Abusive parents
Abusive parents think they can just treat their children the way they want. They often feel like they would escape consequences, keep the abuse hidden, or get away with it somehow.
Unfortunately, it often is the case that abusive parents get away with abusing their children for a period of time. But almost always, the child stands up against the abuse in some way or the other, by either speaking up, seeking help, moving out, etc.
- Physically violent: They inflict physical harm on their children, believing that anger or frustration can be released through physical violence. This often results in the child being left with bruises, injuries, or lasting fear.
- Physical neglect: They disregard their child’s health, safety, or overall well-being. This can include failing to provide medical care, leaving the child hungry for long periods, or abandoning very young children at home without proper supervision.
- Verbally abusive: They frequently scold, insult, or belittle their children using harsh language, name-calling, or bullying remarks that deeply wound the child’s self-esteem.
- Emotionally abusive: They intentionally cause emotional pain, such as making their child cry just to watch their reaction, offering no comfort or support. This leaves the child feeling unloved, isolated, and emotionally broken.
- Sexually abusive: They exploit their children for sexual gratification through inappropriate touching, exposure, or even committing the horrific act itself.
It is devastating for children of such parents to experience this kind of abuse. They often feel trapped, hopeless, and unable to escape, living for years in an environment filled with fear and pain.
Abusive parents can range from overt to covert abusers. Not all are abusive in the same way. Some are openly abusive, engaging in physical violence, physical neglect, or even sexual assault. Others use more hidden forms of abuse, such as emotional manipulation and verbal cruelty, which can be just as damaging over time.
Emotional and verbal abuse often go unnoticed because their effects are not visible on the body, unlike physical forms of abuse. However, the emotional scars they leave can be just as deep and long-lasting.
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Islam's true stance on abusive parents
Many people assume that because Islam speaks so highly of parents, it automatically excuses their abusive behavior — but this is a serious misunderstanding.
Islam is a religion built on justice, mercy, and accountability. For that reason, abusive parents can never be placed on the same level as kind, loving, and respectful ones. Allah commands goodness and compassion — and those who cause harm cannot be described as honorable.
If Islam were to excuse abusive parents, it would contradict its very foundation of justice and fairness.
Since justice is one of the core principles of Islam, it follows that victims of parental abuse have the full right to protect themselves, their dignity, and their emotional and physical safety.
It is impossible to believe that Islam would instruct a victim to maintain contact with someone who has shattered their trust, destroyed their well-being, and stripped away their sense of worth.
Islam indeed commands us to honor our parents — but that command applies to those who are merciful and compassionate, not to those who use their position to oppress and harm.
Why scholars are so quiet about this subject
Victims of parental abuse often feel unheard, unvalidated, and alone in their experience. This is very unfortunate. It is like that because there is a lack of awareness on this topic inside the Muslim community.
It is to be expected that scholars and preachers make this topic a priority, as there are so many victims of parental abuse. However, it seems as though no one is talking about it.
And with this, they have betrayed these victims, left them in the dark, and did not stand up for them when they needed them the most.
When cowardice takes over
There is no excuse for imams and scholars who are aware of this issue yet remain silent. Their silence cannot be justified — it stems from fear, complacency, or misplaced priorities.
It has become clear that many choose not to address this topic, viewing it as “dangerous” because it may lead to confrontation or backlash within their communities.
- Self-gaslighting: They convince themselves that parents should be excused for their abuse and that children must always maintain contact, no matter the harm done — simply to avoid confrontation and discomfort.
- Unresolved personal experiences: Some scholars avoid the truth because addressing it would force them to confront their own painful experiences of parental abuse.
- Fear of confrontation: Speaking against abusive parents risks upsetting many parents in the community and could threaten their status or reputation.
- Financial dependency: Many abusive parents contribute to the financial stability of mosques, institutions, and organizations. Addressing this issue honestly could result in a significant loss of support.
Some scholars do address this issue, but don't make it a consistent priority.
They may acknowledge the need for distance from physically or sexually abusive parents, yet remain silent about emotional or verbal abuse — despite its equally damaging impact.
They also fail to tell victims that going no contact isn't blameworthy when the victim's honor, well-being, or trust has been shattered. Instead, they just say: “Parents must be honored at all times, so you may keep a distance, but you can't cut ties with them,” ignoring the nuance and justice that Islam calls for.
