Narcissistic mother

1. Encouraging Change Through Kindness

It is important to give your mother a chance to change her behavior. This is the first step: trying to inspire her toward positive change.

Of course, this does not always succeed, as narcissistic mothers can often be stubborn and avoid taking responsibility.

Nevertheless, you can try to help your mother understand that her actions are hurting you, and that you hope she will adjust the way she treats you.

The key is to remain gentle and patient, giving her time to get used to a new experience: being held accountable for her behavior.

You can make her more receptive to your request through small gestures—giving her thoughtful gifts, spending meaningful time together, doing things for her, or other sincere acts.

Hopefully, this will encourage humility and a sense of responsibility in how she treats you. But keep in mind that kindness does not work with most narcissistic mothers.

2. Demanding Change Through Firmness

This step becomes necessary when kindness does not work. Your narcissistic mother may be too stubborn to change, even after gentle requests and efforts to soften her heart with kind actions.

If kindness fails, it can feel painful, as it requires you to take firmer measures to protect yourself.

Demanding change through firmness is an effective way to show that you are serious about your boundaries and well-being.

You demonstrate your seriousness by being clear about the consequences if she refuses to change. This may involve communicating, directly or indirectly, that you will no longer tolerate emotional or psychological abuse.

Consider involving a trusted Imam or counselor to remind your mother of her responsibilities and the importance of treating you with respect. You might also share resources—such as articles or videos—that explain the rights of children and the consequences before Allah for overstepping boundaries.

3. Separation

You are not wrong for choosing to distance yourself from your narcissistic mother, because you are doing so to preserve yourself and protect your well-being.

Allah is never unjust, so He would not prevent you from keeping a safe distance from your mother, especially when she repeatedly harms you and pushes you toward suicidal thoughts.

The idea that Allah would be angry with you for setting strong boundaries with your narcissistic mother is incorrect. Why would He be angry if distancing is the only way to protect yourself from her abuse?

Allah would not forbid you from protecting yourself from abuse, because He is the Most Just. Sometimes, distancing is the only viable option left. Otherwise, nothing would change except more abuse, causing further harm to you.

Distancing can be accompanied either by minimal contact or by completely cutting ties.

Minimal contact is appropriate if your mother has not traumatized you or severely betrayed your trust. In such cases, maintaining minimal contact, like calling her once a week or messaging every few days, is sufficient.

Cutting ties, also known as no contact, is justified only when she has abused you severely, to the point of causing suicidal thoughts. Anyone who reaches this stage naturally no longer wants to maintain contact, because trust has been completely broken.

Allah would never command someone to maintain ties with a person who has utterly destroyed them; that would be unfair and cruel to the victim.

4. Seek Support

Seeking support can be through different channels, like Islamic counseling for sharing your story, getting validated and receiving guidance, our Reddit community for Muslims who are raised by narcissistic parents, or through YouTube videos about narcissistic abuse.

Ask Allah to protect you and help you to escape the abusive environment.

عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honour your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘uff,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.
[17:23 Quran]

This verse is probably the most beloved by narcissistic mothers, as they use it to say that you must endure them because Allah says so.

How wrong, and how wicked. Their tongues do not deserve to even utter the beautiful words 'wa bil-walidayni ihsana', let alone use it to support their deception.

This verse addresses the parents in old age, who have brought up their children in honour and respect. Who did not violate their children. Such mothers would be honored and respected.

If one were to say that this verse also applies to narcissistic mothers, then he would be very mistaken, awfully mistaken.

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and pray, “My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.”
[17:24 Quran]

This verse applies to the Muslim parents. It means that the believer should be humble and obey his parents, and to be merciful with them. Just like they were merciful to him when he was young.

Narcissistic mothers do not raise their children with mercy, rather they abuse them from start to finish. Does one really think that Allah instructs the believer to be merciful with his narcissistic mother even if she physically tortured him as a young child? What mercy does such parent even deserve!?

وأما قوله ( وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) فإنه يقول: ادع الله لوالديك بالرحمة، وقل ربّ ارحمهما، وتعطف عليهما بمغفرتك ورحمتك، كما تعطفا عليّ في صغري، فرحماني وربياني صغيرا، حتى استقللت بنفسي، واستغنيت عنهما.
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: As for His saying: "And say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’"—it means: Pray to Allah for mercy upon your parents, and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them, and show kindness to them with Your forgiveness and mercy, just as they showed kindness to me in my childhood, had mercy on me, and raised me when I was small, until I became independent and no longer in need of them." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

Al-Tabari continued on saying:

كما حدثنا بشر، قال: ثنا يزيد، قال: ثنا سعيد، عن قتادة ( وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّي ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ) هكذا عُلِّمتم، وبهذا أمرتم، خذوا تعليم الله وأدبه، ذُكر لنا " أن نبيّ الله صلى الله عليه وسلم خرج ذات يوم وهو مادّ يديه رافع صوته يقول: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيهِ أوْ أحَدَهُما ثُمَّ دَخَلَ النَّارَ بَعْدَ ذلكَ فأبْعَدَهُ الله وأسْحَقَهُ".
[تفسير الطبري - سورة الإسراء - الآية ٢٤]

Al-Tabari said: Just like Bishr narrated to us, he said: Yazid narrated to us, he said: Sa'id narrated to us, from Qatadah: "And be humble with them (parents) out of mercy, and say, 'My Lord, be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young'" This is how you have been taught, and this is what you have been commanded. Take Allah's instruction and His guidance. It was mentioned to us that the Prophet of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) once went out, stretching out his hands and raising his voice, saying: "Whoever reaches his parents, or one of them, and then enters Hellfire after that, may Allah distance him and utterly ruin him." [Tafsir al-Tabari - Surah al-Israa - Verse 24]

The Salaf Saliheen understood such verses to refer to good parents—those who raised their children with honor and respect. Muslims should fulfill the rights of such parents.

If any Muslim has such parents, or even one of them, meaning they are present in his life, yet he still enters Hellfire despite that opportunity, then may Allah utterly ruin him. And we say 'Ameen' to that.

Such a person would have failed to seize the opportunity to enter Paradise through his good parents by treating them with kindness and respect, and in that case, he would deserve to be punished.

But as for narcissistic mothers, they do not deserve to be honoured in any way, as they have dishonored their children and abused them, crossing every boundary. And such mothers are humiliated, and they will be punished for what they have done.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.
[31:14 Quran]

Narcissistic mothers misuse this verse to justify their wrongdoing, but they are mistaken. Allah never supports oppression.

This verse calls for honoring one's good parents. A good mother endures great hardship in bearing her child, and good parents deserve gratitude for their sincere efforts and loving care. Being grateful to them is an expression of gratitude to Allah.

Whoever distorts this verse to justify wrongdoing is cursed by Allah. Such people have no goodness in their heart, as they imply that Allah is unjust.

حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا يَعْلَى بْنُ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ قَالَ‏:‏ رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ‏.‏

'Abdullah ibn 'Umar said, "The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 2]

Narcissistic mothers misuse this quote to justify their wrongdoing, manipulating their child into compliance, even when they do not deserve such obedience due to the abuse they inflict on their children.

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ We have commanded people to honour their parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, then do not obey them. To Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:14 Quran]

Allah orders the Muslims to honour their parents. And obviously, this does not include narcissistic mothers, because what honour do such people deserve!?

Oppressors are dishonoured by Allah, so how can this verse ever include oppressive parents? No one deserves honour if they strip away the honour of others.

The believers are ordered to honour their good parents, even if those parents were to order him to associate partners with Allah. Do not obey them in that, but obey them in the halal and good things they order.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abdullah ibn Mas'ud narrated: I asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), what is the best deed?" He replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is next in goodness?" He replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I further asked, what is next in goodness?" He replied, "To participate in Jihad in Allah's Cause." I did not ask Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) anymore and if I had asked him more, he would have told me more. [Sahih al-Bukhari 2782]

To be good and dutiful to one's parents is a deed among the best good deeds. A Muslim is ordered to make this a priority if he is blessed with parents who are good to him.

Oppressive and tyrannical mothers do not deserve to be treated with honour. They are dishonoured and criminals, violating the boundaries of their children.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ صَبَّاحٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ مِغْوَلٍ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْوَلِيدَ بْنَ الْعَيْزَارِ، ذَكَرَ عَنْ أَبِي عَمْرٍو الشَّيْبَانِيِّ، قَالَ قَالَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مَسْعُودٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ سَأَلْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَىُّ الْعَمَلِ أَفْضَلُ قَالَ ‏"‏ الصَّلاَةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ‏.‏ قَالَ ‏"‏ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ ‏"‏‏.‏ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَىٌّ قَالَ ‏"‏ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ ‏"‏‏.‏ فَسَكَتُّ عَنْ رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَلَوِ اسْتَزَدْتُهُ لَزَادَنِي‏.‏ Abu Hurayrah narrated: A man came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Your father." [Sahih Bukhari 5971]

Treating your mother with the best companionship is when the conditions are met, as Allah is never unjust. You do not need to honour your narcissistic mother if she oppresses you and makes your life a living hell.

And as for the fathers who enable such behavior from the mother, they tend to either be a narcissistic father, or one who is scared of having boundaries. They have failed in protecting their child, and no father who really loves his child would ever enable someone to abuse his children.

حَدَّثَنَا الْحُمَيْدِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُفْيَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامُ بْنُ عُرْوَةَ، أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، أَخْبَرَتْنِي أَسْمَاءُ ابْنَةُ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ أَتَتْنِي أُمِّي رَاغِبَةً فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَسَأَلْتُ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم آصِلُهَا قَالَ ‏"‏ نَعَمْ ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالَ ابْنُ عُيَيْنَةَ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى فِيهَا ‏{‏لاَ يَنْهَاكُمُ اللَّهُ عَنِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يُقَاتِلُوكُمْ فِي الدِّينِ‏}‏ Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet. I asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaynah said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.' (60.8) [Sahih al-Bukhari 5978]

Treating the mother with kindness, even if she may be a disbeliever, is how a Muslim should act — with justice and fairness.

However, one must note that the Hadith indicates that Allah did forbid the Muslims from being close with their pagan parents during the war with Quraysh, as this was to protect their religion.

It shows that under certain conditions, being close with your parents is not always obligatory. They should not actively fight you for holding onto your religion. Getting close to such parents will damage your religion, which can compromise it.

So what about a parent who harms you physically, emotionally, or psychologically by continously abusing you, calling you names, cursing you, and makes your life miserable? Does Allah want you to compromise your health by being close with such a vile person? Obviously not.