When are parents regarded as abusive?
Abuse means to violate another person's rights and boundaries. This can be in the forms: physical, emotional, verbal, mental, financial, spiritual, sexual.
Parents hold much control over their children. Their powerful position might lead them to abuse their children, by for example: demanding money, services, absolute obedience, and total submission.
Such toxic parents can cause their children to feel inadequate about themselves, have mental health problems, and even in extreme cases develop suicidal thoughts.
So, it is a very serious subject, something that deserves attention. Sure, parents have rights, but so do their children.
How should a person who is dealing with parental abuse deal with the situation? What does Islam say about the consequences of such parental behavior?
Islam absolutely condemns such behavior, and it is classified as a major sin to abuse another human being. Such parents are crossing the boundaries placed by Allah, and they will definitely be held accountable for that.
Allah does not honor wrongdoers, even if they are parents. He values only those parents who are loving and respect their children's boundaries.
Contents
Verbal and emotional abuse
Many parents feel that because they hold a powerful position and a high status with Allah, that they can make high demands from their children, manipulate them into obedience, or excessively punish them.
Anyone who abuses their power is in fact acting cowardly, and this is not okay in Islam. Parents should respect their children and never abuse them.
Verbal abuse ties into emotional abuse, it is a branch of it. To speak harsh words and denegrate the child is considered verbal abuse, and to withhold love, support, or guidance from the child is considered emotional abuse.
- Name-calling: 'oh donkey', 'oh animal', 'oh dog'
- Constantly criticizing your school performance, your choice of career, or your choice of partner
- Screaming and shouting hurtful things to you
- Saying that you are a burden
- Bullying your looks, aspirations, and social life
- Laughing at your mistakes and putting you down
- Saying that you shouldn't have been born, or that you are a failure
- Deliberately ignoring you
- Making you witness others getting abused
Many parents verbally and emotionally abuse their children. They do this as a form of punishment, or to express their anger. In any case, this is wrong and absolutely forbidden in Islam. Such a parent can devestate the child to such an extent that he or she develops suicidal thoughts, isolates, and gives up on life.
Many abusive parents know deep inside what they are doing is wrong, but they try to justify their actions by misusing verses of the Quran or narrations from the Sunnah. And that ties into gaslighting and spiritual abuse.
Islam would never support such parents, as they abuse others and cause great harm. Allah does not excuse their behavior, for that would be unjust, and Allah is the Most Just.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting means to distort reality and make the victim believe that they are the problem, and that whatever they get is what they deserve.
Such parents justify their behavior by saying that the child had it coming, due to misbehavior or disobedience. However, this is just their sad and wicked way to justify the unjustifiable.
It never becomes justified to abuse another human being, even if they are disobedient or defiant.
Parents often exeggerate their children's behavior to justify abuse. However, Allah will never excuse such parents for the abuse, for that would else be unjust.
- Lying and denying, even when you show them evidence
- Insisting that you deserve abuse
- Telling you that you are overreacting when you call them out
- Suddenly becoming a bit more loving, in order to make you forget the abuse
- Telling you that you are crazy and are making things up that never happened
- Making the child feel that they have no right to be upset, and that they should be grateful for being provided with food and shelter
Gaslighting is very hurtful and devestates a person. It makes the person doubt his own reality and invalidate his experiences.
This form of abuse is especially destructive, and the parent uses it to make the child comply and forget anything that caused them suffering. Such parents just want you to forget and move on, just in order to prevent being held accountable for what they did.
How to deal with abusive parents
It becomes difficult to deal with abusive parents on a daily basis. You might feel tired mentally and emotionally, as it has taken a toll on your health and well-being to have been the constant recipient of parental abuse.
Parents cannot get away with everything they do. There should be consequences to the hurt and suffering they cause. If this wasn't the case, then Allah would have been unjust. So what are the consequences?
Islam permits the victim of parental abuse to protect himself. This can be done by setting boundaries and adding a consequence to when it is broken. Of course, this consequence must be reasonable and fair.
- Physical abuse: Calling the police whenever you feel unsafe and are being physically abused.
- Verbal and emotional abuse: Distancing oneself whenever your health and well-being are being damaged to an extreme extent, such as becoming depressed.
- Sexual abuse: Reporting it to the police.
- Spiritual abuse: Standing true to yourself and challenging the spiritual abuse with strong evidences.
- Financial abuse: Protecting yourself from parents taking your money without your consent, and refusing to give it when there is no real need—especially when doing so puts you in a difficult financial situation.
You do not have to just take the abuse and do nothing about it. In fact, you must do something about it, as it is destroying you little by little. Remaining passive also harms your religious practice, as the decline in your physical health can prevent you from performing acts of worship.
Allah is never unjust, so how could it be ascribed to Him that He would command you to remain patient and idle in the face of abuse?
Remaining passive in such case is actually against Islam. Allah ordered the Prophet and his companions to migrate due to the extreme abuse the believers were facing in Makkah. They migrated to safe environments, and they were not told to just be patient and take the abuse. We are all human, and abuse will definitely destroy us if we do not take action.
So the premise that you must be patient because they are your parents is absolutely false and incorrect. You should not be patient, instead, you should take action to protect yourself.
Sure, if the abuse is not continuous, and your parent is willing to work on himself, then yes, you should be patient. But whenever your parent is persistent, you must protect yourself, according to Islam.
Self-harm is forbidden, and staying with an abusive parent can, in a way, be a form of self-harm. The hatred you feel toward your parents, when unexpressed, may eventually lead you to direct that hatred inward.
It is understandable that one might find it difficult to leave an abusive parent, as there are unmet needs that the victim desperately seeks to fulfill through them. However, this will only keep the victim stuck, as the parent is incapable of meeting those needs.
It is permissible to leave an abusive parent. Islam provides exceptions to every rule. Even shirk, the greatest sin in Islam, has an exception (when one's life is at risk).
