Limits of obeying parents
Islam honors parents and assigns them a vital role within the family. They are responsible for their children, and they should provide them with the best care possible.
Allah orders Muslims to obey their parents, whether they are Muslim or Non-Muslim. This is an order of Allah, so every Muslim should obey Allah in this. Parents have various rights in Islam, and obedience is one of them.
Therefore, Muslims are instructed to obey their parents. How is this obligation implemented, and what are the conditions for obedience? All questions will be answered in this article.
The limits of obedience
Many parents abuse their position by ordering their children things that harm them, just to get some gain, whether financially, or emotionally.
Islam is absolutely against any form of abuse, and parents who do such things will be held accountable for their injustices.
No obedience in Haram
The Muslim is not required to obey his parents whenever he is order to do something that is haram.
There are cases where a parent may order his child to do haram, such as stealing, cheating, lying, attending weddings with music, celebrating non-Islamic festives, and more.
In all of these, obedience is not required. The Muslim should obey Allah before anyone else.
قَالَ " لاَ طَاعَةَ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّمَا الطَّاعَةُ فِي الْمَعْرُوفِ "
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "There is no obedience in that which is disobedience to Allah. Verily, obedience is only in that which is good."
[Sahih Muslim 1840a]
No obedience in what is harmful
Parents have been given a lot of power over their children, and many parents tend to misuse this power by ordering their children to do things which are essentially harmful to them.
Abuse is unacceptable in Islam, and such parents will not get away with doing this to their children. Such behavior will only foster hatred in the child's heart toward their parents.
There is no obedience in things like: being their servant, financial doormat, neglecting your spouse or children for the sake of spending time with your parents, divorcing your spouse, destroying yourself.
وَأَنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَيْسَ بِظَلَّـٰمٍۢ لِّلْعَبِيدِ
And Allah is never unjust to ˹His˺ creation.
[8:51 Quran]
Expecting a son or daughter to serve as a household servant is entirely impermissible, as it constitutes an abuse of authority. Allah has not made it obligatory upon them, and therefore, parents have no right to impose it as an obligation on their children.
Same goes with demanding money from their children while there is no actual need for it. Such parents should fear the punishment of Allah, as they are being abusive towards their children.
No obedience in Shirk
Whenever the disbelieving parents orders the Muslim to leave off his religion, or to practise some form of major shirk, he is not obliged to obey.
وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًۭا ۖ وَٱتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ١٥
But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world kindly, and follow the way of those who turn to Me ˹in devotion˺. Then to Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.
[31:15 Quran]
No parent has the right to be obeyed in whatever is disobedience to Allah. Allah comes before anyone.
There is also the example of Ibrahim 'alayhi salam, going against his own father, just because he was ordered to worship idols.
۞ وَإِذْ قَالَ إِبْرَٰهِيمُ لِأَبِيهِ ءَازَرَ أَتَتَّخِذُ أَصْنَامًا ءَالِهَةً ۖ إِنِّىٓ أَرَىٰكَ وَقَوْمَكَ فِى ضَلَـٰلٍۢ مُّبِينٍۢ ٧٤
And ˹remember˺ when Abraham said to his father, Ȃzar, “Do you take idols as gods? It is clear to me that you and your people are entirely misguided.”
[6:74 Quran]
Ibrahim 'alayhi salam was not afraid of standing up for truth, even if that meant going against his own father. Allah comes before anyone.
