الْحَمِيدِ، " أَمَّا بَعْدُ: فَلَا تَغْتَرَّ يَا عَبْدَ الْحَمِيدِ بِتَأْخِيرِ عُقُوبَةِ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى عَنْكَ، وَإِنَّمَا يُعَجِّلُ مَنْ يَخَافُ الْفَوْتَ، وَالسَّلَامُ "
[العقوبات - ابن أبي الدنيا - الحديث ٢٤٩]
Al-Shaʿbī was reading a letter, marveling at how short it was, and he was astonished at how eloquent and concise it was — a letter from ʿUmar ibn ʿAbd al-ʿAzīz to ʿAbd al-Ḥamīd:
'To proceed: Do not be deceived, O ʿAbd al-Ḥamīd, by the delay of Allāh's punishment upon you. For only one who fears missing his target hastens — and Allāh fears no such thing. Wasalam.'"
[Al-Uqubat - Ibn Abi Dunya - Hadith 249]
٥٩٨ - حَدَّثَنَا نَصْرُ بْنُ دَاوُدَ، ثنا سَعْدُ بْنُ عَبْدِ الْحَمِيدِ، حَدَّثَنِي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ عِمْرَانَ بْنِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ بْنِ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ طَلْحَةَ بْنِ عُبَيْدِ اللَّهِ، ثنا خُزَيْمَةُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ عُمَارَةَ بْنِ خُزَيْمَةَ بْنِ ثَابِتٍ الْأَنْصَارِيُّ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ جَدِّهِ خُزَيْمَةَ بْنِ ثَابِتٍ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: " اتَّقُوا دَعْوَةَ الْمَظْلُومِ، فَإِنَّهَا تُحْمَلُ عَلَى الْغَمَامِ، يَقُولُ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى: وَعِزَّتِي وَجَلَالِي، لَأَنْصُرَنَّكَ وَلَوْ بَعْدَ حِينٍ "
[مساوي الأخلاق - الخرائطي - حديث ٥٩٨]
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, for it is carried upon the clouds. Allah, the Exalted, says: ‘By My might and My majesty, I will surely help you, even if that may be after some time.’”
[Masawi al-Akhlaq - Al-Kharaiti - Hadith 598]
٥٩٥ - حَدَّثَنَا نَصْرُ بْنُ دَاوُدَ، ثنا يَحْيَى بْنُ يُوسُفَ الزِّمِّيُّ، ثنا أَبُو الْمَلِيحِ، قَالَ: قَالَ مَيْمُونُ بْنُ مِهْرَانَ: فِي قَوْلِهِ تَبَارَكَ وَتَعَالَى: {وَلَا تَحْسَبَنَّ اللَّهَ غَافِلًا عَمَّا يَعْمَلُ الظَّالِمُونَ} [إبراهيم: ٤٢] ، قَالَ: «تَعْزِيَةً لِلْمَظْلُومِ، وَوَعِيدٌ لِلظَّالِمِ» حَدَّثَنَا نَصْرُ بْنُ دَاوُدَ الصَّاغَانِيُّ، ثنا يَحْيَى بْنُ يُوسُفَ الزِّمِّيُّ، ثنا أَبُو الْمَلِيحِ قَالَ: قَالَ مَيْمُونُ بْنُ مِهْرَانَ: «الظَّالِمُ، وَالْمُعِينُ عَلَى الظُّلْمِ، وَالْمُحِبُّ لَهُ سَوَاءٌ»
[مساوئ الأخلاق - الخرائطي - حديث ٥٩٥]
Maymūn ibn Mihrān said regarding the verse, {And do not think that Allah is unaware of what the wrongdoers do} (Qur'an 14:42): “It is a consolation for the oppressed and a warning for the oppressor.” He also said: “The oppressor, the one who assists in oppression, and the one who loves it are all the same.” (i.e., they share in the blame and sin of oppression).
[Masawi al-Akhlaq - Al-Kharaiti - Hadith 595]
٥٨٣ - حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بَدْرٍ عَبَّادُ بْنُ الْوَلِيدِ الْغُبَّرِيُّ، ثنا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْلَمَةَ بْنِ قَعْنَبٍ، ثنا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلَالٍ، عَنْ يَحْيَى بْنِ سَعِيدٍ، عَنْ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ يَحْيَى بْنِ حَبَّانَ، عَنْ لُؤْلُؤَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي هَرِمَةَ، عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «مَنْ ضَارَّ مُسْلِمًا ضَارَّ اللَّهُ بِهِ، وَمَنْ شَاقَّ مُسْلِمًا شَاقَّ اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ»
[مساوئ الأخلاق - الخرائطي - حديث ٥٨٣]
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever harms a Muslim, Allah will harm him. And whoever opposes a Muslim, Allah will oppose him.”