No excuse for abuse
People often say that parents did not know any better, or that they had a difficult childhood while growing up. That, of course, is not a valid excuse for hurting others.
Parents are responsible for their actions, and they are not exempt from that responsibility because of their own painful upbringing. There are many people who experienced hardship in their youth, yet they never chose to act out their pain by hurting others.
Allah does not excuse such a person. The abusive parent reveals what lies deep within his heart: a profound hatred and bitterness towards others. He seeks control, belittles, curses, and uses people for his own benefit, and more.
This behavior proves that such a parent does not possess any genuine love for his child, even if he tries to make the child believe otherwise.
Actions speak louder than words. Victims of parental abuse have the right to see through the manipulation — and to decide whether or not to accept it.
How to deal with abusive parents
If you have a toxic, difficult, or controlling parent, how should you deal with this according to Islam?
Many feel confused on how to deal with toxic parents, because Allah told us that parents have an honorable position. So as a result, victims of parental abuse feel stuck, and believe they cannot do anything about it.
And of course, that would be deeply unfair towards the victims.
Wouldn't it be beautiful if you could stand up against your parents whenever they wrong you, curse you, gossip about you, or slander you?
There is good news, you could actually do this, and there would be no blame upon you. Allah doesn't prevent you from standing up for what is right. You don't have to be silent and just tolerate the constant abuse.
- Being told you are worthless
- Scolded with foul words and bad name-calling
- Being silent even when your soul is screaming for change
- Having to meet your parent's needs while yours get neglected
- Being made the doormat of the family
There is hope for you, and you don't have to stay silent anymore. Allah wants good for you, not suffering.
Islam is a religion of justice. It does not call on victims to ignore their pain or accept oppression. Instead, it encourages them to protect themselves and build a life rooted in safety and dignity.
There are four key steps a victim of parental abuse can take to begin living free from parental abuse.
- Encouraging change through kindness: Begin with gentle communication and sincere advice, hoping that compassion might soften their hearts and bring awareness to their behavior.
- Demanding change through firmness: If kindness fails, set clear and respectful boundaries. Speak firmly and assertively about what you will no longer tolerate.
- Separation: When abuse continues despite your efforts, distance yourself — emotionally, physically, or both. Islam allows you to protect yourself from ongoing harm.
- Seek support: Turn to trusted people — such as community members, counselors, or scholars who understand justice — and seek help through prayer, therapy, or legal means if needed.
These steps can guide you toward a life free from parental abuse. You do not have to continue suffering — you have the right and the responsibility to make changes for your own well-being. Allah has given you this opportunity, as He does not wish for His servants to remain in pain.
If we truly believe that Allah is the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful, it would be impossible to think that He commands victims of parental abuse to endure harm in silence. Such a belief would go against His nature as the Most Just.
1. Encouraging change through kindness
Firstly, you should encourage your parents to change their behavior. This can be done by being extra kind to them. Buy your mother some flowers, help your father with groceries, and get him things he likes.
This way, you may change their attitude toward you. Speak soft words and give genuine compliments whenever you can.
Pray for them, so that they may change their behavior toward you. Show them you are well-intentioned and hope that they will find success both in this life and the next.
So basically, be extra kind to the point that they start reflecting on their actions toward you. Bear in mind that not all parents will change because of your kindness. Rather, many may take it as a weakness and abuse you further, as they believe kindness means you will allow them to walk all over you.
However, kindness is pure, and Allah loves purity. He encourages us to be kind whenever we can and to be respectful in our behavior.
Kindness should not be confused with having no boundaries or being a pushover. It should be coupled with strong boundaries, or else people could take advantage of you.
2. Demanding change through firmness
The next step would be to be firm and demand change from your parents. This can be done in multiple ways.
At this stage, you should clearly communicate your complaints about their behavior toward you. This should be done in a respectful way, so that they do not feel attacked.
Involve the local Imam and share your story with him. He may speak with your parents about their abusive behavior, which could induce change in them.
لا يحب الله الجهر بالسوء من القول إلا من ظلم
Allah does not like negative thoughts to be voiced—except by those who have been wronged. Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
[4:148 Quran]
When it comes to your health and well-being, you should protect them at all costs. These are your most precious possessions. You have the right Islamically to protect yourself, even against your own parents. Ignore the advice of "staying patient"—instead, take action and strive toward a better situation for yourself.
Another way to demand change is to send them Islamic reminders warning them about their abusive behavior.
