Author: Sefiye al-Turki
Date published: 2025-11-09
Updated: 2026-07-16
Cutting off toxic family members
Toxic relatives can become a source of immense hardship and distress in a person's life, causing serious harm to their emotional, mental, and overall well-being.
When a person is subjected to severe harm that significantly affects his well-being, it should be understood that protecting one's well-being is important, even when the source of harm is a family member.
A person is not required to endure continuous suffering simply because the person causing it is related to him.
Scholars have discussed the permissibility of cutting ties with severely harmful relatives when doing so is necessary to protect oneself from serious harm.
Therefore, the warnings against severing family ties do not apply in the same way to situations involving relatives who cause severe and ongoing harm.
- A relative who spreads harmful rumours about you with the intention of damaging your reputation
- A relative who uses black magic against you with the intention of causing serious harm
- A relative who reveals your deepest secrets and private matters
- A relative who supports your enemy or remains indifferent in the face of serious abuse and injustice
- A relative who says something deeply hurtful or disturbing that destroys the foundation of trust between you
Scholars on cutting ties with the toxic relative
Many scholars have recognized that severe toxicity and ongoing harm can have a deeply damaging effect on a person's life, which is why they considered separation from such relatives to be permissible in certain circumstances.
If cutting off severely harmful relatives were prohibited in every situation, it would leave victims without protection from serious harm, allow injustice to continue, and create hardship that contradicts the principles of justice and mercy.
A person must assess his own situation with great wisdom, caution, and sincerity, because cutting family ties without a valid reason is a major sin. This also applies to relatives whose behavior may be unpleasant or difficult but does not cause serious harm to a person's well-being.
Imam Ahmad was asked about a harmful relative, and he advised maintaining ties because the situation presented to him had not reached the level of harm that would warrant a different ruling.
روى الفضلُ بْنُ زِيادٍ عنه وَقَدْ سألهُ رجل عَنْ ابنةِ عَمٍّ لَهُ تَنالُ مِنْهُ وَتَظْلِمُهُ وَتَشْتُمُهُ وَتَقْذِفُهُ، فقال: سَلِّمْ عليها إذا لَقِيتها، اقْطَعِ المُصارَمَةَ، المُصارَمَةُ شَدِيدَةٌ.
[الأمر بالمعروف والنهي عن المنكر - أبو يعلى - صفحة ١٧٨]
Al-Fadl ibn Ziyad narrated from him (Imam Ahmad) that a man asked him about a female cousin of his who harmed him, wronged him, insulted him, and falsely accused him. He said: “Greet her when you meet her, (so that you may) end off the estrangement, for estrangement is severe.”
[Al-Amru bil-Ma'ruf wal-Nahy anil Munkar - Abu Ya'la - Page 178]
And this goes in line with the Hadith of a Sahabi who was dealing with difficult relatives:
حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ بَشَّارٍ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لاِبْنِ الْمُثَنَّى - قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْعَلاَءَ بْنَ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ، يُحَدِّثُ عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي، هُرَيْرَةَ أَنَّ رَجُلاً، قَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونِي وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَىَّ وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَىَّ . فَقَالَ " لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلاَ يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللَّهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ " .
Abu Huraira reported that a person said: "Oh Allah's Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try, to have close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am kind to them but they are harsh towards me."
Upon this he (the Prophet) said: If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah (an Angel to support you) who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness).
[Sahih Muslim 2558a]
It is not permissible to cut off ties with difficult relatives whose behavior does not reach the level of causing serious harm to your well-being. Some relatives may be difficult to deal with, quick to anger, or lacking in kindness, and their actions may cause some level of distress.
A Muslim is encouraged to deal with such relatives through patience, wisdom, and good character, because their behavior does not constitute a serious threat to one's well-being that would justify completely severing family ties.
But as for those who pose serious harm to your well-being, act ignorantly and are persistent in it, they should be cut off to preserve your well-being. This principle is based on the following sayings of the Prophet (ﷺ):
٨٩ - أَخْبَرَنَا أَبُو سَعِيدٍ الْأَشَجُّ، أَخْبَرَنَا عَمْرُو بْنُ قَيْسِ بْنِ يَسِيرِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ جَدِّهِ، قَالَ: قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «اصْرِمِ الْأَحْمَقَ»
[الزهد - ابن أبي عاصم - حديث ٨٩]
The Prophet ﷺ said: “Cut off the fool/crazy (al-aḥmaq).”