If there was no exception to the rule that one must be good to one's parents, then victims of parental abuse would be stuck forever, and unable to protect themselves from harm, and this would obviously be very unjust.
Allah is fair, and the Most Just, so He would never order a person to continue suffering when there is a way out. And there is a way out in the case of parental abuse, and that is by leaving the toxic environment.
The permissibility of leaving a toxic parent
Here are some evidences showing the permissibility of leaving a toxic environment in order to protect oneself:
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
This narration shows that a Muslim cannot hand anyone over to an oppressor. Many people do exactly this, they tell the victim to stay patient, which is in fact handing them over to the oppressor.
Some victims of parental abuse do the same, as they hand themselves over to their abusive parent, allowing themselves to get abused over and over again.
حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا مُعْتَمِرٌ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ". قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ " تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), it is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
[Sahih Bukhari 2444]
This narration shows that a Muslim is allowed to be taken away from their oppressor. Such is the beauty of Islam, as it will never order a person to remain stuck in a cycle of abuse.
Cutting ties with abusive parents
So, what about cutting ties with abusive parents, is that the same as just distancing oneself? No, it actually goes a step further. Cutting ties with abusive parents means you will stop contacting them, and that you remove them out of your life forever.
In extreme cases, cutting ties with abusive parents is allowed. This is to honor the victim and validate their experiences, and to serve as a form of justice.
Cutting ties would only be allowed when the victim was severely abused to such an extent that they became traumatized, cannot forgive their abuser, and were made to absolutely despise them.
Sometimes, a person may experience something traumatic without becoming traumatized, while another person may undergo the exact same experience and become traumatized. This difference is due to the individual's sensitivity.
- Sexual abuse: The parent sexually abused their young child and leaves enormous damage through it.
- Severe abandonment: The parent abandoned their child for years, without ever reaching out or contacting their child.
- Physical torture: The parent physically abuses their child repeatedly in extreme ways, using tools such as belts, chairs, or by throwing objects, often leaving behind serious injuries.
- Severe emotional neglect: The parent is emotionally detached and ignores their child's needs for love, support, and encouragement for months or even years. They show no care for the child, speaking to them only when they need something.
- Severe verbal abuse: The parent says extremely hurtful things to their child, destroying the child’s sense of self and self-worth, with statements such as “You should not have been born,” “I hope you were dead,” “I should have aborted you; you're nothing but a curse,” “The only reason you're still alive is because I haven't snapped yet,” and “You're a stain on this family; I don’t even want to claim you.”
- Severe betrayal: The parent is just using the child as a tool for sadistic pleasure or worldly gains. For example: Demanding money even when there is no real need for it, bullying the child in public, sharing the victim's deepest secrets, excessively punishing and degrading the child, failing to protect the child from getting abused.
If any of these actions are carried out by parents and result in trauma, then the victim would have a valid reason to cut off contact.
It is truly heartbreaking that these traumatic acts are being carried out by many so-called 'parents.' They are not deserving of that title; a more accurate term for them would be monsters.
Not every parent is loving and caring. In fact, it has become increasingly difficult for us to believe that these cases are just the minority among parents today.
The many victims of abuse we have helped through Islamic counseling all testify that they can no longer even look their parents in the eye. It is truly heartbreaking, and we continue to hear such experiences.
Allah would never command a victim of trauma to remain with their abuser. No loving parent would ever ask their child to stay with the person who traumatized them, so how can anyone attribute this to Allah!? Isn't Allah more merciful than a merciful parent?
Are people not afraid of Allah's punishment for falsely attributing such things to Him? Does one really think that Allah commands victims of trauma to stay with their traumatizer!?
Allah is the Most Just, and He commands the believers to protect one another, not to inflict further harm by keeping them in a harmful environment. It is very harmful to tell a victim to maintain contact with the one who has destroyed their life.
It is for those who reflect and have an open mind that the truth becomes clear. When the heart is closed, there is no space for any truth to enter.
Islam is against shaming victims
Islam does not shame a victim of parental abuse, ever. Instead, it encourages the victim to seek help and assistance, in order for the harm to stop. If the parent is unwilling to change, the only option left is for the victim to remove himself from the toxic environment.
Nothing else would help a victim of parental abuse. People might shame such person if they ever hold grudges towards their abusive parent, or leave in order to protect their sanity. Those people are enablers, and thereby abusive themselves.
It does not befit Allah to be displeased with victims of parental abuse who decide to protect their own sanity and well-being. Allah would never discourage that, as He is the Most Just.
Staying or leaving?
To stay or leave is based on your situation, the severity of it, and whether your parents are willing to change.
Not every form of abuse is severe, some are mild, like for example occassional lying, taking away something small from you, being a bit controlling in what you will choose as a career, etc.
But as for the bigger cases, these should be dealt with differently, and no victim of such treatment should ever be told to remain passive if it damages their health and well-being.
As the great saying goes: "Nothing changes if nothing changes". Taking action is necessary if you want to change your life. This is definitely not easy, but definitely necessary.
At the end of the day, you are in control of your own decisions. Even being passive and doing nothing is a decision.
As you are the best judge of your own situation, what advice would you give yourself if you were your own mentor? Would you recommend staying or leaving? If you're finding it difficult to decide, consider seeking support through Islamic counseling.
Below, we discuss the pros and cons of staying and leaving an abusive parent who is damaging your health and well-being.
Quran verses about abusive parents
Allah, in His Wisdom and Knowledge, conveys specific instances through general expressions, ensuring conciseness.
He does not need to list every situation individually, as this would make the Quran far larger than necessary. In His perfect wisdom, Allah has left nothing crucial unaddressed. Even abusive parents fall under the Quran’s general mention of oppressors and wrongdoers.
This extends to abusive stepparents, in-laws, and foster parents, who do not need to be mentioned separately, as they are already included in the broader category of oppressors.