The Sahabi Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas with his disbelieving mother
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بَكْرِ بْنُ أَبِي شَيْبَةَ، وَزُهَيْرُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ مُوسَى، حَدَّثَنَا زُهَيْرٌ، حَدَّثَنَا سِمَاكُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، حَدَّثَنِي مُصْعَبُ بْنُ سَعْدٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، أَنَّهُ نَزَلَتْ فِيهِ آيَاتٌ مِنَ الْقُرْآنِ - قَالَ - حَلَفَتْ أُمُّ سَعْدٍ أَنْ لاَ تُكَلِّمَهُ أَبَدًا حَتَّى يَكْفُرَ بِدِينِهِ وَلاَ تَأْكُلَ وَلاَ تَشْرَبَ . قَالَتْ زَعَمْتَ أَنَّ اللَّهَ وَصَّاكَ بِوَالِدَيْكَ وَأَنَا أُمُّكَ وَأَنَا آمُرُكَ بِهَذَا . قَالَ مَكَثَتْ ثَلاَثًا حَتَّى غُشِيَ عَلَيْهَا مِنَ الْجَهْدِ فَقَامَ ابْنٌ لَهَا يُقَالُ لَهُ عُمَارَةُ فَسَقَاهَا فَجَعَلَتْ تَدْعُو عَلَى سَعْدٍ فَأَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ فِي الْقُرْآنِ هَذِهِ الآيَةَ { وَوَصَّيْنَا الإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا} { وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَى أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي} وَفِيهَا { وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا}
The mother of Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas, Umm Sa'd, had taken oath that she would never talk with Sa'd unless he abandoned Islam, and she neither ate nor drank (to put more pressure) and said: Allah has commanded you to treat well your parents and I am your mother and I command you to do this.
She passed three days in this state until she fainted because of extreme hunger and at that time her son whose name was Umara stood up and served her drink and she began to curse Sa'd.
Then Allah revealed these verses of the Quran: "We have commanded people to honour their parents. (31:14 Quran)", "But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world kindly. (31:15 Quran)".
[Sahih Muslim 1748c]
Here we see a great example of a Sahabi named Sa'd ibn Abi Waqqas who was pressured by his mother to leave Islam.
His mother urged him to leave Islam, but Sa'd did not obey her in that. She even tried to manipulate him into it by saying "I am your mother, and your religion teaches you to obey me, so do as I command you."
Here we see to which extent the mother of Sa'd went. She even tried to put extra pressure on him by starving herself, just to scare Sa'd.
This was a form of manipulation and extreme pressure put on Sa'd, but he remained true to his religion.
The Sahabi Abu Hurayrah with his disbelieving mother
حَدَّثَنَا عَمْرٌو النَّاقِدُ، حَدَّثَنَا عُمَرُ بْنُ يُونُسَ الْيَمَامِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا عِكْرِمَةُ بْنُ عَمَّارٍ، عَنْ أَبِي كَثِيرٍ، يَزِيدَ بْنِ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ حَدَّثَنِي أَبُو هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ كُنْتُ أَدْعُو أُمِّي إِلَى الإِسْلاَمِ وَهِيَ مُشْرِكَةٌ فَدَعَوْتُهَا يَوْمًا فَأَسْمَعَتْنِي فِي رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم مَا أَكْرَهُ فَأَتَيْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَأَنَا أَبْكِي قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنِّي كُنْتُ أَدْعُو أُمِّي إِلَى الإِسْلاَمِ فَتَأْبَى عَلَىَّ فَدَعَوْتُهَا الْيَوْمَ فَأَسْمَعَتْنِي فِيكَ مَا أَكْرَهُ فَادْعُ اللَّهَ أَنْ يَهْدِيَ أُمَّ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " اللَّهُمَّ اهْدِ أُمَّ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ " . فَخَرَجْتُ مُسْتَبْشِرًا بِدَعْوَةِ نَبِيِّ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَلَمَّا جِئْتُ فَصِرْتُ إِلَى الْبَابِ فَإِذَا هُوَ مُجَافٌ فَسَمِعَتْ أُمِّي خَشْفَ قَدَمَىَّ فَقَالَتْ مَكَانَكَ يَا أَبَا هُرَيْرَةَ . وَسَمِعْتُ خَضْخَضَةَ الْمَاءِ قَالَ - فَاغْتَسَلَتْ وَلَبِسَتْ دِرْعَهَا وَعَجِلَتْ عَنْ خِمَارِهَا فَفَتَحَتِ الْبَابَ ثُمَّ قَالَتْ يَا أَبَا هُرَيْرَةَ أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ - قَالَ - فَرَجَعْتُ إِلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَأَتَيْتُهُ وَأَنَا أَبْكِي مِنَ الْفَرَحِ - قَالَ - قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَبْشِرْ قَدِ اسْتَجَابَ اللَّهُ دَعْوَتَكَ وَهَدَى أُمَّ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ . فَحَمِدَ اللَّهَ وَأَثْنَى عَلَيْهِ وَقَالَ خَيْرًا - قَالَ - قُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ادْعُ اللَّهَ أَنْ يُحَبِّبَنِي أَنَا وَأُمِّي إِلَى عِبَادِهِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَيُحَبِّبَهُمْ إِلَيْنَا - قَالَ - فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " اللَّهُمَّ حَبِّبْ عُبَيْدَكَ هَذَا - يَعْنِي أَبَا هُرَيْرَةَ وَأُمَّهُ - إِلَى عِبَادِكَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَحَبِّبْ إِلَيْهِمُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ " . فَمَا خُلِقَ مُؤْمِنٌ يَسْمَعُ بِي وَلاَ يَرَانِي إِلاَّ أَحَبَّنِي .
