Abusive parents in Islam | Fitrah Tawheed

When are parents abusive?

Parents have a huge responsibility in Islam. Their job is to raise their children in the best way possible. The rights of children must be fulfilled, without any exception.

Unfortunately, not every parent is able to treat their children well. For example, there are parents who abuse children sexually, physically, mentally or emotionally.

Islam is a religion that stands for purity and justice. Children who grow up with abuse will experience great struggle later in life.

Abusive parents curse their children, beat them harshly, neglect them emotionally and violate them sexually. Such parents greatly damage your health, wellbeing, sanity and quality of life. In short, they make your life miserable.

Contents
  1. Islam and Abusive Parents
  2. How to Deal with Abusive Parents
  3. The Damage Caused by Abusive Parents

Islam and Abusive Parents

Abuse can manifest in various forms: physical, sexual, spiritual, financial, emotional, and psychological.

So, what is the exact status of such parents according to Islam? Allah has elevated the status of parents, but what about those who are oppressive and toxic?

Is their abuse and oppression overlooked simply because they are parents? No, as that would be unjust towards victims of parental abuse.

Islam rejects oppression and abuse. Allah, being the Most Just, does not give great status to abusive and oppressive parents.

In reality, Allah does not hold such parents in high regard at all.

And do not think that Allah is unaware of what the oppressors do. He only gives them respite until the Day when the eyes will stare in horror.
[14:42 Quran]

Allah would not be the Most Just if He overlooked the abuse and complete destruction caused by such parents to their children.

Whoever does good, it is to their own advantage. And whoever does evil, it is to their own loss. Your Lord is never unjust to His creation.
[Surah Fussilat verse 46]

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Allah the Almighty said: O My servants, I have forbidden injustice to Myself and I have forbidden it among you, so do not oppress one another." [Sahih Muslim 2577]

Allah does not like the wrongdoers.
[3:140 Quran]

So Allah views these parents as oppressors and wrongdoers. They take their power and misuse it to cause others harm whom they have responsibility over.

Allah is displeased with parents who abuse their children, whether it is financially or emotionally.

Now that we have established that Allah is against such parents, what will be their punishment? Will they be punished at all?

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “Those who will be inhabitants of hellfire are: the miser, the liar, those who are in the habit of abusing people and using obscene and foul language.” [Sahih Muslim 2865a]

Sa'eed ibn Jubayr (Tabi'i) said: "As for the person who oppresses his son or brother, Allah will not let such a person go unnoticed." [Musnad Ibn Mubarak 178]

أخبرنا أبو القاسم علي بن إبراهيم أنا رشأ بن نظيف أنا الحسن بن إسماعيل أنا أحمد بن مروان نا عمران بن موسى الجزري نا عيسى بن سليمان عن ضمرة قال كتب عمر بن عبد العزيز إلى بعض عماله أما بعد فإذا دعتك قدرتك على الناس إلى ظلمهم فاذكر قدرة الله تعالى عليك ونفاذ ما تأتي إليهم وبقاء ما يأتون إليك
[تاريخ مدينة دمشق - ج ٤٥ - الصفحة ٢٠٢] 'Umar ibn 'Abdul-Aziz (Atba Tabi'i) warned: "If your power ever calls you to oppress others, then know the power of Allah over you!" [Tarikh Madinah wa Dimashq 45/202]

Not even a single minor form of injustice or abuse will be overlooked by Allah, so how can major forms of injustice ever be overlooked?

حدثنا هارون بن عمر الدمشقي قال، حدثنا عبد الله بن كريم قال، حدثنا أبو الفتح، عن حبيب بن أبي مرزوق قال: دخل عثمان بن عفان رضي الله عنه على غلام له يعلف ناقة، فرأى في علفها ما كره، فأخذ بأذن غلامه فعركها، ثم ندم فقال لغلامه: اقتص. فأبى الغلام، فلم يدعه حتى أخذ بأذنه فجعل يعركها، فقال له عثمان: شد حتى ظن أنه قد بلغ منه مثل ما بلغ منه، ثم قال عثمان رضي الله عنه: واها لقصاص قبل قصاص الآخرة.