يَوْمَئِذٍۢ يَصْدُرُ ٱلنَّاسُ أَشْتَاتًۭا لِّيُرَوْا۟ أَعْمَـٰلَهُمْ
فَمَن يَعْمَلْ مِثْقَالَ ذَرَّةٍ خَيْرًۭا يَرَهُۥ
وَمَن يَعْمَلْ مِثْقَالَ ذَرَّةٍۢ شَرًّۭا يَرَهُۥ
On that Day people will proceed in separate groups to be shown ˹the consequences of˺ their deeds.
So whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it.
And whoever does an atom’s weight of evil will see it.
[99:6-8 Quran]
The two angels record every deed and write it in a book, nothing is left out. This book will be presented on the Day of Judgement. So people will see what they used to do, and nothing will be left out.
Allah is never unjust to anyone, meaning He does not ignore even the slightest act of abuse.
أَفَمَن يَتَّقِى بِوَجْهِهِۦ سُوٓءَ ٱلْعَذَابِ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ ۚ وَقِيلَ لِلظَّـٰلِمِينَ ذُوقُوا۟ مَا كُنتُمْ تَكْسِبُونَ
Are those who will only have their ˹bare˺ faces to shield themselves from the awful torment on Judgment Day ˹better than those in Paradise˺? It will ˹then˺ be said to the wrongdoers: “Reap what you sowed!”
[39:24 Quran]
Allah will not disregard any act of abuse. On the Day of Judgment, abusers will face the consequences of their wrongdoing.
۞ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ وَإِيتَآئِ ذِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱلْبَغْىِ ۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ
Indeed, Allah commands justice, grace, as well as generosity to close relatives. He forbids immorality, wrongdoing, and oppression. He instructs you so perhaps you will be mindful.
[16:90 Quran]
Allah forbids all forms of injustice, including mistreating and oppressing the vulnerable. He will not overlook such actions from any parent, as that would be unjust.
تَرَى ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا كَسَبُوا۟ وَهُوَ وَاقِعٌۢ بِهِمْ ۗ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ فِى رَوْضَاتِ ٱلْجَنَّاتِ ۖ لَهُم مَّا يَشَآءُونَ عِندَ رَبِّهِمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ هُوَ ٱلْفَضْلُ ٱلْكَبِيرُ
You will see the wrongdoers fearful ˹of the punishment˺ for what they have earned, and it will certainly befall them. Whereas those who believe and do good will be in the lush Gardens of Paradise. They will have whatever they desire from their Lord. That is ˹truly˺ the greatest bounty.
[42:22 Quran]
On the Day of Judgment, Allah will hold those who abused and wronged others accountable for their actions, and there will be no escape from their punishment.
وَوُضِعَ ٱلْكِتَـٰبُ فَتَرَى ٱلْمُجْرِمِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا فِيهِ وَيَقُولُونَ يَـٰوَيْلَتَنَا مَالِ هَـٰذَا ٱلْكِتَـٰبِ لَا يُغَادِرُ صَغِيرَةًۭ وَلَا كَبِيرَةً إِلَّآ أَحْصَىٰهَا ۚ وَوَجَدُوا۟ مَا عَمِلُوا۟ حَاضِرًۭا ۗ وَلَا يَظْلِمُ رَبُّكَ أَحَدًۭا
And the record ˹of deeds˺ will be laid ˹open˺, and you will see the wicked in fear of what is ˹written˺ in it. They will cry, “Woe to us! What kind of record is this that does not leave any sin, small or large, unlisted?” They will find whatever they did present ˹before them˺. And your Lord will never do injustice to anyone.
[18:49 Quran]
Nothing will be omitted; everything will be recorded and written in the book assigned to each person. The two angels document every deed we commit in this life, and on that Day, the wrongdoers will be confronted with the reality that nothing is overlooked or excluded from the injustices they once carried out.
مَّنْ عَمِلَ صَـٰلِحًۭا فَلِنَفْسِهِۦ ۖ وَمَنْ أَسَآءَ فَعَلَيْهَا ۗ وَمَا رَبُّكَ بِظَلَّـٰمٍۢ لِّلْعَبِيدِ
Whoever does good, it is to their own benefit. And whoever does evil, it is to their own loss. Your Lord is never unjust to ˹His˺ creation.
[41:46 Quran]
Do good, and you will be rewarded. Whoever commits evil will face the consequences, for Allah is never unjust to His creation.
وَنَضَعُ ٱلْمَوَٰزِينَ ٱلْقِسْطَ لِيَوْمِ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ فَلَا تُظْلَمُ نَفْسٌۭ شَيْـًۭٔا ۖ وَإِن كَانَ مِثْقَالَ حَبَّةٍۢ مِّنْ خَرْدَلٍ أَتَيْنَا بِهَا ۗ وَكَفَىٰ بِنَا حَـٰسِبِينَ
And We will set up the scales of justice for the Day of Judgment, so no soul will be wronged at all. And if there is ˹even˺ the weight of a mustard seed, We will bring it forth. And sufficient are We as a ˹vigilant˺ Reckoner.
[21:47 Quran]
Those who have been wronged will receive ultimate justice on the Day of Judgment. No oppressor will be overlooked; everyone will be held accountable for their actions.
۞ لَّا يُحِبُّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْجَهْرَ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْلِ إِلَّا مَن ظُلِمَ ۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ سَمِيعًا عَلِيمًا
Allah does not like the public mention of evil except by one who have been wronged. And Allah is Hearing and Knowing.
[4:148 Quran]
And this is from the justice of Allah: He allows those who have suffered injustice to voice their grievances and does not silence them. Speaking up against oppression is not blameworthy.
وَمَآ أَصَـٰبَكُم مِّن مُّصِيبَةٍۢ فَبِمَا كَسَبَتْ أَيْدِيكُمْ وَيَعْفُوا۟ عَن كَثِيرٍۢ
And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much.