[Al-Zuhd - Ibn Abi Asim - Hadith 89]
١٠٨١ - حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ أَحْمَدَ، ثنا أَبُو ذَرٍّ هَارُونُ بْنُ سُلَيْمَانَ الْمِصْرِيُّ، ثنا يُوسُفُ بْنُ عَدِيٍّ، ثنا شِهَابُ بْنُ خِرَاشٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أُسَيْرِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، كَانَ قَدْ رَأَى النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «اصْرِمِ الْأَحْمَقَ، فَلَيْسَ لِلْأَحْمَقِ شَيْءٌ خَيْرٌ مِنَ الْهِجْرَانِ»
[معرفة الصحابة - أبو نعيم - الحديث ١٠٨١]
The Prophet ﷺ said: "Cut off the fool, for there is nothing better for the fool than being shunned."
[Ma'rifat al-Sahaba - Abu Nuaym - Hadith 1081]
٤٧ - حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الْغَفَّارِ الْحِمْصِيُّ، ثَنَا الْمُسَيِّبُ بْنُ وَاضِحٍ، ثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ عَمْرٍو النَّخَعِيُّ، عَنْ إِسْحَاقَ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ، قَالَ: قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «لَا خَيْرَ فِي صُحْبَةِ مَنْ لَا يَرَى لَكَ مِثْلَ مَا تَرَى لَهُ»
[أمثال الحديث - أبو الشيخ الأصبهاني - الحديث ٤٧]
The Prophet ﷺ said: "There is no good in keeping the company of one who does not see for you the same (good and consideration) that you see for him."
[Amthal al-Hadith - Abu al-Shaykh al-Asbahani - Hadith 47]
There was an incident involving Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr, the nephew of Aisha, in which he said something that deeply hurt her. Aisha did not dismiss the pain she experienced, and she chose to acknowledge the seriousness of what had occurred.
She swore that she would not speak to Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr again and initially refused attempts at reconciliation.
After Abdullah continued to seek her forgiveness and made efforts to restore the relationship, Aisha eventually accepted his apology, and the estrangement between them came to an end.
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو الْيَمَانِ، أَخْبَرَنَا شُعَيْبٌ، عَنِ الزُّهْرِيِّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي عَوْفُ بْنُ مَالِكِ بْنِ الطُّفَيْلِ ـ هُوَ ابْنُ الْحَارِثِ وَهْوَ ابْنُ أَخِي عَائِشَةَ زَوْجِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم لأُمِّهَا ـ أَنَّ عَائِشَةَ حُدِّثَتْ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ قَالَ فِي بَيْعٍ أَوْ عَطَاءٍ أَعْطَتْهُ عَائِشَةُ وَاللَّهِ لَتَنْتَهِيَنَّ عَائِشَةُ، أَوْ لأَحْجُرَنَّ عَلَيْهَا. فَقَالَتْ أَهُوَ قَالَ هَذَا قَالُوا نَعَمْ. قَالَتْ هُوَ لِلَّهِ عَلَىَّ نَذْرٌ، أَنْ لاَ أُكَلِّمَ ابْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ أَبَدًا. فَاسْتَشْفَعَ ابْنُ الزُّبَيْرِ إِلَيْهَا، حِينَ طَالَتِ الْهِجْرَةُ فَقَالَتْ لاَ وَاللَّهِ لاَ أُشَفِّعُ فِيهِ أَبَدًا، وَلاَ أَتَحَنَّثُ إِلَى نَذْرِي. فَلَمَّا طَالَ ذَلِكَ عَلَى ابْنِ الزُّبَيْرِ كَلَّمَ الْمِسْوَرَ بْنَ مَخْرَمَةَ وَعَبْدَ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنَ الأَسْوَدِ بْنِ عَبْدِ يَغُوثَ، وَهُمَا مِنْ بَنِي زُهْرَةَ، وَقَالَ لَهُمَا أَنْشُدُكُمَا بِاللَّهِ لَمَّا أَدْخَلْتُمَانِي عَلَى عَائِشَةَ، فَإِنَّهَا لاَ يَحِلُّ لَهَا أَنْ تَنْذُرَ قَطِيعَتِي. فَأَقْبَلَ بِهِ الْمِسْوَرُ وَعَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ مُشْتَمِلَيْنِ بِأَرْدِيَتِهِمَا حَتَّى اسْتَأْذَنَا عَلَى عَائِشَةَ فَقَالاَ السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكِ وَرَحْمَةُ اللَّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ، أَنَدْخُلُ قَالَتْ عَائِشَةُ ادْخُلُوا. قَالُوا كُلُّنَا قَالَتْ نَعَمِ ادْخُلُوا كُلُّكُمْ. وَلاَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ مَعَهُمَا ابْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ، فَلَمَّا دَخَلُوا دَخَلَ ابْنُ الزُّبَيْرِ الْحِجَابَ، فَاعْتَنَقَ عَائِشَةَ وَطَفِقَ يُنَاشِدُهَا وَيَبْكِي، وَطَفِقَ الْمِسْوَرُ وَعَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ يُنَاشِدَانِهَا إِلاَّ مَا كَلَّمَتْهُ وَقَبِلَتْ مِنْهُ، وَيَقُولاَنِ إِنَّ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم نَهَى عَمَّا قَدْ عَلِمْتِ مِنَ الْهِجْرَةِ، فَإِنَّهُ لاَ يَحِلُّ لِمُسْلِمٍ أَنْ يَهْجُرَ أَخَاهُ فَوْقَ ثَلاَثِ لَيَالٍ. فَلَمَّا أَكْثَرُوا عَلَى عَائِشَةَ مِنَ التَّذْكِرَةِ وَالتَّحْرِيجِ طَفِقَتْ تُذَكِّرُهُمَا نَذْرَهَا وَتَبْكِي وَتَقُولُ إِنِّي نَذَرْتُ، وَالنَّذْرُ شَدِيدٌ. فَلَمْ يَزَالاَ بِهَا حَتَّى كَلَّمَتِ ابْنَ الزُّبَيْرِ، وَأَعْتَقَتْ فِي نَذْرِهَا ذَلِكَ أَرْبَعِينَ رَقَبَةً. وَكَانَتْ تَذْكُرُ نَذْرَهَا بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ فَتَبْكِي، حَتَّى تَبُلَّ دُمُوعُهَا خِمَارَهَا.
Imam al-Bukhari mentioned: Abu al-Yaman narrated to us, saying: Shu’ayb told us, from Al-Zuhri, who said: ‘Awf ibn Malik ibn al-Tufayl (who was the maternal cousin of Aisha) said:
Aisha narrated that she was told that Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr said regarding a sale or a gift that she had given him: “By Allah, Aisha must stop, or I will put her under financial guardianship!”
She asked, “Did he (really) say this?” They replied, “Yes.” Aisha said: “By Allah, I have made a vow before Allah not to speak a word to Ibn al-Zubayr ever.”
Ibn al-Zubayr then sought intercession with her, as the period of estrangement became prolonged. She replied: “By Allah, I will not let anyone intercede for him, nor will I compromise my vow in any way.”
When this continued for some time, Ibn al-Zubayr spoke to Al-Miswar ibn Makhramah and Abdul-Rahman ibn al-Aswad ibn Yaghuth, both from Banu Zuhrah. He said to them: “I ask you by Allah to bring me to Aisha, for it is not permissible for her to cut me off.”
Al-Miswar and Abdul-Rahman agreed and approached her, covered in their cloaks. They sought permission to enter, saying: “As-salamu alayki wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, may we enter?” Aisha replied: “Enter.” They asked: “All of us, O Mother of the Believers?” She said: “Yes, all of you may enter.”
Aisha did not know that Ibn al-Zubayr was with them. When they entered, Ibn al-Zubayr came past the screen, embraced Aisha, and pleaded with her, weeping. Meanwhile, Al-Miswar and Abdul-Rahman also interceded and pleaded with her, although she did not speak to him (Ibn al-Zubayr), nor did she accept it from him.
They reminded her: “You know that the Prophet ﷺ forbade prolonged estrangement, for it is not permissible for a Muslim to cut off his brother for more than three days.”
After they repeatedly reminded and urged her, Aisha began to reconsider her vow, crying, saying: “I have made a vow, and the vow is serious.” They continued persuading her until she finally spoke to Ibn al-Zubayr. She then freed forty slaves for breaking her vow.