Habib ibn Abi Marzouq reported: "Uthman ibn Affan, may Allah be pleased with him, entered his house and saw his servant playing in a camel's food bowl. Uthman took his ear and twisted it, but later he regretted what he did. Uthman ibn Affan said to his servant, "Take my ear and twist it." Uthman forced him to do it and told him to pull harder and harder, until he thought that what was done to himself was the same as what he did to his servant. Uthman then said: 'How easy is retribution in the world instead of retribution in the Hereafter!'" [Tarikh al-Madinah 1018 from 'Umar ibn Shabbah, al-Ahwal #255 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]

Here we see how mindful the companion Uthman ibn 'Affan handled the situation. Instead of having a big ego (like many parents have), he chose to be humbled by his own servant by having his ear twisted in the same manner he did.

This exemplifies the piety of the companions; when they made a mistake, they corrected it out of fear of Allah.

It is impossible for such parents to be overlooked for the wrong they have caused their children. They will face punishment in the Hellfire, which is inevitable and from which there is no escape.

Of course, sometimes Allah also punishes people during their earthly lives. For example, He may take away their wealth, cause social embarrassment, or inflict severe illness upon them as punishment for what they have done to their children.

Take, for example, one of the punishments Allah inflicted on Pharaoh and his people when they suffered from drought in their time of need:

We inflicted years of drought and crop failure on Pharaoh’s people, so that they might take heed.
[3:140 Quran]

Some parents are punished by isolation and crippling shame, for the things they used to do to their children. Such is the justice of Allah, that He punishes those parents in ways they deserve to be punished.

Therefore, there is no escape for abusive parents. Allah is the Most Just, and He will punish them whenever and however He wills.

It would not be wise to remain with an abusive parent and prevent them from receiving their full punishment. By staying with them, you could also be subject to their punishment, which would be very difficult for you.

Allah advises you to protect yourself from harm, and staying with an abusive parent only allows harm to affect you.

Spend in the cause of Allah and do not let your own hands throw you into destruction ˹by withholding˺. And do good, for Allah certainly loves the good-doers.
[2:195 Quran]

If you truly seek justice, staying with an abusive parent is not advisable. It not only hinders you from achieving full justice but also exposes you to further harm from the parent.

Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change themselves. This means you cannot expect change while remaining with an abusive parent.

Allah would never change a people’s state until they change their own state.
[13:11 Quran]

If you cannot leave the abusive parent because you are underage and dependent on them, find ways to reduce your dependency. For example, you can inform government services about the abuse or seek assistance to move out through education.

How to Deal with Abusive Parents

Abusive parents drain a lot of energy from their children. The child often feels tired in their presence, making it quite a challenge to deal with them daily.

It is helpful to know that there are effective ways to deal with an abusive parent. These techniques can help prevent additional burnout, high stress levels, and fatigue.

1. Minimize Contact

Children often try to reduce contact with their abusive parent as an automatic strategy to avoid potential harm.

Reducing contact with an abusive parent is challenging because you cannot always escape them daily.

When you notice your health is declining, it is crucial to protect yourself from further damage.

Give them short responses and avoid reaching out unless in an emergency. If you live with this parent, spend as much time as possible with people who appreciate and respect you. Reach out to friends, other family members, or schoolmates.

Minimizing contact is intended as a temporary solution. This technique is ineffective in the long run because it will eventually tire you out.

2. Study Your Abusive Parent

You can avoid potential problems by studying your parent. For example, identify times when this parent is most irritable and avoid them during these moments.

Your parent may have psychological problems that worsen their behavior. If this is the case, try to understand what these psychological problems are and what disorders they may have.

Many parents who display bad behavior and disrespect their children suffer from personality disorders such as narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or psychopathic tendencies.

If you strongly suspect that your parent is a narcissist, it is worthless to hope for a change in their behavior since narcissism typically prevents the possibility of change.

Realizing that your parent is the problem, not you, will provide some relief.

3. The Realization

Eventually, you may reach a point where you acknowledge that your parent has behaved unacceptably. You also let go of the hope that they will change, knowing the type of person they are.

If you are completely tired of being mistreated, abused, or harmed, it is time to distance yourself. You understand that what was done to you is unacceptable and that nothing can make up for it.

