Obedience to Parents

Disobeying one's parents is a major sin

Whenever a Muslim’s parent commands something that is permissible and good, and it does not cause undue hardship, then disobeying that command is considered a major sin in Islam.

Such a Muslim would incur Allah's anger due to causing their parent's displeasure.

حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا يَعْلَى بْنُ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ قَالَ‏:‏ رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ‏.‏

'Abdullah ibn 'Umar said, "The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 2]

Disobeying one's parents can also be a reason one would enter Hellfire, as this is one of the biggest major sins.

حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُنِيرٍ، سَمِعَ وَهْبَ بْنَ جَرِيرٍ، وَعَبْدَ الْمَلِكِ بْنَ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، عَنْ عُبَيْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ أَبِي بَكْرِ بْنِ أَنَسٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ سُئِلَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَنِ الْكَبَائِرِ قَالَ ‏ "‏ الإِشْرَاكُ بِاللَّهِ، وَعُقُوقُ الْوَالِدَيْنِ، وَقَتْلُ النَّفْسِ، وَشَهَادَةُ الزُّورِ ‏"‏‏.‏ تَابَعَهُ غُنْدَرٌ وَأَبُو عَامِرٍ وَبَهْزٌ وَعَبْدُ الصَّمَدِ عَنْ شُعْبَةَ‏.‏

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "They (some major sins) are:-- (1) Shirk, (2) To be undutiful to one's parents, (3) To kill a person, (4) And to give a false testimony." [Sahih Bukhari 2653]

Disgraced is the one who disobeys his good parents in old age when they raised him with mercy, respect and kindness, only to be left in the cold and treated unjustly.

حَدَّثَنَا خَالِدُ بْنُ مَخْلَدٍ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلاَلٍ، قَالَ‏:‏ حَدَّثَنَا سُهَيْلٌ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ‏:‏ رَغِمَ أَنْفُهُ، رَغِمَ أَنْفُهُ، رَغِمَ أَنْفُهُ، قَالُوا‏:‏ يَا رَسُولَ اللهِ مَنْ‏؟‏ قَالَ‏:‏ مَنْ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيْهِ عِنْدَ الْكِبْرِ، أَوْ أَحَدَهُمَا، فَدَخَلَ النَّارَ‏.‏

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "May his nose be dusted (i.e. may he be disgraced), may his nose be dusted, may his nose be dusted." They said, "Messenger of Allah, who?" He said, "The one who lives to see his parents or one of them in old age, and (still) enters the Fire." [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 21]

We are all imperfect, and that means there may be times when we fall short and disobey our parents in certain matters. When that happens, we should sincerely turn to Allah in repentance and make amends with our parents.

There might even be instances where we lash out, due to our impatience and low Eman. Whatever the case, parents deserve utmost respect, and we should strive to achieve their pleasure, as long as it remains reasonable and halal.

Allah forgives all sins, and He would not punish you for something you sincerely repent for.

لَا تَقْنَطُوا۟ مِن رَّحْمَةِ ٱللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلْغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ ٥٣ Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [39:53 Quran]

However, there is an exception to the rule that Muslims must obey their parents: abusive and cruel parents who traumatize their children. Such parents are not deserving of honour or obedience.

Many of these abusive parents are narcissistic, with the narcissistic father often being the one who manipulates his children into obedience through an authoritarian style of parenting. However, narcissistic mothers also use manipulation tactics, though not to the same extent or in the same way as narcissistic fathers.

Parental commands where obedience is obligatory:

• Dressing modestly
• Assisting in minor house chores
• To cancel plans when there is a valid need for it
• Refraining from using foul language
• Refraining from bad behavior
• Not staying out late
• Coming to eat when they call you
• Occasionally driving your parents to appointments
• Performing your obligatory prayers on time
• Refraining from music and other forbidden things

Parental commands where obedience is not obligatory:

• To lie or cheat
• To leave Islam
• Getting them things that are haram, such as alcohol or sigarettes
• Removing the Hijab for women, or to shave the beard for men
• Not marrying a person they dislike while the person is a good Muslim
• Not to maintain ties with certain family members who are good
• To attend a wedding where music or free mixing is present
• Celebrating non-Islamic festives like birthdays
• To divorce your spouse while he or she is a good Muslim
• To neglect your family in order to spend time with your parents
• Doing house chores and being their servant
• Being their financial doormat

No obedience in Haram

The Muslim is not required to obey his parents whenever he is order to do something that is haram.

There are cases where a parent may order his child to do haram, such as stealing, cheating, lying, attending weddings with music, celebrating non-Islamic festives, and more.

In all of these, obedience is not required. The Muslim should obey Allah before anyone else.

قَالَ ‏"‏ لاَ طَاعَةَ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّمَا الطَّاعَةُ فِي الْمَعْرُوفِ ‏"‏

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "There is no obedience in that which is disobedience to Allah. Verily, obedience is only in that which is good." [Sahih Muslim 1840a]

No obedience in what is harmful

Parents have been given a lot of power over their children, and many parents tend to misuse this power by ordering their children to do things which are essentially harmful to them.

Abuse is unacceptable in Islam, and such parents will not get away with doing this to their children. Such behavior will only foster hatred in the child's heart toward their parents.

There is no obedience in things like: being their servant, financial doormat, neglecting your spouse or children for the sake of spending time with your parents, divorcing your spouse, destroying yourself.

وَأَنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَيْسَ بِظَلَّـٰمٍۢ لِّلْعَبِيدِ And Allah is never unjust to ˹His˺ creation. [8:51 Quran]

Expecting a son or daughter to serve as a household servant is entirely impermissible, as it constitutes an abuse of authority. Allah has not made it obligatory upon them, and therefore, parents have no right to impose it as an obligation on their children.

Same goes with demanding money from their children while there is no actual need for it. Such parents should fear the punishment of Allah, as they are being abusive towards their children.

No obedience in Shirk

Whenever the disbelieving parents orders the Muslim to leave off his religion, or to practise some form of major shirk, he is not obliged to obey.

وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًۭا ۖ وَٱتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ١٥ But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world kindly, and follow the way of those who turn to Me ˹in devotion˺. Then to Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do. [31:15 Quran]

No parent has the right to be obeyed in whatever is disobedience to Allah. Allah comes before anyone.

There is also the example of Ibrahim 'alayhi salam, going against his own father, just because he was ordered to worship idols.

۞ وَإِذْ قَالَ إِبْرَٰهِيمُ لِأَبِيهِ ءَازَرَ أَتَتَّخِذُ أَصْنَامًا ءَالِهَةً ۖ إِنِّىٓ أَرَىٰكَ وَقَوْمَكَ فِى ضَلَـٰلٍۢ مُّبِينٍۢ ٧٤ And ˹remember˺ when Abraham said to his father, Ȃzar, “Do you take idols as gods? It is clear to me that you and your people are entirely misguided.” [6:74 Quran]

Ibrahim 'alayhi salam was not afraid of standing up for truth, even if that meant going against his own father. Allah comes before anyone.