Abu Hurayrah said: "I invited my mother, who was a polytheist, to Islam. I invited her one day and she said to me something about Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) which I hated.
I came to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) weeping and said: Allah's Messenger, I invited my mother to Islam but she did not accept (my invitation). I invited her today but she said to me something which I did not like. (Kindly) supplicate to Allah that He may set my mother right.
Thereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: O Allah, set the mother of Abu Hurayrah on the right path.
I came out quite pleased with the supplication of Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) and when I came near the door it was closed from within. My mother heard the noise of my footsteps and she said: Abu Hurayrah, just wait.
And I heard the noise of falling of water. She took a bath and put on her clothes, quickly covered her head and opened the door and then said: 'Abu Hurayrah, I bear witness that there is no god but Allah and Muhammad is His prophet and His Messenger.'
I went back to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and (this time) I was shedding tears of joy. I said: Allah's Messenger, be happy, for Allah has responded to your supplication and He has set on the right path the mother of Abu Hurayrah. He (the Holy Prophet) praised Allah, and extolled Him and uttered good words.
I said: Allah's Messenger, supplicate to Allah so that He may instill love of mine and that of my mother too in the believing servants and let our hearts be filled with their love, whereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: 'O Allah, let there be love of these servants of yours, i.e. Abu Hurayrah and his mother, in the hearts of the believing servants and let their hearts be filled with the love of the believing servants.'
This prayer was so well granted by Allah that no believer was ever born who heard of me and who saw except that they loved me.
[Sahih Muslim 2491]
In this we see the patience of Abu Hurayrah with his mother, as she was first a polytheist who hated Islam.
Abu Hurayrah was hurt from her hate for Islam, and he cried over it, as it caused him a lot of pain.
He never stopped speaking to her or treating her kindly. Eventually she embraced Islam, and Abu Hurayrah was very pleased with this. Such is what can happen, so one should always remain kind with his disbelieving parent, even when that parent insults Islam.
Some disbelieving parents are just ignorant, and they insult Islam because of that. But when a parent knows, and he still insists on hating Islam, while at the same time abusing his children on a personal level, then such are the abusive parents.
The Sahabiyah Asma bint Abi Bakr with her disbelieving mother
وَحَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْعَلاَءِ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو أُسَامَةَ، عَنْ هِشَامٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ بِنْتِ أَبِي بَكْرٍ، قَالَتْ قَدِمَتْ عَلَىَّ أُمِّي وَهِيَ مُشْرِكَةٌ فِي عَهْدِ قُرَيْشٍ إِذْ عَاهَدَهُمْ فَاسْتَفْتَيْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقُلْتُ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ قَدِمَتْ عَلَىَّ أُمِّي وَهْىَ رَاغِبَةٌ أَفَأَصِلُ أُمِّي قَالَ " نَعَمْ صِلِي أُمَّكِ " .
Asma bint Abu Bakr narrated: "My mother who was a polytheist came to me when he (the Prophet) entered into treaty with the Quraysh. I inquired from the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying: Messenger of Allah, there has come to me my mother and she is in need; should I show her kindness (by giving her charity)? He said: Yes, treat her kindly."
[Sahih Muslim 1003b]
This shows us that when the parent is a disbeliever, he should still be treated kindly, and that obedience is still required in what is good.