If they do not listen or change their ways, then you can make life a bit easier by engaging in hobbies, journaling, spending time with friends, and so on. This will temporarily distract you from the discomfort your abusive parents are causing.
It can also create space for you to plan ahead and think of ways to get yourself into a safer environment.
3. Seperation
When the topic of separation comes up, a common thought arises: “Will Allah hate me for distancing myself from my parents?”
Let’s take a closer look at this. If Allah were to hate you for separating from abusive parents, that would imply your well-being doesn’t matter, and that you should continue to suffer simply because they are your parents.
But we know that Allah is the Most Just and the Most Compassionate. It wouldn’t be fitting for Him to be displeased with you for protecting yourself and maintaining your well-being by distancing yourself from abuse.
In fact, Allah encourages separation when staying in a harmful situation damages your well-being. The Prophet (ﷺ) himself was commanded by Allah to migrate from Mecca to Madinah because he was being persecuted by Quraysh. This shows that Allah truly cares about our safety and well-being.
Abusive parents often harm their children in a constant and painful way. So wouldn’t it be fair for those children to have the chance to “migrate” too?
That’s exactly what Allah wants — so that you can protect yourself from mistreatment and separate when doing so keeps you safe.
Seperating from abusive parents is your right
Sometimes, people will simply not change, even when you are kind to them, respect them, or give them time. Such people need to see consequences for their behavior in order to wake up.
Separating from your abusive parents is a powerful way to create urgency in changing the way they treat you.
However, taking this step is both significant and challenging. It requires acknowledging that your well-being must come first, even if that means creating distance from your parents.
No victim of parental abuse finds it easy to separate from their parents. It is one of the most difficult decisions to make, yet it provides essential protection and safety from further harm.
Distancing yourself sends a clear message: you are willing to stand up for yourself and establish boundaries. It also demonstrates to your parents that their actions have consequences.
While separation may make some abusive parents reconsider their behavior, often it does not lead to change and can even worsen their response. Victims may struggle with this reality, hoping that distance will heal or alter their parents’ actions.
The truth is that most abusive parents rarely change. Their harmful behavior often stems from underlying issues, including personality disorders such as narcissism, borderline traits, or psychopathy.
Remember: distancing yourself is your right. If it were not, it would contradict the justice of Allah.
Likewise, permanently cutting contact is also a valid right for victims when abuse has caused severe harm, completely broken trust, and destroyed your dignity.
You don't need to feel guilty for preserving your honor and self-respect. No one has the right to harm you, not even your parents.
Ways to seperate
There are many ways a person can separate from their parents. Many believe they must wait until marriage to move out, but this is often impractical and can leave them vulnerable to further harm in the meantime.
Relying on marriage as a way to escape abusive parents is not realistic. You would still be sucked into their space by contacting them regularly and visiting them with your partner.
Additionally, using marriage merely as an escape does not do it justice, as it should be entered into for love, commitment, and partnership — not merely as a means of fleeing harm.
- For students: Seek student accommodation through your university. Many universities in Western countries provide housing options for students in difficult home situations.
- For teenagers: Reach out to Child Protective Services or your local equivalent. Explain your situation honestly and work with them to find a safe and suitable solution.
- For non-student adults: If you can support yourself financially, consider applying for housing within your city or elsewhere. If you cannot, explore financial support or housing assistance programs provided by your government.
وَمَن يَتَّقِ ٱللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُۥ مَخْرَجًۭا
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِۦ ۚ قَدْ جَعَلَ ٱللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدْرًۭا
And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them, and provide for them from sources they could never imagine. And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them. Certainly Allah achieves His Will. Allah has already set a destiny for everything.
[65:2-3 Quran]
Evidences for the permissibility of seperation
There are many evidences that seperating yourself from abusive parents is permissible.
One of them is the narration that a Muslims should help one another, and not hand them over to an oppressor.
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
In effect, everyone who tells victims to stay with their parents is handing them over to oppressors. This is very wrong, and it is regarded as a major injustice toward the victim.
There is another narration giving this same message: that a victim should be removed from his oppressor.
حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا مُعْتَمِرٌ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ". قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ " تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), it is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
[Sahih Bukhari 2444]
There is absolutely nothing wrong with separating yourself from abusive parents. You have the right to protect yourself, and Allah wouldn't hate you for doing so.