[42:30 Quran]
While Allah pardons much, He does not forgive those who harm others by infringing upon their rights and violating their boundaries—unless the victims choose to forgive their wrongdoers.
Allah also punishes wrongdoers in this life. He does not grant oppressors an entire lifetime to escape His justice; they will face the consequences of their actions and endure the disasters they have brought upon themselves. And Allah is swift in His reckoning.
وَأَمَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ فَيُوَفِّيهِمْ أُجُورَهُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ
And as for those who believe and do good, they will be rewarded in full. And Allah does not like the wrongdoers.
[3:57 Quran]
Allah utterly detests those who oppress others and spread corruption on earth, including oppressive parents.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ
O you who believe, be persistently standing firm for Allah, as witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just, for that is nearer to righteousness. Fear Allah, for Allah is aware of what you do.
[3:57 Quran]
This verse also applies to those who remain silent in the face of abuse and those who manipulate victims into staying with their abusers. Stand for justice, even if it means facing hatred for opposing injustice.
Anyone who enables abuse is themselves an abuser. Allah does not tolerate injustice, whether it comes from a high spiritual figure or an ordinary person.
The verse also speaks to victims of abuse—be just to yourself. Do not neglect your well-being by enduring harm when you have the ability to protect yourself. Safeguard yourself from harm and do not abuse yourself.
Hadiths about abusive parents
The Prophet has also addressed the matter of oppressors and wrongdoers. He spoke about their characteristics, whether retaliation is permissible, their inevitable punishment, guidance on assisting the oppressed, and the supplication of the oppressed.
حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، حَدَّثَنِي يَحْيَى بْنُ سَعِيدٍ، عَنْ سُفْيَانَ، حَدَّثَنَا مَنْصُورٌ، عَنْ تَمِيمِ بْنِ سَلَمَةَ، عَنْ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنِ هِلاَلٍ، عَنْ جَرِيرٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " مَنْ يُحْرَمِ الرِّفْقَ يُحْرَمِ الْخَيْرَ " .
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Whoever is deprived of gentleness, is deprived of goodness."
[Sahih Muslim 2577]
Every abuser is deprived of gentleness, making them deprived of goodness. Gentleness is the foundation of goodness.
حَدَّثَنَا عُبَيْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُعَاذٍ الْعَنْبَرِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبِي، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، عَنِ الْمِقْدَامِ، - وَهُوَ ابْنُ شُرَيْحِ بْنِ هَانِئٍ - عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، زَوْجِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " إِنَّ الرِّفْقَ لاَ يَكُونُ فِي شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ زَانَهُ وَلاَ يُنْزَعُ مِنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ شَانَهُ " .
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective."
[Sahih Muslim 2594a]
Ugliness is found in heartlessness, and beauty is found in kindness. Abusive parents do not possess kindness, rather their heart has become callous and wicked, and those are the ones that are filled with ugliness.
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ أَيُّوبَ، وَقُتَيْبَةُ، وَابْنُ، حُجْرٍ قَالُوا حَدَّثَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ، - يَعْنُونَ ابْنَ جَعْفَرٍ - عَنِ الْعَلاَءِ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " الْمُسْتَبَّانِ مَا قَالاَ فَعَلَى الْبَادِئِ مَا لَمْ يَعْتَدِ الْمَظْلُومُ " .
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"When two persons argue, it is upon the first who is responsible, as long as the oppressed does not transgress the limits."
[Sahih Muslim 2587]
This Hadith teaches us that if two people abuse each other, the sin falls upon the one who initiated the harm, as long as the second person does not exceed the limits of what was done to him.
While retaliation is allowed if legal and proportionate, it is wiser for the victim of parental abuse to hold back and respond only in a safe environment. The best approach is to entrust the matter to Allah, as the victim may often lack the full ability to retaliate on their own.
When the matter is left to Allah, He will grant justice on behalf of the victim, and He is the most Knowledgeable, the most Powerful.
حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ بْنُ أَبِي إِيَاسٍ، حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ أَبِي ذِئْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا سَعِيدٌ الْمَقْبُرِيُّ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " مَنْ كَانَتْ لَهُ مَظْلَمَةٌ لأَحَدٍ مِنْ عِرْضِهِ أَوْ شَىْءٍ فَلْيَتَحَلَّلْهُ مِنْهُ الْيَوْمَ، قَبْلَ أَنْ لاَ يَكُونَ دِينَارٌ وَلاَ دِرْهَمٌ، إِنْ كَانَ لَهُ عَمَلٌ صَالِحٌ أُخِذَ مِنْهُ بِقَدْرِ مَظْلَمَتِهِ، وَإِنْ لَمْ تَكُنْ لَهُ حَسَنَاتٌ أُخِذَ مِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ صَاحِبِهِ فَحُمِلَ عَلَيْهِ ". قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ قَالَ إِسْمَاعِيلُ بْنُ أَبِي أُوَيْسٍ إِنَّمَا سُمِّيَ الْمَقْبُرِيَّ لأَنَّهُ كَانَ نَزَلَ نَاحِيَةَ الْمَقَابِرِ. قَالَ أَبُو عَبْدِ اللَّهِ وَسَعِيدٌ الْمَقْبُرِيُّ هُوَ مَوْلَى بَنِي لَيْثٍ، وَهُوَ سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ، وَاسْمُ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ كَيْسَانُ.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him."
[Sahih Bukhari 2449]
The abuser will have to pay on the Day of Judgement, by giving away his good deeds to the one he oppressed. Besides that, the sins of the oppressed will be loaded on the abuser, making his sins even heavier and more.