Even afterward, when she recalled her vow, she would weep until her tears soaked her khimar.
[Sahih al-Bukhari 6073-6075]
Aisha was aware of the narration that prohibits a Muslim from abandoning another Muslim for more than three days, yet this did not lead her to immediately end the estrangement. This was because she understood her situation to be one of the exceptions to the general rule.
Scholars such as Ibn Abdul-Barr have explained that there are exceptions to the general prohibition of prolonged estrangement. One such exception is when separation is necessary to protect a person's well-being from serious harm.
It is clear that Aisha understood her action to be permissible, as she initially made a vow to maintain the estrangement between herself and Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr.
Due to her deep understanding of the narrations, Aisha chose to distance herself from Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr after being deeply hurt by his words.
Aisha understood the importance of context and recognized that general narrations cannot be applied identically to every circumstance.
أَخْبَرَنَا أَبُو سُلَيْمَانَ قَالَ: أَخْبَرَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ مَنْصُورِ بْنِ أَبِي الدَّقِّ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُنْذِرِ بْنِ سَعِيدٍ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي أَحْمَدُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي عَمْرُو بْنُ عَلِيٍّ ⦗٢٥⦘ قَالَ: قُلْتُ لِأَبِي عَاصِمٍ: يَا أَبَا عَاصِمٍ، إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً إِذَا كَلَّمْتُهُ آذَانِي وَإِذَا تَرَكْتُهُ اسْتَرَحْتُ مِنْهُ فَقَالَ أَبُو عَاصِمٍ:
[البحر الطويل]
وَفِي الْأَرْضِ مَنْجَاةٌ وَفِي الصِّرْمِ رَاحَةٌ ... وَفِي النَّاسِ أَنْدَادٌ سِوَاهُ كَثِيرُ ثُمَّ قَالَ حَدَّثَتْنِي زَيْنَبُ بِنْتُ أَبِي طَلِيقٍ قَالَتْ: حَدَّثَتْنِي الصَّحِيحَةُ قَالَتْ: قُلْتُ لِعَائِشَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا: " إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً يُهِينُونَنِي وَجِيرَانًا يُكْرِمُونَنِي، فَقَالَتْ: «أَكْرِمِي مَنْ أَكْرَمَكِ وَأَهِينِي مَنْ أَهَانَكِ»
[العزلة - الخطابي - الصفحة ٢٤–٢٥]
Aisha was asked about relatives who are harmful and humiliating to a person while the neighbor is good. She said: “Honor the one who honors you, and humiliate the one who humiliates you.”
[Al-Uzlah - Al-Khattabi - Page 24-25]
This shows that it is not necessarily blameworthy to respond to someone who insults you, as long as the response does not involve prohibited speech, such as obscene language or insulting their parents or other matters that are forbidden.
A Muslim may respond by pointing out a person's foolishness or ignorance when appropriate, without crossing the limits of proper conduct.
This is a way of responding to those who seek to demean others. However, when a person exceeds the limits and causes serious harm, a stronger response may be justified within the boundaries of what is permissible, including distancing oneself from those who have earned such treatment.
٩٠ - أَخْبَرَنَا أَبُو هِشَامٍ الرِّفَاعِيُّ، أَخْبَرَنَا ابْنُ يَمَانٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا سُفْيَانُ، أَخْبَرَنَا حَبِيبُ بْنُ أَبِي ثَابِتٍ، حَدَّثَنِي مَيْمُونُ بْنُ أَبِي شَبِيبٍ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، قَالَتْ: «أَمَرَنَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ أَنْ نُنْزِلَ النَّاسَ مَنَازِلَهُمْ»
[الزهد - ابن أبي عاصم - حديث ٩٠]
ʿAisha said: “The Messenger of Allah ﷺ ordered us to put people in their proper place.”
[Al-Zuhd - Ibn Abi Asim - Hadith 90]
This shows that a Muslim is not expected to be passive or remain silent when facing harm. He should protect himself, stand up against wrongdoing, and respond to harmful behavior in a manner that is appropriate and just.
Abu Bakrah ibn Nafi' was a Companion of the Prophet ﷺ and the maternal half-brother of Ziyad.
There was an incident in which Abu Bakrah, along with three other witnesses, gave testimony in a case involving an accusation of zina against Al-Mughirah ibn Shu'bah.
According to some historical reports, including those mentioned by scholars such as al-Baladhuri, Al-Mughirah ibn Shu'bah had been involved with a woman whom he had secretly married. Because people didn't know of this reality, they believed he had intercourse with a woman who he was not married to.
When the matter reached the court and the witnesses were required to give their testimony, only three of them maintained their statements. The fourth witness, Ziyad, withdrew his testimony, which Abu Bakrah considered a serious betrayal.
Since the requirement of four witnesses was not fulfilled, the accusation could not be established. Abu Bakrah and the other witnesses who maintained their testimony were consequently given the prescribed punishment for qadhf (false accusation).
Because of this event, Abu Bakrah chose to distance himself from his half-brother Ziyad, viewing his withdrawal from the testimony as a severe breach of trust that had serious consequences.
عَبْدُ الرَّزَّاقِ،
⦗٣٨٤⦘
١٣٥٦٤ - عَنْ مَعْمَرٍ، عَنِ الزُّهْرِيِّ، عَنِ ابْنِ الْمُسَيِّبِ قَالَ: شَهِدَ عَلَى الْمُغِيرَةِ بْنِ شُعْبَةَ ثَلَاثَةٌ بِالزِّنَا، وَنُكِّلَ زِيَادٌ فَحَدَّ عُمَرُ الثَّلَاثَةَ، وَقَالَ لَهُمْ: «تُوبُوا تُقْبَلْ شَهَادَتُكُمْ»، فَتَابَ رَجُلَانِ، وَلَمْ يَتُبْ أَبُو بَكْرَةَ، فَكَانَ لَا يَقْبَلُ شَهَادَتَهُ، وَأَبُو بَكْرَةَ أَخُو زِيَادٍ لِأُمِّهِ، فَلَمَّا كَانَ مِنْ أَمْرِ زِيَادٍ مَا كَانَ حَلَفَ أَبُو بَكْرَةَ، أَنْ لَا يُكَلِّمَ زِيَادًا أَبَدًا، فَلَمْ يُكَلِّمْهُ حَتَّى مَاتَ
[المصنف – عبد الرزاق – الحديث ١٣٥٦٤]
Ibn al-Musayyib narrated: Three men testified against al-Mughīrah ibn Shuʿbah regarding adultery. Ziyād was not punished (after retracting his testification), but ʿUmar punished the three witnesses and said to them: “Repent, and your future testimonies will be accepted.”
So two of them repented, but Abū Bakrah did not repent, so his testimony was never accepted afterward.
Abū Bakrah was the maternal brother of Ziyād. When what happened regarding Ziyād occurred, Abū Bakrah swore that he would never speak to Ziyād again, and he did not speak to him until he died.
[Musannaf Abdurrazzaq - Hadith 13564]
Abu Bakrah did not repent after being instructed to do so because he did not believe he had committed wrongdoing.
He was unwilling to repent for something he maintained he had not done, and he wanted to convey that he remained firmly convinced that Ziyad had witnessed what he and the other witnesses had witnessed but later withdrew his testimony.
أخبرنا أبو القاسم إسماعيل بن أحمد أنا محمد بن أحمد بن محمد بن المسلمة أنا علي بن أحمد بن عمر بن حفص أنا محمد بن أحمد بن الحسن نا الحسن بن علي القطان نا إسماعيل بن عيسى العطار نا إسحاق بن بشر
...
فقال أبو بكرة أما والذي بعث محمدا بالحق لقد رأى زياد مثل الذي رأيت ولكنه كتم الشهادة وإن المغيرة لزان فأراد عمر أن يعيد (٤) عليه الحد مرة أخرى فقال له علي يا أمير المؤمنين إذن تكمل شهادته أربعة ويحل على صاحبك الرجم فتركه وكتب إلى أبي موسى أن لا تجالسوا أبا بكرة فإنه شيطان فحلف أبو بكرة أن لا يكلم زيادا أبدا فولي زياد البصرة بعد ذلك فلم يكلمه حتى مات
[تاريخ ابن عساكر – الجزء ٦٠ – الصفحة ٣٦]
Abū Bakrah said: “By the One who sent Muḥammad with truth, Ziyād saw what I saw, but he concealed his testimony, and al-Mughīrah is indeed an adulterer.”