Abusive parents may try to prevent this and manipulate you in order to maintain control over you.
You are not a bad person for wanting to protect your well-being or set healthy boundaries.
It's also permissible to cut contact if that means protecting your well-being and self-preservation. Sometimes, just distancing doesn't help all that much. Many victims often state that cutting contact is the only way for them to fully protect their well-being.
And this is right, if the abuse was severe and left complete loss of trust, destroyed self-esteem and the belief that you are of no worth.
Remaining contact with abusive parents also could feel like it is unjust. Victims would say, "How is it just to be ordered to remain in contact with those who destroyed you?"
Sometimes cutting contact is better than remaining in contact:
وَأَجْمَعَ الْعُلَمَاءُ عَلَى أَنَّهُ لَا يَجُوزُ لِلْمُسْلِمِ أَنْ يَهْجُرَ أَخَاهُ فَوْقَ ثَلَاثٍ إِلَّا أَنْ يَكُونَ يَخَافُ مِنْ مُكَالَمَتِهِ وَصِلَتِهِ مَا يُفْسِدُ عَلَيْهِ دِينَهُ أَوْ يُوَلِّدُ (بِهِ) عَلَى نَفْسِهِ مَضَرَّةً فِي دِينِهِ أَوْ دُنْيَاهُ فَإِنْ كَانَ ذَلِكَ فَقَدْ رُخِّصَ لَهُ فِي مُجَانَبَتِهِ وَبُعْدِهِ وَرُبَّ صَرْمٍ جَمِيلٍ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُخَالَطَةٍ مُؤْذِيَةٍ (قَالَ الشَّاعِرُ ... إِذَا مَا تَقَضَّى الْوُدُّ إِلَّا تَكَاشُرًا ... فَهَجْرٌ جَمِيلٌ لِلْفَرِيقَيْنِ صَالِحُ)
[التمهيد - ابن عبد البر - الجزء ٦ - الصفحة ١٢٧]
Ibn 'Abdul-Barr said:
“The scholars are unanimous that it is not permissible for a Muslim to leave his brother for more than three days, except if he fears that communicating with him or maintaining contact would corrupt his religion or cause him harm in his religion or worldly affairs. In such a case, he is permitted to keep his distance and avoid him.
And sometimes a proper severance is better than harmful interaction. As the poet said: ‘When affection no longer remains except in the form of hostility, then a graceful separation is best for both parties.’”
[Al-Tamheed - Ibn 'Abdul-Barr - Volume 6 - Page 127]
In a narration, we see that Aisha chose to cut contact with her nephew Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr. This indicates that Aisha considered it permissible to distance oneself from family members when trust has been broken by actions that are unacceptable and violate personal boundaries.
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو الْيَمَانِ، أَخْبَرَنَا شُعَيْبٌ، عَنِ الزُّهْرِيِّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي عَوْفُ بْنُ مَالِكِ بْنِ الطُّفَيْلِ ـ هُوَ ابْنُ الْحَارِثِ وَهْوَ ابْنُ أَخِي عَائِشَةَ زَوْجِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم لأُمِّهَا ـ أَنَّ عَائِشَةَ حُدِّثَتْ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ قَالَ فِي بَيْعٍ أَوْ عَطَاءٍ أَعْطَتْهُ عَائِشَةُ وَاللَّهِ لَتَنْتَهِيَنَّ عَائِشَةُ، أَوْ لأَحْجُرَنَّ عَلَيْهَا. فَقَالَتْ أَهُوَ قَالَ هَذَا قَالُوا نَعَمْ. قَالَتْ هُوَ لِلَّهِ عَلَىَّ نَذْرٌ، أَنْ لاَ أُكَلِّمَ ابْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ أَبَدًا. فَاسْتَشْفَعَ ابْنُ الزُّبَيْرِ إِلَيْهَا، حِينَ طَالَتِ الْهِجْرَةُ فَقَالَتْ لاَ وَاللَّهِ لاَ أُشَفِّعُ فِيهِ أَبَدًا، وَلاَ أَتَحَنَّثُ إِلَى نَذْرِي. فَلَمَّا طَالَ ذَلِكَ عَلَى ابْنِ الزُّبَيْرِ كَلَّمَ الْمِسْوَرَ بْنَ مَخْرَمَةَ وَعَبْدَ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنَ الأَسْوَدِ بْنِ عَبْدِ يَغُوثَ، وَهُمَا مِنْ بَنِي زُهْرَةَ، وَقَالَ لَهُمَا أَنْشُدُكُمَا بِاللَّهِ لَمَّا أَدْخَلْتُمَانِي عَلَى عَائِشَةَ، فَإِنَّهَا لاَ يَحِلُّ لَهَا أَنْ تَنْذُرَ قَطِيعَتِي. فَأَقْبَلَ بِهِ الْمِسْوَرُ وَعَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ مُشْتَمِلَيْنِ بِأَرْدِيَتِهِمَا حَتَّى اسْتَأْذَنَا عَلَى عَائِشَةَ فَقَالاَ السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكِ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ، أَنَدْخُلُ قَالَتْ عَائِشَةُ ادْخُلُوا. قَالُوا كُلُّنَا قَالَتْ نَعَمِ ادْخُلُوا كُلُّكُمْ. وَلاَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ مَعَهُمَا ابْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ، فَلَمَّا دَخَلُوا دَخَلَ ابْنُ الزُّبَيْرِ الْحِجَابَ، فَاعْتَنَقَ عَائِشَةَ وَطَفِقَ يُنَاشِدُهَا وَيَبْكِي، وَطَفِقَ الْمِسْوَرُ وَعَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ يُنَاشِدَانِهَا إِلاَّ مَا كَلَّمَتْهُ وَقَبِلَتْ مِنْهُ، وَيَقُولاَنِ إِنَّ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم نَهَى عَمَّا قَدْ عَلِمْتِ مِنَ الْهِجْرَةِ، فَإِنَّهُ لاَ يَحِلُّ لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يَهْجُرَ أَخَاهُ فَوْقَ ثَلاَثِ لَيَالٍ. فَلَمَّا أَكْثَرُوا عَلَى عَائِشَةَ مِنَ التَّذْكِرَةِ وَالتَّحْرِيجِ طَفِقَتْ تُذَكِّرُهُمَا نَذْرَهَا وَتَبْكِي وَتَقُولُ إِنِّي نَذَرْتُ، وَالنَّذْرُ شَدِيدٌ. فَلَمْ يَزَالاَ بِهَا حَتَّى كَلَّمَتِ ابْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ، وَأَعْتَقَتْ فِي نَذْرِهَا ذَلِكَ أَرْبَعِينَ رَقَبَةً. وَكَانَتْ تَذْكُرُ نَذْرَهَا بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ فَتَبْكِي، حَتَّى تَبُلَّ دُمُوعُهَا خِمَارَهَا.
Imam Bukhari mentioned: Abu al-Yaman narrated to us, saying: Shu’ayb told us, from Al-Zuhri, who said: ‘Awf ibn Malik ibn al-Tufayl (who was the maternal cousin of Aisha) said:
Aisha narrated that she was told that Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr said regarding a sale or a gift that she had given him: “By Allah, Aisha must stop, or I will prevent her.”
She asked, “Did he (really) say this?” They replied, “Yes.” Aisha said: “By Allah, I have made a vow before Allah not to speak a word to Ibn al-Zubayr ever.”
Ibn al-Zubayr then sought intercession with her, as the period of estrangement became prolonged. She replied: “By Allah, I will not let anyone intercede for him, nor will I compromise my vow in any way.”
When this continued for some time, Ibn al-Zubayr spoke to Al-Miswar ibn Makhramah and Abdul-Rahman ibn al-Aswad ibn Yaghuth, both from Banu Zuhrah. He said to them: “I ask you by Allah to bring me to Aisha, for it is not permissible for her to cut me off.”
Al-Miswar and Abdul-Rahman agreed and approached her, covered in their cloaks. They sought permission to enter, saying: “As-salamu alayki wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, may we enter?” Aisha replied: “Enter.” They asked: “All of us, O Mother of the Believers?” She said: “Yes, all of you may enter.”
Aisha did not know that Ibn al-Zubayr was with them. When they entered, Ibn al-Zubayr came past the screen, embraced Aisha, and pleaded with her, weeping. Meanwhile, Al-Miswar and Abdul-Rahman also interceded and pleaded with her, although she did not speak to him (Ibn al-Zubayr), nor did she accept it from him.
They reminded her: “You know that the Prophet ﷺ forbade prolonged estrangement, for it is not permissible for a Muslim to leave his brother for more than three days.”
