Abusive parents

• Sexual abuse: The parent has forced intercourse with his child or teenager
• Severe abandonment: The parent abandoned their child for years, without ever reaching out or contacting their child.
• Physical torture: The parent physically abuses their child repeatedly in extreme ways, using tools such as belts, chairs, or by throwing objects, often leaving behind serious injuries.
• Severe emotional neglect: The parent is emotionally detached and ignores their child's presence or needs for love, support, and encouragement for months or even years. They show no care for the child, speaking to them only when they're in need of something.
• Severe verbal abuse: The parent says extremely hurtful things to their child, destroying the child’s sense of self and self-worth, with statements such as “You should not have been born,” “I just hope you were dead,” “I should have aborted you; you're nothing but a curse,” “The only reason you're still alive is because I haven't snapped yet,” and “You're a stain on this family; I don’t even want to claim you.”
• Severe betrayal: The parent is just using the child as a tool for sadistic pleasure or worldly gains. For example: Demanding money even when there is no real need for it, bullying the child in public, sharing the victim's deepest secrets, excessively punishing and degrading the child, or failing to protect the child from getting abused by the other parent.

• Being told you are worthless
• Scolded with foul words and bad name-calling
• Being silent even when your soul is screaming for change
• Having to meet your parent's needs while yours get neglected
• Being made the doormat of the family

1. Encouraging change through kindness: Begin with gentle communication and sincere advice, hoping that compassion might soften their hearts and bring awareness to their behavior.
2. Demanding change through firmness: If kindness fails, set clear and respectful boundaries. Speak firmly and assertively about what you will no longer tolerate.
3. Separation: When abuse continues despite your efforts, distance yourself — emotionally, physically, or both. Islam allows you to protect yourself from ongoing harm.
4. Seek support: Turn to trusted people — such as community members, counselors, or scholars who understand justice — and seek help through prayer, therapy, or legal means if needed.

1. Encouraging change through kindness

Firstly, you should encourage your parents to change their behavior. This can be done by being extra kind to them. Buy your mother some flowers, help your father with groceries, and get him things he likes.

This way, you may change their attitude toward you. Speak soft words and give genuine compliments whenever you can.

Pray for them, so that they may change their behavior toward you. Show them you are well-intentioned and hope that they will find success both in this life and the next.

So basically, be extra kind to the point that they start reflecting on their actions toward you. Bear in mind that not all parents will change because of your kindness. Rather, many may take it as a weakness and abuse you further, as they believe kindness means you will allow them to walk all over you.

However, kindness is pure, and Allah loves purity. He encourages us to be kind whenever we can and to be respectful in our behavior.

Kindness should not be confused with having no boundaries or being a pushover. It should be coupled with strong boundaries, or else people could take advantage of you.

2. Demanding change through firmness

The next step would be to be firm and demand change from your parents. This can be done in multiple ways.

At this stage, you should clearly communicate your complaints about their behavior toward you. This should be done in a respectful way, so that they do not feel attacked.

Involve the local Imam and share your story with him. He may speak with your parents about their abusive behavior, which could induce change in them.

لا يحب الله الجهر بالسوء من القول إلا من ظلم Allah does not like negative thoughts to be voiced—except by those who have been wronged. Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
[4:148 Quran]

When it comes to your health and well-being, you should protect them at all costs. These are your most precious possessions. You have the right Islamically to protect yourself, even against your own parents. Ignore the advice of "staying patient"—instead, take action and strive toward a better situation for yourself.

Another way to demand change is to send them Islamic reminders warning them about their abusive behavior.

If they do not listen or change their ways, then you can make life a bit easier by engaging in hobbies, journaling, spending time with friends, and so on. This will temporarily distract you from the discomfort your abusive parents are causing.

It can also create space for you to plan ahead and think of ways to get yourself into a safer environment.

3. Separation

When the topic of separation comes up, a common thought arises: “Will Allah hate me for distancing myself from my parents?”

Let’s take a closer look at this. If Allah were to hate you for separating from abusive parents, that would imply your well-being doesn’t matter, and that you should continue to suffer simply because they are your parents.