النَّارِ خَمْسَةٌ الضَّعِيفُ الَّذِي لاَ زَبْرَ لَهُ الَّذِينَ هُمْ فِيكُمْ تَبَعًا لاَ يَتْبَعُونَ أَهْلاً وَلاَ مَالاً وَالْخَائِنُ الَّذِي لاَ يَخْفَى لَهُ طَمَعٌ وَإِنْ دَقَّ إِلاَّ خَانَهُ وَرَجُلٌ لاَ يُصْبِحُ وَلاَ يُمْسِي إِلاَّ وَهُوَ يُخَادِعُكَ عَنْ أَهْلِكَ وَمَالِكَ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Five will be the inmates of Hell:
1: The weak who lack power (are careless) to avoid evil. They merely follow and don't pursue family or wealth.
2: The treacherous one whose greed is not concealed even in minor matters except that he betrays.
3: The man who does not begin his morning or evening except that he deceives you concerning your family and your property.
4: The miser and the liar.
5: Those who are in the habit of abusing people and using obscene and foul language.
[Sahih Muslim 2865a]
Those who are in the habit of abusing people, use foul and obscene language, Allah will not spare them.
This should be relieving for victims of parental abuse, as Allah will certainly hold abusers accountable for the continuous harm they have caused.
There are actually victims of parental abuse who can testify that their abuser fit all the mentioned groups, and that is a truly heartbreaking reality.
حَدَّثَنَا عُمَرُ بْنُ حَفْصٍ، حَدَّثَنِي أَبِي، حَدَّثَنَا الأَعْمَشُ، حَدَّثَنَا شَقِيقٌ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم " سِبَابُ الْمُسْلِمِ فُسُوقٌ، وَقِتَالُهُ كُفْرٌ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (evil doing) and killing him is Kufr.
[Sahih Bukhari 2444]
It is considered a major sin to abuse another Muslim, whether that be emotionally or verbally. The abusers are infact Fussaq (those who are persistent in commiting major sins).
عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مَنْ ضَرَبَ ضَرْبًا ظُلْمًا اقْتُصَّ مِنْهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
“Whoever hits someone unjustly will receive retribution for it on the Day of Resurrection.”
[al-Adab al-Mufrad 178]
The parents has no right to physically abuse his son or daughter. This is great injustice, for which they will be held accountable for on the Day of Judgement.
Hitting as a means of disciplining is not done by leaving bruises, using tools, hitting the face, or being excessive. Any of these actions would be considered criminal.
حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا مُعْتَمِرٌ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ". قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ " تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), it is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others."
[Sahih Bukhari 2444]
Preventing an oppressor from harming others is also an act of goodness, as it helps reduce their sins.
The priority, however, is to assist the oppressed by removing them from the harmful environment. This includes providing a safe physical space, offering counsel, and validating their experiences.
The one who fails to help the oppressed, despite being able to do so, is no different from the abuser.
حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ".
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
It is absolutely forbidden to hand over a Muslim to an oppressor. So, what about telling a victim of parental abuse to stay with their oppressor!?
Shame on those who enable parental abuse and offer the most misguided advice in such situations: "Be patient." Shame on them.
Victims of parental abuse should not be told to be patient; instead, they should be validated and helped by being removed from their abusive environment. The Prophet (ﷺ) also instructed the believers to remove the oppressed from the oppressor, so why have those enablers abandoned their reasoning!?
It is clear to anyone that telling a victim of parental abuse to stay with their abuser is unjust. Allah is never unjust, and therefore, He would never instruct victims of abuse to remain with the one who harms them.
Whenever a person is subjected to persistent abuse, which undermines their well-being, they are allowed to remove themselves from the abuser. That would be a form of justice for the victim, and Allah is never unjust.
عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
Allah will answer the supplication of the oppressed, and there is no barrier between it and Allah.
This means that Allah will always be there for the oppressed after they invoke Him, whether they ask for help or seek justice against the abuser.
If the victim of parental abuse is being abused, he should find a way out in order to protect himself from further abuse. If he remains passive, then this is choosing for the abuse to continue, and Allah does not help in such case. One should not sabotage change while at the same time expect things to change.
It is not realistic to expect change simply by performing du'a without taking the necessary steps to protect oneself from further abuse.
إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّىٰ يُغَيِّرُوا۟ مَا بِأَنفُسِهِمْ ۗ
Indeed, Allāh will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.
[13:11 Quran]
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ نُمَيْرٍ، عَنْ سَعْدَانَ الْقُبِّيِّ، عَنْ أَبِي مُجَاهِدٍ، عَنْ أَبِي مُدِلَّةَ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " ثَلاَثَةٌ لاَ تُرَدُّ دَعْوَتُهُمُ الصَّائِمُ حَتَّى يُفْطِرَ وَالإِمَامُ الْعَادِلُ وَدَعْوَةُ الْمَظْلُومِ يَرْفَعُهَا اللَّهُ فَوْقَ الْغَمَامِ وَيَفْتَحُ لَهَا أَبْوَابَ السَّمَاءِ وَيَقُولُ الرَّبُّ وَعِزَّتِي لأَنْصُرَنَّكَ وَلَوْ بَعْدَ حِينٍ " . قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ وَسَعْدَانُ الْقُبِّيُّ هُوَ سَعْدَانُ بْنُ بِشْرٍ . وَقَدْ رَوَى عَنْهُ عِيسَى بْنُ يُونُسَ وَأَبُو عَاصِمٍ وَغَيْرُ وَاحِدٍ مِنْ كِبَارِ أَهْلِ الْحَدِيثِ وَأَبُو مُجَاهِدٍ هُوَ سَعْدٌ الطَّائِيُّ وَأَبُو مُدِلَّةَ هُوَ مَوْلَى أُمِّ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَائِشَةَ وَإِنَّمَا نَعْرِفُهُ بِهَذَا الْحَدِيثِ وَيُرْوَى عَنْهُ هَذَا الْحَدِيثُ أَتَمَّ مِنْ هَذَا وَأَطْوَلَ .