After they repeatedly reminded and urged her, Aisha began to reconsider her vow, crying, saying: “I have made a vow, and the vow is serious.” They continued persuading her until she finally spoke to Ibn al-Zubayr. She then freed forty slaves for breaking her vow.
Even afterward, when she recalled her vow, she would weep until her tears soaked her khimar.
[Sahih al-Bukhari 6073-6075]
Aisha set a firm boundary, refusing to speak with Ibn al-Zubayr (who is her nephew) after his reaction to a gift she had sent him. It is likely that Ibn al-Zubayr rejected the gift because Aisha often spent most of her wealth on charity, leaving little for herself. Ibn al-Zubayr wanted her to stop giving everything in charity.
When Ibn al-Zubayr threatened her over this matter, Aisha viewed it as an infringement on her personal autonomy and her right to manage her own wealth. Moreover, she was deeply hurt to hear such words from Ibn al-Zubayr, given that he was speaking in that manner to his maternal aunt.
Feeling that her boundaries had been seriously crossed, Aisha vowed never to speak to Ibn al-Zubayr again, resulting in a prolonged period of estrangement between them.
4. Seek support
Distancing yourself from your parents might be the biggest trial in life. It is very devastating to one’s sense of self-worth.
That is why support becomes essential in cases like this. Seek support from close friends, trusted individuals, and counselors.
We are here to help you go through this big trial, support you along the way, and guide you through Islamic counseling.
You do not need to go through this alone—but it is entirely up to you how you would like to face this journey.
Safeguarding yourself from your parents might make you feel guilty for going against them, but know that Allah is the Most Just. He would never command you to remain in an abusive environment—doing so would be dishonoring and cruel.
Never forget the power of du‘a, especially when you place your trust in Allah. Many things can change for the better through His help.
However, we should not rely on du‘a alone without taking action. That is not how Allah brings about change. True change begins when we take the first step toward it.
عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
The punishment for abusive parents
Allah is fair and just, which means He will not overlook any type of abuse. Victims of parental abuse often feel helpless, believing that their parents can get away with what they have done, but this is not the case.
Such parents will not get away. Allah punishes both in Dunyah and in Akhirah, which means that the victim will get justice in both worlds. Allah never lets anyone down.
The punishment may come fast, or Allah delays it for some time, but such parents will definitely face their consequences.
Consequences could be a deep decline in their health, being shamed by their closest people, having no support, people leaving them, crippling isolation.
All these are types of punishments that Allah gives to people who have harmed others. And He knows best what would be the best punishment.
The victim of parental abuse should not wait for the punishment to occur whilst living with his abuser. This would only allow the parent to not face his consequences, as staying would interfere with it.
The real punishment of such a parent comes down to shame and isolation. They will eventually observe that their actions do have consequences, and that Allah is displeased with them, and that in the afterlife, their situation would only become worse.
Allah never lets anyone down. Victims of parental abuse will get their justice, but their role is not to sabotage it by staying or enabling their abuser.
Supplicating against your parents
It may feel unnatural to make supplication against your parents — when, in moments of anger and deep pain, you ask Allah to punish them for their abuse.
And yes, it is unnatural, because they were meant to be your safe haven — the ones who protected you and helped you build the tools to face life’s challenges.
It’s understandable that you feel anger and resentment toward your parents. They have hurt you deeply and repeatedly, and a part of you longs for justice.
Allah does not forbid you from making supplication against your parents if you have a valid reason. Every general rule has its exceptions, and this also applies to supplication.
In general, we are encouraged to pray for what is good. You may hear that Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) prayed for his father’s forgiveness, but that does not mean it is haram to supplicate against someone who has wronged you.
Allah does not withhold punishment from an abusive parent simply because of their parental status.
It is neither immoral nor wrong to make supplication against someone who has deeply wronged you. There is even evidence for this in the following narration:
عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
Here, the Prophet (ﷺ) warns oppressors to beware of the supplication of those who are wronged. If making such a supplication were forbidden, the Prophet (ﷺ) would not have given this warning.
Therefore, the choice is yours — whether to use your supplication to seek justice or to let go and choose forgiveness. There is nothing wrong with seeking justice; it is part of human nature, and Allah does not look down upon it.
Abusive parents misusing Islam
It does not take long for a person to understand that those verses and hadiths used by abusive parents are placed out of context.