[Masawi al-Akhlaq - Al-Kharaiti - Hadith 583]
٥ - حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ عَبَّادِ بْنِ مُوسَى، قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْفُرَاتِ، قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي أَبُو إِسْحَاقَ، عَنِ الْحَارِثِ، عَنْ عَلِيٍّ، رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «يَا مَعْشَرَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ، احْذَرُوا الْبَغْيَ؛ فَإِنَّهُ لَيْسَ مِنْ عُقُوبَةٍ هِيَ أَحْضُرُ مِنْ عُقُوبَةِ الْبَغْيِ»
[ذمّ البغي - ابن أبي الدنيا - الصفحة ٥٣]
The Prophet ﷺ said: “O Muslims, beware of oppression, for there is no punishment that comes more swiftly than the punishment for oppression.”
[Dhamm al-Baghy - Ibn Abi Dunya - Page 53]
The loving parent who acts unjustly at times
You still owe your parent respect and good treatment when their behavior has not reached the level of severe abuse or caused serious harm to your well-being or health.
Examples of this include:
- Making unreasonable expectations regarding your career.
- Yelling or displaying intimidating behavior.
- Being ungrateful despite receiving financial support.
- Invading their child's privacy from time to time.
- Showing some emotional neglect due to laziness or carelessness.
This level of harmful behavior is found in parents who genuinely love and care for their children, but struggle with certain unhealthy habits that make the relationship difficult.
They are not chronically abusive. More often than not, they treat their child well, but may struggle with issues such as poor anger management or emotional immaturity.
They would never betray their child in a major way, and when their child is in genuine need, they would stand by them and offer their support.
How to deal with such parents
Some of the Companions also had parents who were difficult and at times acted unjustly towards them. Despite this, they were instructed to remain patient and to preserve the ties of kinship with their parents.
- Make du'a for them, asking Allah to improve their character and reduce their harmful behavior.
- Treat them with kindness, obey them in what is halal and does not cause harm to yourself, and do your best to avoid unnecessary conflict.
- Overlook their shortcomings and remember that people are imperfect and will make mistakes.
A Muslim is expected to show patience and forbearance with a parent who is occasionally abusive or unjust, provided that the behavior does not reach the level of severe abuse or cause serious harm to their well-being.
حَدَّثَنَا حَجَّاجٌ، قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادٌ هُوَ ابْنُ سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ التَّيْمِيِّ، عَنْ سَعِيدٍ الْقَيْسِيِّ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ: مَا مِنْ مُسْلِمٍ لَهُ وَالِدَانِ مُسْلِمَانِ يُصْبِحُ إِلَيْهِمَا مُحْتَسِبًا، إِلاَّ فَتْحَ لَهُ اللَّهُ بَابَيْنِ يَعْنِي: مِنَ الْجَنَّةِ وَإِنْ كَانَ وَاحِدًا فَوَاحِدٌ، وَإِنْ أَغْضَبَ أَحَدَهُمَا لَمْ يَرْضَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ حَتَّى يَرْضَى عَنْهُ، قِيلَ: وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ؟ قَالَ: وَإِنْ ظَلَمَاهُ.
Ibn ʿAbbās said:
"There is no Muslim who has two Muslim parents and greets them each morning seeking Allah's reward, except that Allah opens for him two gates of Paradise.
If only one parent is alive, then one gate is opened for him.
And if he angers either of them, Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him."
It was asked, "Even if they wrong him?" He replied, "Even if they wrong him."
[Al-Adab al-Mufrad 7]
Ibn Abbas is speaking about a parent who genuinely loves and cares for their child, yet at times acts unjustly because of human imperfection. His words should not be understood as referring to parents who commit severe abuse, such as torture or sexual abuse, for Allah is never unjust to His creation.
His statement is understandable when one reflects on the tremendous responsibility parents carry in raising their children, protecting them, and caring for them with mercy until adulthood.
Such parents deserve kindness and honor, and their occasional mistakes should be overlooked when they arise from human weakness rather than a pattern of severe abuse.