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’"
[Sunan Tirmidhi 3598 (Hasan)]
Allah being the Most Knowledgable and Most Wise, answers the supplication of the oppressed whenever He sees fit.
This could mean that the supplication is answered immediately, but it could also mean that some time needs to pass before Allah sees fit. Whatever the case, Allah knows when the best time would be, and He will surely aid the victim of parental abuse invoking Him.
It becomes especially difficult when supplications are not answered immediately, as it can lead to impatience and more distress. The victim of parental abuse desperately seeks justice or a way to escape the abusive environment. In such moments, Allah's help is near.
Allah informs the believers that they will be tested, and this is undoubtedly a significant trial. The distress caused by parental abuse can be devastating, lasting for months and leaving the victim feeling empty.
Until they cry out to Allah, asking, "When will Allah’s help come?" Indeed, Allah’s help will come. Even the followers of other messengers before Prophet Muhammad reached such a point of hardship that they too cried out, "When will Allah’s help come?"
أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُوا۟ ٱلْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ ٱلَّذِينَ خَلَوْا۟ مِن قَبْلِكُم ۖ مَّسَّتْهُمُ ٱلْبَأْسَآءُ وَٱلضَّرَّآءُ وَزُلْزِلُوا۟ حَتَّىٰ يَقُولَ ٱلرَّسُولُ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ مَعَهُۥ مَتَىٰ نَصْرُ ٱللَّهِ ۗ أَلَآ إِنَّ نَصْرَ ٱللَّهِ قَرِيبٌۭ
Do you think you will be admitted into Paradise without being tested like those before you? They were afflicted with suffering and adversity and were so ˹violently˺ shaken that ˹even˺ the Messenger and the believers with him cried out, “When will Allah’s help come?” Indeed, Allah’s help is near.
[2:214 Quran]
The victim of parental abuse has control over choosing his environment, as he is free to move and possesses free will. This means leaving the abusive environment is possible when correct steps are taken. So there is no actual reason to reach a point of helplessness in this case.
As for justice being served, this will definitely happen. Allah never lets the abusers get away with what they used to do. But one should remain patient in that, as Allah knows when the right timing would be. And He will not disappoint the victim.
The fear of injustice among the Salaf Saliheen
The Sahaba and the two generations after them were the most fearful of commiting any form of injustice towards others. They had such great fear of Allah, that they did anything in their power to prevent this sin from being attributed to them.
حدثنا الحسين قال: حدثنا الفضل بن موسى، عن شيخ له سماه قال:
سمعت سعيد بن جبير يقول: من ضرب مملوكا له ظلما أقيد منه يوم القيامة. قال:
قلت يا أبا عبد الله يضرب ولده ويضرب أخاه يريد أن يقيمه قال: " ان الله لا يخفى عليه المفسد من المصلح ".
[مسند ابن المبارك - عبد الله بن المبارك - الصفحة ١٦١]
Al-Husayn told us, he said: Al-Fadl ibn Musa narrated to us from a man whom he named, who said: I heard Sa'id ibn Jubayr say: 'Whoever strikes his servant unjustly, he will be taken to account for it on the Day of Judgment.' I said, 'O Abu Abdullah, what about someone who strikes his son or his brother, intending to discipline them?' He replied: 'Indeed, it is not hidden from Allah who is the corrupt and who is the good.'"
[Musnad Ibn Mubarak page 161]
This means Allah knows the intentions of people, whether they are disciplining with good intentions or merely expressing their anger. There are specific conditions that must be met when using physical discipline as a method of correction.
Nothing is hidden from Allah, and He knows the motives of the oppressors. There is no escaping from Allah. He is the most Knowledgable, All-Aware.
أخبرنا أبو القاسم علي بن إبراهيم أنا رشأ بن نظيف أنا الحسن بن إسماعيل أنا أحمد بن مروان نا عمران بن موسى الجزري نا عيسى بن سليمان عن ضمرة قال كتب عمر بن عبد العزيز إلى بعض عماله أما بعد فإذا دعتك قدرتك على الناس إلى ظلمهم فاذكر قدرة الله تعالى عليك ونفاذ ما تأتي إليهم وبقاء ما يأتون إليك
[تاريخ مدينة دمشق - ج ٤٥ - الصفحة ٢٠٢]
'Umar ibn 'Abdul-Aziz warned:
"If your power ever calls you to oppress others, then know the power of Allah over you!"
[Tarikh Madinah wa Dimashq 45/202]
The righteous and just caliph, Umar ibn Abdul-Aziz (great-grandson of Umar ibn al-Khattab), was a strong opponent of injustice and oppression.
He advised those in positions of authority to fear Allah if they ever entertain the thought of oppressing others. This also applies to those who have authority over children, such as teachers, stepparents, and parents.
٤٠ - حَدَّثَنَا إِسْحَاقُ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ مُنِيبٍ الْعَدَنِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا السَّرِيُّ يَعْنِي ابْنَ يَحْيَى، حَدَّثَنِي مِنْ أَثِقُ بِهِ , أَنَّ عُمَرَ بْنَ عَبْدِ الْعَزِيزِ ضَمَّ ابْنَا لَهُ وَكَانَ يُحِبُّهُ فَقَالَ: «يَا فُلَانُ وَاللَّهِ إِنِّي لَأُحِبُّكَ وَمَا أَسْتَطِيعُ أَنْ أُوثِرَكَ عَلَى أَخِيكَ بِلُقْمَةٍ»
["العيال"؛ لابن أبي الدنيا (1/ 177)، رقم (40)]
Umar ibn Abdul Aziz embraced his son, whom he loved, and said: "O Fulan, by Allah, I truly love you, and I am not allowed to prefer you over your brother even with a single bite."
[Al-'Iyal - Ibn Abi Dunyah - Volume 1 - Page 177]
Here Umar ibn Abdul-Aziz is expressing his importance for fair treatment with his sons. He said he cannot favor one over the other, even in something as small as a single bite of food.