There are boundaries in Islam too, and no parent can cross them. If they are causing you significant damage, leading to a decline in your health, it is time to step back and protect yourself.

This is one of the most difficult stages in dealing with abusive parents because you must accept the reality of their unacceptable behavior.

4. Walk Away

Dealing with a toxic parent is very hard. They are manipulative and try to suck you into their lives even when you do not want that.

Any hint of you leaving or protecting your boundaries will likely be disrespected by your parent. This means you cannot establish firm boundaries with them, as they will eventually cross them.

So how do you deal with them? Should you block them or just maintain some distance?

It depends on the specific parent you are dealing with, which is why it is crucial to understand who you are dealing with.

Ultimately, it is up to you whether you want to maintain some distance from the parent or cut them off completely.

Both approaches can be justified based on how the parent treated you. If the parent traumatized you to the point of feeling disgusted in their presence, cutting off contact might be the better option. This prevents direct or indirect contact with the parent, protecting you from further pain and suffering.

You embrace the reality of your abusive parents and start taking steps to distance yourself. From an Islamic perspective, this is your right when you are being abused. Allah does not require anyone to stay in oppression. You have the right to distance yourself from oppressive and abusive parents.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others." [Sahih al-Bukhari 2444]

By maintaining a healthy distance from the oppressor, you will actually be doing the right thing for both your health and from an Islamic perspective.

Just maintaining a distance from your abusive parent can be helpful if the parent did not traumatize you but is preventing you from living your life.

Such a parent may exhibit borderline features, preventing the separation needed for you to become an individual.

The borderline parent will intrude on your personal boundaries and try to shame you for becoming an individual.

How to Maintain Distance

Maintaining distance means separating from the parent physically by moving out, but it also includes some communication separation.

To successfully maintain distance from your abusive parent, you would need to live separately and not share your address with them.

Another crucial factor for successful distance is to reduce contact frequency. Do not contact them as often as you used to or as often as they expect you to.

In this stage, respecting your boundaries will be the real test: how much do you want to protect yourself from the abuse.

The parent may become sad due to the separation, but it is necessary for maintaining your health and overall well-being.

When your abusive parent prevents you from becoming your own person, you must establish boundaries by force, not by seeking their approval, as you will never receive it.

How to Cut Off Contact

If you are truly done with your abusive parent, what good does it do to reach out to them again? This will only invalidate your hurt and experience after the abuse.

Not everyone deserves a second chance. A person who abused you greatly to the point of making you feel disgusted about yourself does not deserve to have you in their life any longer.

Going no contact means blocking their social media, email, telephone number, and moving out to live separately without sharing your new address.

Extra tips on Dealing with Abusive Parents

It is and remains difficult to deal with such people. Of course, you want the abuse to stop and to be treated with respect and love by your parents. Unfortunately, that is not always possible with every parent.

Bring some ease into your life by engaging in hobbies, seeking joy and relaxation, or interacting with people who appreciate and respect you.

Make supplications and ask Allah for relief and a way out of your current situation. He will certainly answer you if you do this out of sincere intention.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no veil between them and Allah." [Sahih Bukhari 4347]

It can be helpful to share your experience and situation with someone else who is trusted and able to help you.

In addition, we are available to hear your story and experience. Our Islamic counseling service strives to provide you with relief.

The Damage Caused by Abusive Parents

Abusive parents can harm many aspects of your life. For example, they can affect your self-esteem, your ability to trust others, and your overall health.

Living with an abusive parent causes numerous problems. You may develop eating disorders or addictions to cope with the stress and discomfort.

Having an abusive parent damages your wellbeing. You might start to experience depression, anxiety, or even paranoia. You lose interest in activities you once enjoyed and adopt a negative view of the world around you.

The damage is so significant because a parent is the most important person in your life. They shape your understanding of the world and how you interact with others.

Parents serve as your role models. When they are abusive, they send the message that the world is unsafe and that you should distrust people.

All these types of harm caused by an abusive parent make life much harder. You may also develop a sleep disorder, such as insomnia, because your system is too stressed to rest properly.

Anger Towards Your Abusive Parent

It is common for victims of parental abuse to develop anger and resentment towards their abusers.

This is a healthy human response when someone crosses your personal boundaries. It would be very odd to feel happy when someone throws a rock at you, for example. The automatic response is anger, which serves as a protective mechanism to ward off harm.

