Dealing with sadness

"Why me?"

In grief, that thought often automatically comes to mind, even if you try to stop it. It is a thought that tries to come up with a logical or reasonable explanation to why you are in pain.

Allah tests anyone with a calamity or difficulty that causes grief. In reality, He wants the best for the people. He expresses this in several verses of the Quran.

Allah wishes for you ease and He does not wish for you inconvenience.
[2:185 Quran]

Allah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man is created weak.
[4:28 Quran]

1. Find out the cause

First of all, it is important to determine the cause of your sadness. These can be different things.

The cause of your sadness determines the intensity, which makes your sadness deeper and more intense.

Addressing the cause will provide you with a lot of clarity. That way you can approach it more precisely. Distress is an emotional response to a stressful event. Each person experiences an event differently.

2. Give space to your sadness

The next step is to give yourself the space to experience your sadness. It is good that you express your sadness and give it the space it deserves.

In order to give space to your sadness, it is sometimes necessary to take a break from daily tasks. That way you give yourself the time and space to experience your sadness.

Experiencing sadness is part of the release from pain you carry. You reduce the negative energy and stress in your body.

By experiencing your sadness you open the doors to let the event have less effect on you. You no longer carry as much pain as the person who ignores his or her sadness.

Extra: Talk to Trustees

A natural action is that when we are sad we tend to share it with people we trust. It helps a lot to share your story with someone else. Expressing what bothers you is relieving, as it reduces stress and pain.

Our Islamic counselling helps people who struggle with mild or major depression to heal and start living a fulfilling life.

The understanding and compassion that the trusted person then offers you ensures that you integrate that same approach for yourself. And that is the next step: compassion for yourself.

3. Compassion for Restoration

We often tend to judge ourselves after experiencing a negative event. This often comes automatically, but with a negative consequence. When you judge yourself, you open the doors to unnecessary guilt or criticism.

What compassion does is it looks at your situation without judgement. It is a neutral view that removes unnecessary criticism or guilt.

The fact is that we are not always in control of what we experience. For example, you cannot do anything about it if you have lost a loved one or if you have been wronged by someone.

When you did have some control

Of course there are also situations where you had the opportunity to change something. Think, for example, of failing school or being fired. We have some control over that, but if it happened unjustly, we do not. Then it is a matter of acceptance that injustice has been done.

We sometimes tend to criticize ourselves more than necessary. This will quickly result in us interrupting the healing process.

The Purpose of Compassion

The purpose of offering compassion is not to put yourself down. We will not be able to control every outcome.

Sure, if you have wronged someone else, then you have to put the blame where it belongs (on yourself). You would then have to solve it with those you have wronged.

Year of Sorrow

This moment was a very difficult period in the life of the Prophet (ﷺ), also known as 'Aam al-Huzn (year of sorrow). He lost his first wife Khadija. She was the first person to believe in his prophethood.

Khadija supported the Prophet (ﷺ) in difficult times. She experienced it when the Prophet (ﷺ) first received revelation. Khadija was married to the Prophet (ﷺ) for 25 years. She died when the Prophet (ﷺ) turned fifty years old.

After the death of Khadija, Abu Talib: the beloved uncle of the Prophet (ﷺ). Abu Talib held an honored position among the people of Quraysh.

His position gave him power to protect his nephew Mohammed from his opponents. The Prophet (ﷺ) lost this protection when Abu Talib died, and he never converted to Islam.

Khadija and Abu Talib died in the same year. After Khadija's death, several difficulties followed. She offered the Prophet comfort and help in his prophethood. With the death of Abu Talib, he lost support in his personal life and protection from Quraysh. Abu Talib's death was about three years before the Prophet emigrated to Madinah. During that time, Quraysh seized the opportunity to harm the Prophet. A man of the Quraysh threw earth on the head of the Prophet (ﷺ). He returned to his house where he met his daughter. She wept as she removed the earth from the head of the Prophet (ﷺ), whereupon the Prophet (ﷺ) said: “Do not cry oh daughter of mine, Allah will protect your father. They (Quraysh) never had the courage to harm me until Abu Talib died." [Seerah of Ibn Hisham, "Death of Khadija and Abu Talib"]

Death of the Prophet's son

The Prophet (ﷺ) lost many of his children during his life. Of these children the son Ibrahim died.

We see in this story that the Prophet was also touched by trials. This proves his human nature and validates the experience of sadness in a Muslim's life.

Anas bin Malik reported: We went with the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) to the smith Abu Saif, and he was the husband of the nursing wife of Ibrahim (the son of the Prophet). Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him. Later we went back to Abu Saif's house and at that moment Ibrahim took his last breath, and the eyes of Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) started to shed tears. `Abdur Rahman bin `Auf said: "O Allah's Messenger, even you cry!" The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "O Ibn 'Auf, this is mercy." Then the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) wept more and said: "The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim! Indeed we are grieved by your separation." [Sahih al-Bukhari 1303]

Pause of revelation

During the prophethood of Muhammad (ﷺ), the revelation was temporarily paused. This happened for a while causing the Prophet (ﷺ) to become concerned and sad.

The disbelievers of Quraysh tried to bring him down at that time. Thus they said that Allah paused the revelation because He hated him.

The opponents tried everything to make the Prophet (ﷺ) sad. They said: "If this revelation really came from Allah, then it would be consecutive (without pausing), but Allah hates him and has forsaken him."

The Prophet (ﷺ) was saddened by the words of Quraysh and how they treated him. After this, the pause ended and Allah brought revelation again.

Ibn Ishaaq (Islamic historian) said: "Then the revelation stopped for a while, whereupon the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) became concerned and sad. Then Gabriel brought him Surat ad-Duha, in which his Lord, Who had so honored him, swore that He had not forgotten him, nor hated him." [Seerah Ibn Hisham (1/225)]