ʿUmar (ibn al-Khattab) left him, and wrote to Abū Mūsā that he should not sit with Abū Bakrah, saying: “He is a devil.”
Abū Bakrah then swore that he would never speak to Ziyād again. Later, Ziyād became governor of Baṣra, and Abū Bakrah never spoke to him until he died.
[Tarikh Ibn Asakir - Volume 60 - Page 36]
Abu Asim al-Nabil, also known as Al-Dahhak ibn Makhlad, was a major narrator of Hadith and one of the teachers of Imam Ahmad.
He understood that distancing oneself from a harmful relative can sometimes bring relief and protection from hardship, and he allowed it when he was asked about such a situation.
أَخْبَرَنَا أَبُو سُلَيْمَانَ قَالَ: أَخْبَرَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ مَنْصُورِ بْنِ أَبِي الدَّقِّ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُنْذِرِ بْنِ سَعِيدٍ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي أَحْمَدُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنِي عَمْرُو بْنُ عَلِيٍّ ⦗٢٥⦘ قَالَ: قُلْتُ لِأَبِي عَاصِمٍ: يَا أَبَا عَاصِمٍ، إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً إِذَا كَلَّمْتُهُ آذَانِي وَإِذَا تَرَكْتُهُ اسْتَرَحْتُ مِنْهُ فَقَالَ أَبُو عَاصِمٍ:
[البحر الطويل]
وَفِي الْأَرْضِ مَنْجَاةٌ وَفِي الصِّرْمِ رَاحَةٌ ... وَفِي النَّاسِ أَنْدَادٌ سِوَاهُ كَثِيرُ ثُمَّ قَالَ حَدَّثَتْنِي زَيْنَبُ بِنْتُ أَبِي طَلِيقٍ قَالَتْ: حَدَّثَتْنِي الصَّحِيحَةُ قَالَتْ: قُلْتُ لِعَائِشَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا: " إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً يُهِينُونَنِي وَجِيرَانًا يُكْرِمُونَنِي، فَقَالَتْ: «أَكْرِمِي مَنْ أَكْرَمَكِ وَأَهِينِي مَنْ أَهَانَكِ»
[العزلة - الخطابي - الصفحة ٢٤–٢٥]
It was said to Abu ʿĀsim (al-Nabil): “O Abu ʿĀsim, I have a relative—when I speak to him he harms me, and when I cut him off I find relief.”
So Abu ʿĀsim replied with a line of poetry saying: “On earth there is escape, and in cutting off there is relief, and there are many others among people who can replace him.”
[Al-Uzlah - Al-Khattabi - Page 24-25]
٣٦٠ - حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بَكْرِ بْنُ مُكْرَمٍ، ثَنَا عَمْرُو بْنُ عَلِيٍّ، قَالَ: قُلْتُ لِأَبِي عَاصِمٍ: إِنَّ لِيَ بَنِي عَمٍّ إِذَا كَلَّمْتُهُمْ أَثِمْتُ، وَإِذَا تَرَكْتُهُمُ اسْتَرَحْتُ، فَجَعَلَ يَقُولُ: «وَفِي الْأَرْضِ مَنْجَاةٌ وَفِي الصَّوْمِ رَاحَةٌ وَفِي الْأَرْضِ أَنْذَالٌ سِوَاكَ كَثِيرٌ» ثُمَّ قَالَ: حَدَّثَتْنِي أُمُّ الْحُصَيْنِ عَنِ الصَّحِيحَةِ أَنَّ امْرَأَةً سَأَلَتْ عَائِشَةَ فَقَالَتْ: إِنَّ لِيَ جِيرَانًا يُكْرِمُونَنِي وَجِيرَانًا يُهِينُونَنِي، فَقَالَتْ: «أَكْرِمِي مَنْ أَكْرَمَكِ وَأَهِينِي مَنْ أَهَانَكِ»
[أمثال الحديث – أبو الشيخ الأصبهاني – الصفحة ٤٠٩]
It was said to Abu ʿĀsim (al-Nabil): “O Abu ʿĀsim, I have a cousin—when I speak to him he harms me, and when I cut him off I find relief.”
So Abu ʿĀsim replied with a line of poetry saying: “On earth there is escape, and in cutting off there is relief, and there are many others among people who can replace him.”