Examples of occasional mistakes include:
- Saying hurtful things in moments of frustration, such as, "You always mess everything up," or, "I'm too tired to deal with you."
- Breaking a promise without a good reason, such as cancelling plans after telling their child they could spend time with relatives or visit the park.
- Losing their temper and calling their child stupid.
- Wrongly accusing their child of taking some food that was prepared for the guests, only to later discover they were mistaken.
- Struggling to apologize immediately because of embarrassment.
Enablers of abusive parents
Many speakers and preachers tell victims of severe abuse to simply remain patient. Not only can this be deeply harmful to those suffering abuse, but it also risks misrepresenting Allah's justice by placing burdens on people that He did not impose.
٦٢٣ - حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو الْحَارِثِ مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ مُصْعَبٍ الدِّمَشْقِيُّ، ثنا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى بْنِ حَمْزَةَ الْحَضْرَمِيُّ، قَالَ: سَمِعْتُ أَبِي قَالَ: وَلَّانِي الْمَهْدِيُّ الْقَضَاءَ، ثُمَّ قَالَ: يَا يَحْيَى، عَلَيْكَ بِالْحَقِّ، وَالشَّدِّ بِيَدَيِ الْمَظْلُومِ، وَقَمْعِ الظَّالِمِ، فَإِنِّي سَمِعْتُ أَبِي، يَقُولُ: عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ جَدِّهِ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: " قَالَ رَبُّكَ: وَعِزَّتِي وَجَلَالِي لَأَنْتَقِمَنَّ مِنَ الظَّالِمِ فِي عَاجِلِ أَمْرِهِ، أَوْ فِي آجِلِهِ، وَلَأَنْتَقِمَنَّ مِمَّنْ رَأَى مَظْلُومًا يُظْلَمُ، فَقَدَرَ أَنْ يَنْصُرُهُ، فَلَمْ يَفْعَلْ لَهُ "
[مساوئ الأخلاق - الخرائطي - حديث ٦٢٣]
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: ‘Your Lord said: By My might and My majesty, I will surely take revenge upon the oppressor, either in the immediate life or in the Hereafter. And I will also take revenge against the one who sees an oppressed person being wronged and is able to help him but does not help him.’”
[Masawi al-Akhlaq - Al-Kharaiti - Hadith 623]
وَلْيَنْصُرِ الرَّجُلُ أَخَاهُ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا إِنْ كَانَ ظَالِمًا فَلْيَنْهَهُ فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ نَصْرٌ وَإِنْ كَانَ مَظْلُومًا فَلْيَنْصُرْهُ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Let a man support his brother, whether he is oppressing or oppressed. If he is oppressing, then stop him, for that is support. And if he is oppressed, then support him."
[Sahih Muslim 2584a]
Seek support
It is important to express your thoughts and share your experience with others who are able to support you.
There is no blame on a Muslim who expresses the harm his abusive parent inflicts, and there is no backbiting in that.
لا يحب الله الجهر بالسوء من القول إلا من ظلم
Allah does not like negative thoughts to be voiced—except by those who have been wronged. Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
[4:148 Quran]
It is completely normal that a person develops resentment towards those who harm him, and the scholars understood this.