If one were to say that those verses and hadiths also include abusive parents, then that would be a huge insult to Allah. It requires one to say that Allah would be acting unjustly towards the victims of parental abuse.
Instructing a victim of parental abuse to stay with their abuser indicates the following:
- That the victim is not permitted to protect oneself from injustice.
- That the victim has to deal with injustice and be silent.
- That the abuser can get away for being abusive.
- That Allah grants a high status to parents who are oppressors.
- That Allah is unjust.
Anyone who believes Allah is unjust has left the fold of Islam. So, what remains but ignorance or knowingly rebelling due to one's desires?
Allah praises parents in the Quran, but also through the Prophet (ﷺ). Let's look at some examples that are often misinterpreted by abusive parents and their enablers.
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا
For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]
This verse is probably the most beloved to abusive parents, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.
How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.
This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children in any way. They are honored and respected, and this is the instruction to the believers who have such parents.
If one were to say that this also applies to abusive parents, then he would be in the wrong, awfully wrong.
وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا
And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]
This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.
Abusive parents do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his parents even if they physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve in that case!?
وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]
Al-Tabari said:
As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them."
[Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]
Al-Tabari continued on saying:
كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]
Al-Tabari said:
Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah:
"And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'"
This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance.
It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (ﷺ) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him."
[Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]
The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to merciful parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect.
If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.
Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ
And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]
Some abusive mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.
This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A devoted mother endures hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.
Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]
Allah says that the people are ordered to honour their parents. Of course, this does not include abusive parents, because what honour do such people deserve!?
Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.
The believers are ordered to honour their (good) parents, even if they were to order to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ " الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ. قَالَ " ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ " الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ". فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي.
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more.
[Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]
To be good and dutiful to one's parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is thus ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.
An oppressor and tyrannical parent does not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of people.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ " الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ. قَالَ " ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ " الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ". فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي.
Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father. "
[Sahih Bukhari 5971]
This is a valuable Hadith emphasizing the importance of the mother in Islam. The mother, who carries the child for 9 months and breastfeeds them for 2 years. The mother, who is always there for her child, providing the best care she can. This is the good mother, filled with compassion and love in her heart.
Then there is the abusive mother, who often repeats "Ummuka, ummuka, ummuka", trying to manipulate her children into compliance, regardless of her unjust behavior and oppression. This is the mother who has no goodness, lacking gentleness and love. She does not deserve to have the child, as she continues to break every boundary.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ " نَعَمْ ". قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا {لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ}
Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8)
[Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]
Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever. This is how a Muslim should be, just and fair.
However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.
It shows that parents do not always deserve to have close relationship with. There are conditions that need to be met. They should not fight you actively because of your religion and cause you to compromise. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, so this can be a reason to not be as close to them.
So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, and psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and making your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.
Abusive parents: those who do not deserve respect
It is clear to anyone who has read this article that the idea of abusive parents being given a high status is entirely false, horribly false.
Allah praises those who do good, and He grants them a great status for it. This is despite one's belief, as we see in His command to be kind to disbelieving parents, to treat them justly, and to obey them in what is good.
Islam condemns abuse in all its forms. Injustice is something every Muslim must avoid and speak out against. This is an act of bravery, and only those who are willing to face the consequences can accomplish it.
In most cases, abusive parents are either narcissistic, borderline, psychopathic, or a mixture of all three. Narcissistic fathers tend to be more controlling while narcissistic mothers more derogatory.
Speak the truth and be just, even if it goes against yourself, your parents, or close relatives.
The coward is the one who sees injustice, enables it, and allows it to continue, handing over his Muslim brother to an oppressor. Such a person is part of the abuse and deserves no honour either.
۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا
O believers! Stand firm for justice as witnesses for Allah even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or close relatives. Be they rich or poor, Allah is best to ensure their interests. So do not let your desires cause you to deviate ˹from justice˺. If you distort the testimony or refuse to give it, then ˹know that˺ Allah is certainly All-Aware of what you do.
[4:135 Quran]
Get supported and validated
In a world that gaslights victims of parental abuse, it is even more important to feel heard and validated. You know your story and experience best, and no one can take that away from you.
The internal chaos that leads to mental exhaustion and emotional turmoil does not disappear on its own.
Yes, with Allah's help, there will be ease, but one must actively work towards healing for things to change.
We are here for you, offering Islamic counseling services to help guide you through the healing process from parental abuse. You are welcome to join, alongside many who already have.