This in accordance with how the Prophet (ﷺ) expressed fairness between children. He once spoke against unfairness of a father, who put his son on his thigh and his daughter on the ground.
٣٦ - حَدَّثَنَا إِسْحَاقُ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، أَخْبَرَنَا يَزِيدُ بْنُ هَارُونَ، أَخْبَرَنَا أَبُو الْأَشْهَبِ، عَنِ الْحَسَنِ، قَالَ: بَيْنَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُحَدِّثُ أَصْحَابَهُ إِذْ جَاءَ صَبِيٌّ حَتَّى انْتَهَى إِلَى أَبِيهِ فِي نَاحِيَةِ الْقَوْمِ فَمَسَحَ رَأْسَهُ وَأَقْعَدَهُ عَلَى فَخِذِهِ الْيُمْنَى قَالَ: فَلَبِثَ قَلِيلًا فَجَاءَتِ ابْنَةٌ لَهُ حَتَّى انْتَهَتْ إِلَيْهِ فَمَسَحَ رَأْسَهَا وَأَقْعَدَهَا فِي الْأَرْضِ فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «فَهَلَّا عَلَى فَخِذِكَ الْأُخْرَى» فَحَمَلَهَا عَلَى فَخِذِهِ الْأُخْرَى فَقَالَ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «الْآنَ عَدَلْتَ»
["العيال"؛ لابن أبي الدنيا (1/ 173)، رقم (36)]
Ibn Abi Dunyah mentioned: Ishaq ibn Ibrahim narrated to us, Yazid ibn Harun informed us, Abu al-Ashhab narrated to us,
al-Hasan said: While the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) was speaking to his companions, a boy came and approached his father, who was sitting among the people. The father rubbed his head and seated him on his right thigh. He remained there for a while, then his daughter came and approached him. He rubbed her head and seated her on the ground.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "Why not on your other thigh?" So, the father placed her on his other thigh. The Prophet (ﷺ) then said: "Now you have done justice."
[Al-'Iyal - Ibn Abi Dunyah - Volume 1 - Page 177]
Even in something as small as this, the Prophet (ﷺ) still upheld justice. So, what would he say if he were alive today? Seeing parents misuse verses to manipulate their children into compliance while horribly abusing them on a daily basis.
By Allah, he (ﷺ) would be the first to say that such children should be taken away from their abusive parents and placed in a safe environment, free from abuse and torture.
حدثنا هارون بن عمر الدمشقي قال، حدثنا عبد الله بن كريم قال، حدثنا أبو الفتح، عن حبيب بن أبي مرزوق قال: دخل عثمان بن عفان رضي الله عنه على غلام له يعلف ناقة، فرأى في علفها ما كره، فأخذ بأذن غلامه فعركها، ثم ندم فقال لغلامه:
اقتص. فأبى الغلام، فلم يدعه حتى أخذ بأذنه فجعل يعركها، فقال له عثمان: شد حتى ظن أنه قد بلغ منه مثل ما بلغ منه، ثم قال عثمان رضي الله عنه: واها لقصاص قبل قصاص الآخرة.
Habib ibn Abi Marzouq reported:
"Uthman ibn Affan, may Allah be pleased with him, entered his house and saw his servant playing in a camel's food bowl. Uthman took his ear and twisted it, but later he regretted what he did. Uthman ibn Affan said to his servant, "Take my ear and twist it." Uthman forced him to do it and told him to pull harder and harder, until he thought that what was done to himself was the same as what he did to his servant. Uthman then said: 'How easy is retribution in the world instead of retribution in the Hereafter!'"
[Tarikh al-Madinah 1018 from 'Umar ibn Shabbah, al-Ahwal #255 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]
Uthman ibn Affan, the companion of the Prophet, recognized when he had acted unjustly toward his servant. He did not follow his pride; instead, he humbled himself in a remarkable way. He allowed the servant to do to him what he had done in excess, as a form of retribution for crossing the boundary.
An abusive parent will never consider this. They will not humble themselves, nor will they ever seek retribution for their wrongdoings. This reveals their cowardice.
١٥٢ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ الْحَسَنِ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ بَكْرٍ السَّهْمِيُّ، حَدَّثَنِي صَاحِبٌ لَنَا يُكَنَّى أَبَا وَاثِلَةَ , أَنَّ مُعَاوِيَةَ دَخَلَتْهُ مَوْجِدَةٌ عَلَى ابْنِهِ يَزِيدَ فَأَرِقَ لِذَلِكَ لَيْلَتَهُ فَلَمَّا أَصْبَحَ بَعَثَ إِلَى الْأَحْنَفِ بْنِ قَيْسٍ فَأَتَاهُ فَلَمَّا دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ قَالَ لَهُ: يَا أَبَا بَحْرٍ، كَيْفَ رِضَاكَ عَلَى وَلَدِكَ؟ وَمَا تَقُولُ فِي الْوَلَدِ؟ قَالَ: فَقُلْتُ فِي نَفْسِي: مَا سَأَلَنِي أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَنْ هَذِهِ إِلَّا لِمَوْجِدَةٍ دَخَلَتْهُ عَلَى يَزِيدَ فَحَضَرَنِي كَلَامٌ لَوْ كُنْتُ زَوَّقْتُ فِيهِ سَنَةً لَكُنْتُ قَدْ أَجَدْتُ فَقُلْتُ: «يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ هُمْ ثِمَارُ قُلُوبِنَا وَعِمَادُ ظُهُورِنَا وَنَحْنُ لَهُمْ أَرْضٌ ذَلِيلَةٌ وَسَمَاءٌ ظَلِيلَةٌ وَبِهِمْ نَصُولُ إِلَى كُلِّ جَلِيلَةٍ فَإِنْ غَضِبُوا يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ فَأَرْضِهِمْ وَإِنْ طَلَبُوكَ فَأَعْطِهِمْ يُمْحِضُوكَ وُدَّهُمْ وَيَلْطُفُونَ ⦗٣٠٩⦘ جُهْدَهُمْ وَلَا تَكُنْ عَلَيْهِمْ ثَقِلًا لَا تُعْطِيهِمْ إِلَّا نَزْرًا فَيَمَلُّوا حَيَاتَكَ وَيَكْرَهُوا قُرْبَكَ»
Mu'awiyyah was angry with his son Yazid, so Ahnaf ibn Qays advised him:
"O leader of the believers, they (children) are the fruits of our hearts and the pillars of our presence, and we are an easy land and a cool air for them, and through them we attain every greatness. When they are angry, forgive them, and if they ask for something from you, give them, for it makes them grateful and gentle towards you. Do not be heavy on them, nor give them just a little, so that they will not begin to resent your life and your nearness."