١٥٢ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ الْحَسَنِ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ بَكْرٍ السَّهْمِيُّ، حَدَّثَنِي صَاحِبٌ لَنَا يُكَنَّى أَبَا وَاثِلَةَ , أَنَّ مُعَاوِيَةَ دَخَلَتْهُ مَوْجِدَةٌ عَلَى ابْنِهِ يَزِيدَ فَأَرِقَ لِذَلِكَ لَيْلَتَهُ فَلَمَّا أَصْبَحَ بَعَثَ إِلَى الْأَحْنَفِ بْنِ قَيْسٍ فَأَتَاهُ فَلَمَّا دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ قَالَ لَهُ: يَا أَبَا بَحْرٍ، كَيْفَ رِضَاكَ عَلَى وَلَدِكَ؟ وَمَا تَقُولُ فِي الْوَلَدِ؟ قَالَ: فَقُلْتُ فِي نَفْسِي: مَا سَأَلَنِي أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَنْ هَذِهِ إِلَّا لِمَوْجِدَةٍ دَخَلَتْهُ عَلَى يَزِيدَ فَحَضَرَنِي كَلَامٌ لَوْ كُنْتُ زَوَّقْتُ فِيهِ سَنَةً لَكُنْتُ قَدْ أَجَدْتُ فَقُلْتُ: «يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ هُمْ ثِمَارُ قُلُوبِنَا وَعِمَادُ ظُهُورِنَا وَنَحْنُ لَهُمْ أَرْضٌ ذَلِيلَةٌ وَسَمَاءٌ ظَلِيلَةٌ وَبِهِمْ نَصُولُ إِلَى كُلِّ جَلِيلَةٍ فَإِنْ غَضِبُوا يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ فَأَرْضِهِمْ وَإِنْ طَلَبُوكَ فَأَعْطِهِمْ يُمْحِضُوكَ وُدَّهُمْ وَيَلْطُفُونَ ⦗٣٠٩⦘ جُهْدَهُمْ وَلَا تَكُنْ عَلَيْهِمْ ثَقِلًا لَا تُعْطِيهِمْ إِلَّا نَزْرًا فَيَمَلُّوا حَيَاتَكَ وَيَكْرَهُوا قُرْبَكَ»
[العِيَال - ابن أبي الدنيا - المجلد ١ - الصفحة ٣٠٨]
Mu'awiyyah was angry with his son Yazid, so Ahnaf ibn Qays advised him:
"O leader of the believers, they (children) are the fruits of our hearts and the pillars of our presence, and we are an easy land and a cool air for them, and through them we attain every greatness. When they are angry, forgive them, and if they ask for something from you, give them, for it makes them grateful and gentle towards you. Do not be heavy on them, nor give them just a little, so that they will not begin to resent your life and your nearness."
[Al-'Iyal - Ibn Abi Dunya - Volume 1 - Page 308]
١٤٢ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ قَالَ: أَخْبَرَنَا ابْنُ الْمُبَارَكِ، قَالَ: أَخْبَرَنَا عَاصِمُ بْنُ سُلَيْمَانَ، عَنْ مُسْلِمِ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ الْحَنَفِيِّ، قَالَ: «بَرَّ وَلَدَكَ فَإِنَّهُ أَجْدَرُ أَنْ يَبَرَّكَ , فَإِنَّ مَنْ شَنَأَ عَقَّهُ وَلَدُهُ»
[البر والصلة - الحسين بن حرب - الحديث ١٤٢]
Muslim ibn 'Abdullah al-Hanafi said: “Be dutiful and kind to your child, for he is more likely to be dutiful and kind to you (in return). Indeed, whoever treats his child with hatred will have his child mistreat him (in return).”
[Al-Birr wal-Silat - Al-Husayn ibn Harb - Hadith 142]
١٦٠ - حَدَّثَنَا إِبْرَاهِيمُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ الدَّسْتُوَائِيُّ، ثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ عُبَيْدِ بْنِ عُتْبَةَ، ثَنَا بَكَّارُ بْنُ الْأَسْوَدِ، قَالَ: ثَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ الْخَيَّاطُ، عَنِ ⦗١٩٦⦘ الْأَعْمَشِ، قَالَ بَلَغَ الْحَسَنَ بْنَ عُمَارَةَ أَنَّ الْأَعْمَشَ، وَقَعَ فِيهِ فَبَعَثَ إِلَيْهِ بِكِسْوَةٍ فَلَمَّا كَانَ بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ مَدَحَهُ الْأَعْمَشُ، فَقِيلَ لَهُ: كَيْفَ تَذُمُّهُ؟ فَقَالَ: إِنَّ خَيْثَمَةَ حَدَّثَنِي عَنِ ابْنِ مَسْعُودٍ أَنْ «جُبِلَتِ الْقُلُوبُ عَلَى حُبِّ مَنْ أَحْسَنَ إِلَيْهَا وَبُغْضِ مَنْ أَسَاءَ إِلَيْهَا»
[أمثال الحديث - أبو الشيخ الأصبهاني - الحديث ١٦٠]
It reached al-Ḥasan ibn ʿUmārah that al-Aʿmash had spoken against him. So he sent him a garment. After that, al-Aʿmash praised him. It was said to him: "How is it that you criticize him (before), then praise him?"
He replied: "Indeed, Khaythamah narrated to me from Ibn Masʿūd that: ‘Hearts are naturally inclined to love the one who does good to them and to hate the one who does harm to them.’"
[Amthal al-Hadith - Abu al-Shaykh al-Asbahani - Hadith 160]
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