But we know that Allah is the Most Just and the Most Compassionate. It wouldn’t be fitting for Him to be displeased with you for protecting yourself and maintaining your well-being by distancing yourself from abuse.

In fact, Allah encourages separation when staying in a harmful situation damages your well-being. The Prophet (ﷺ) himself was commanded by Allah to migrate from Mecca to Madinah because he was being persecuted by Quraysh. This shows that Allah truly cares about our safety and well-being.

Abusive parents often harm their children in a constant and painful way. So wouldn’t it be fair for those children to have the chance to “migrate” too?

That’s exactly what Allah wants — so that you can protect yourself from mistreatment and separate when doing so keeps you safe.

4. Seek support

Distancing yourself from your parents might be the biggest trial in life. It is very devastating to one’s sense of self-worth.

That is why support becomes essential in cases like this. Seek support from close friends, trusted individuals, and counselors.

We are here to help you go through this big trial, support you along the way, and guide you through Islamic counseling.

You do not need to go through this alone—but it is entirely up to you how you would like to face this journey.

Safeguarding yourself from your parents might make you feel guilty for going against them, but know that Allah is the Most Just. He would never command you to remain in an abusive environment—doing so would be dishonoring and cruel.

Never forget the power of du‘a, especially when you place your trust in Allah. Many things can change for the better through His help.

However, we should not rely on du‘a alone without taking action. That is not how Allah brings about change. True change begins when we take the first step toward it.

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]

This verse is probably the most beloved to abusive parents, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.

How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.

This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children in any way. They are honored and respected, and this is the instruction to the believers who have such parents.

If one were to say that this also applies to abusive parents, then he would be in the wrong, awfully wrong.

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]

This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.

Abusive parents do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his parents even if they physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve in that case!?

وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

Al-Tabari continued on saying:

كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah: "And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'" This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance. It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (ﷺ) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to merciful parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect.

If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.

Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]

Some abusive mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.

This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A devoted mother endures hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.

Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]

Allah says that the people are ordered to honour their parents. Of course, this does not include abusive parents, because what honour do such people deserve!?

Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.

The believers are ordered to honour their (good) parents, even if they were to order to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more. [Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]

To be good and dutiful to one's parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is thus ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.

An oppressor and tyrannical parent does not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of people.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father. " [Sahih Bukhari 5971]

This is a valuable Hadith emphasizing the importance of the mother in Islam. The mother, who carries the child for 9 months and breastfeeds them for 2 years. The mother, who is always there for her child, providing the best care she can. This is the good mother, filled with compassion and love in her heart.

Then there is the abusive mother, who often repeats "Ummuka, ummuka, ummuka", trying to manipulate her children into compliance, regardless of her unjust behavior and oppression. This is the mother who has no goodness, lacking gentleness and love. She does not deserve to have the child, as she continues to break every boundary.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ ‏"‏ نَعَمْ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا ‏{‏لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ‏}‏ Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8) [Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]

Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever. This is how a Muslim should be, just and fair.

However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.

It shows that parents do not always deserve to have close relationship with. There are conditions that need to be met. They should not fight you actively because of your religion and cause you to compromise. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, so this can be a reason to not be as close to them.

So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, and psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and making your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.

When cowardice takes over

There is no excuse for imams and scholars who are aware of this issue yet remain silent. Their silence cannot be justified — it stems from fear, complacency, or misplaced priorities.

It has become clear that many choose not to address this topic, viewing it as “dangerous” because it may lead to confrontation or backlash within their communities.

Some scholars do address this issue, but don't make it a consistent priority.

They may acknowledge the need for distance from physically or sexually abusive parents, yet remain silent about emotional or verbal abuse — despite its equally damaging impact.

They also fail to tell victims that going no contact isn't blameworthy when the victim's honor, well-being, or trust has been shattered. Instead, they just say: “Parents must be honored at all times, so you may keep a distance, but you can't cut ties with them,” ignoring the nuance and justice that Islam calls for.