[Al-'Iyal 1/308 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]
Here, we see the approach of the Sahaba towards children. They did not view them as mere objects or possessions. Instead, they recognized their rights and honored them.
Every parent will eventually be angered by their child, as no one is perfect. What matters is the actions taken after that anger. The true test is: will you cross the boundaries, or will you uphold justice?
Even if one falls into committing injustice, it is the act of correcting it that truly defines a person.
Abusive parents misusing Islam
It does not take long for a person to understand that those verses and hadiths used by abusive parents are placed out of context.
If one were to say that those verses and hadiths also include abusive parents, then that would be a huge insult to Allah. It requires one to say that Allah would be acting unjustly towards the victims of parental abuse.
Instructing a victim of parental abuse to stay with their abuser indicates the following:
- That the victim is not permitted to protect oneself from injustice.
- That the victim has to deal with injustice and be silent.
- That the abuser can get away for being abusive.
- That Allah grants a high status to parents who are oppressors.
- That Allah is unjust.
Anyone who believes Allah is unjust has left the fold of Islam. So, what remains but ignorance or knowingly rebelling due to one's desires?
Allah praises parents in the Quran, but also through the Prophet (ﷺ). Let's look at some examples that are often misinterpreted by abusive parents and their enablers.
۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا
For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]
This verse is probably the most beloved to abusive parents, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.
How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.
This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children in any way. They are honored and respected, and this is the instruction to the believers who have such parents.
If one were to say that this also applies to abusive parents, then he would be in the wrong, awfully wrong.
وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا
And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]
This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.
Abusive parents do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his parents even if they physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve in that case!?
وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]
Al-Tabari said:
As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them."
[Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]
Al-Tabari continued on saying:
كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]
Al-Tabari said:
Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah:
"And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'"
This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance.
It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him."
[Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]
The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to merciful parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect.
If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.
Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ
And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]
Some abusive mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.
This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A devoted mother endures hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.
Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]
Allah says that the people are ordered to honour their parents. Of course, this does not include abusive parents, because what honour do such people deserve!?
Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.
The believers are ordered to honour their (good) parents, even if they were to order to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ " الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ. قَالَ " ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ " الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ". فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي.
Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more.
[Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]
To be good and dutiful to one's parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is thus ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.
An oppressor and tyrannical parent does not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of people.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ " الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ. قَالَ " ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ". قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ " الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ". فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي.
Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father. "
[Sahih Bukhari 5971]
This is a valuable Hadith emphasizing the importance of the mother in Islam. The mother, who carries the child for 9 months and breastfeeds them for 2 years. The mother, who is always there for her child, providing the best care she can. This is the good mother, filled with compassion and love in her heart.
Then there is the abusive mother, who often repeats "Ummuka, ummuka, ummuka", trying to manipulate her children into compliance, regardless of her unjust behavior and oppression. This is the mother who has no goodness, lacking gentleness and love. She does not deserve to have the child, as she continues to break every boundary.
حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ " نَعَمْ ". قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا {لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ}
Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8)
[Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]
Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever. This is how a Muslim should be, just and fair.
However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.
It shows that parents do not always deserve to have close relationship with. There are conditions that need to be met. They should not fight you actively because of your religion and cause you to compromise. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, so this can be a reason to not be as close to them.
So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, and psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and making your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.
Abusive parents: those who do not deserve respect
It is clear to anyone who has read this article that the idea of abusive parents being given a high status is entirely false, horribly false.
Allah praises those who do good, and He grants them a great status for it. This is despite one's belief, as we see in His command to be kind to disbelieving parents, to treat them justly, and to obey them in what is good.
Islam condemns abuse in all its forms. Injustice is something every Muslim must avoid and speak out against. This is an act of bravery, and only those who are willing to face the consequences can accomplish it.
In most cases, abusive parents are either narcissistic, borderline, psychopathic, or a mixture of all three. Narcissistic fathers tend to be more controlling while narcissistic mothers more derogatory.
Speak the truth and be just, even if it goes against yourself, your parents, or close relatives.
The coward is the one who sees injustice, enables it, and allows it to continue, handing over his Muslim brother to an oppressor. Such a person is part of the abuse and deserves no honour either.
۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا
O believers! Stand firm for justice as witnesses for Allah even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or close relatives. Be they rich or poor, Allah is best to ensure their interests. So do not let your desires cause you to deviate ˹from justice˺. If you distort the testimony or refuse to give it, then ˹know that˺ Allah is certainly All-Aware of what you do.
[4:135 Quran]
Get supported and validated
In a world that gaslights victims of parental abuse, it is even more important to feel heard and validated. You know your story and experience best, and no one can take that away from you.
The internal chaos that leads to mental exhaustion and emotional turmoil does not disappear on its own.
Yes, with Allah's help, there will be ease, but one must actively work towards healing for things to change.
We are here for you, offering Islamic counseling services to help guide you through the healing process from parental abuse. You are welcome to join, alongside many who already have.