Because your parent is abusive, you react with anger and resentment. Your protective system responds this way because you feel hurt and mistreated.

Advice for Preventing Resentment in Children

The great Sahabi Mu'awiyyah once became angry with his son, so Ahnaf ibn Qays, another Sahabi, advised Muawiyyah to be gentle with his son, and to show him compassion, and to not burden him with what he cannot bear.

This was advice given to Muawiyyah regarding treatment of his son, in order to revent anger and resentment from developing.

١٥٢ - حَدَّثَنَا الْحُسَيْنُ بْنُ الْحَسَنِ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ بَكْرٍ السَّهْمِيُّ، حَدَّثَنِي صَاحِبٌ لَنَا يُكَنَّى أَبَا وَاثِلَةَ , أَنَّ مُعَاوِيَةَ دَخَلَتْهُ مَوْجِدَةٌ عَلَى ابْنِهِ يَزِيدَ فَأَرِقَ لِذَلِكَ لَيْلَتَهُ فَلَمَّا أَصْبَحَ بَعَثَ إِلَى الْأَحْنَفِ بْنِ قَيْسٍ فَأَتَاهُ فَلَمَّا دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ قَالَ لَهُ: يَا أَبَا بَحْرٍ، كَيْفَ رِضَاكَ عَلَى وَلَدِكَ؟ وَمَا تَقُولُ فِي الْوَلَدِ؟ قَالَ: فَقُلْتُ فِي نَفْسِي: مَا سَأَلَنِي أَمِيرُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَنْ هَذِهِ إِلَّا لِمَوْجِدَةٍ دَخَلَتْهُ عَلَى يَزِيدَ فَحَضَرَنِي كَلَامٌ لَوْ كُنْتُ زَوَّقْتُ فِيهِ سَنَةً لَكُنْتُ قَدْ أَجَدْتُ فَقُلْتُ: «يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ هُمْ ثِمَارُ قُلُوبِنَا وَعِمَادُ ظُهُورِنَا وَنَحْنُ لَهُمْ أَرْضٌ ذَلِيلَةٌ وَسَمَاءٌ ظَلِيلَةٌ وَبِهِمْ نَصُولُ إِلَى كُلِّ جَلِيلَةٍ فَإِنْ غَضِبُوا يَا أَمِيرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ فَأَرْضِهِمْ وَإِنْ طَلَبُوكَ فَأَعْطِهِمْ يُمْحِضُوكَ وُدَّهُمْ وَيَلْطُفُونَ ⦗٣٠٩⦘ جُهْدَهُمْ وَلَا تَكُنْ عَلَيْهِمْ ثَقِلًا لَا تُعْطِيهِمْ إِلَّا نَزْرًا فَيَمَلُّوا حَيَاتَكَ وَيَكْرَهُوا قُرْبَكَ»

Mu'awiyyah was angry with his son Yazid, so Ahnaf ibn Qays advised him: "O leader of the believers, they (children) are the fruits of our hearts and the pillars of our presence, and we are an easy land and a cool air for them, and through them we attain every greatness. When they are angry, forgive them, and if they ask for something from you, give them, for it makes them grateful and gentle towards you. Do not be heavy on them, nor give them just a little, so that they will not begin to resent your life and your nearness." [Al-'Iyal 1/308 from Ibn Abi Dunyah]

Parents should show compassion and gentleness to their children to prevent anger and resentment from developing. But sadly, many parents do not follow this advice, which leads to many health and social problems in the world.

Dealing with the Stress and Hurt

It is important to care for yourself after experiencing hurt or stress. You may feel isolated, as if there is no one to talk to or who understands your situation.

So how do you deal with the ignorance around parental abuse and with people who take the side of your parents or even blame you for the abuse you are experiencing?

Try finding articles or videos online that give you a sense of being understood. You could also try our Islamic counseling service, where you can express yourself safely and receive advice and guidance from professional Islamic counselors through the lens of Islam.

Share your experience

Do you have something valuable to share with others? Feel free to share your story, like Laylah was able to do.

If your story resonates with many others who are dealing with abusive parents, then we will publish it on our website, and many people will be inspired by your story.

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