[Amthal al-Hadith - Abu al-Shaykh al-Asbahani - Page 409]
This approach demonstrates the importance of nuance and shows that the obligation to maintain ties of kinship is not applied identically to every situation.
When a relative causes serious harm, distancing oneself or cutting ties may be permissible. The statement of Abu Asim al-Nabil, along with the views of other scholars, demonstrates this principle.
Scholars such as Ibn Abdul-Barr understood that rulings can change when significant harm is present. This provides mercy and protection for those suffering from severely harmful relatives, as they are not required to endure a situation that leads to serious damage to their well-being.
Family ties are highly important and strongly emphasized in Islam, but this does not mean that they override the prevention of harm. Allah does not command a person to remain in a situation of serious harm, as His commands are based upon wisdom, justice, and mercy.
وَأَجْمَعَ الْعُلَمَاءُ عَلَى أَنَّهُ لَا يَجُوزُ لِلْمُسْلِمِ أَنْ يَهْجُرَ أَخَاهُ فَوْقَ ثَلَاثٍ إِلَّا أَنْ يَكُونَ يَخَافُ مِنْ مُكَالَمَتِهِ وَصِلَتِهِ مَا يُفْسِدُ عَلَيْهِ دِينَهُ أَوْ يُوَلِّدُ (بِهِ) عَلَى نَفْسِهِ مَضَرَّةً فِي دِينِهِ أَوْ دُنْيَاهُ فَإِنْ كَانَ ذَلِكَ فَقَدْ رُخِّصَ لَهُ فِي مُجَانَبَتِهِ وَبُعْدِهِ وَرُبَّ صَرْمٍ جَمِيلٍ خَيْرٌ مِنْ مُخَالَطَةٍ مُؤْذِيَةٍ (قَالَ الشَّاعِرُ ... إِذَا مَا تَقَضَّى الْوُدُّ إِلَّا تَكَاشُرًا ... فَهَجْرٌ جَمِيلٌ لِلْفَرِيقَيْنِ صَالِحُ)
[التمهيد - ابن عبد البر - الجزء ٦ - الصفحة ١٢٧]
Ibn Abdul-Barr said:
“The scholars are unanimous that it is not permissible for a Muslim to cut off another Muslim for more than three days, except if he fears that communicating with him or maintaining contact would corrupt/harm his religion or cause him harm in his worldly affairs. In such a case, he is permitted to keep his distance and avoid him.
And sometimes a proper severance is better than harmful interaction. As the poet said: ‘When connection no longer remains except in the form of hostility, then a graceful separation is best for both parties.’”
[Al-Tamheed - Ibn 'Abdul-Barr - Volume 6 - Page 127]
This shows that it is permissible to distance oneself from those who cause harm to one's religion, such as a staunch innovator, or from those who cause serious harm in worldly matters, such as threatening a person's safety or severely damaging their health and well-being.
This principle applies to relationships in general. When a person causes serious harm that significantly affects another person's well-being, distancing oneself may be an appropriate response when the harmful behavior continues and the person refuses to change.
If a relative goes even further by causing deep emotional harm or trauma, then distancing oneself becomes even more understandable and justifiable.
Its justifiability through reason
Even through basic reasoning, it is clear that not every family member should be given unlimited access to a person's life.
Consider these examples:
- A parent who severely betrays their child by attempting to destroy their life, repeatedly telling them they are worthless or unwanted, or by committing abuse such as rape or enabling such abuse
- A sibling who exposes your deepest secrets, spreads false rumours with the intention of seriously damaging your reputation, or abandons you when you need support after experiencing abuse
- An uncle or aunt who refuses to defend your dignity when you are being falsely accused and attacked, or who participates in spreading rumours intended to destroy your reputation
- In-laws who act deceitfully and attempt to damage your marriage through slander, false accusations, or manipulation
It would be impossible to justify the idea that such family members should always retain access to a person's life, as this would conflict with principles of justice, protection from harm, and basic human dignity.
۞ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَـٰنِ
Indeed, Allah commands justice and grace…
[16:90 Quran]
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَآءَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَـَٔانُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ ٱعْدِلُوا۟ هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَٱتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ خَبِيرٌۢ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ
O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm for Allah, witnesses in justice, and do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness. And fear Allah. Surely Allah is All-Aware of what you do.
[5:8 Quran]
۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا ١٣٥
O believers! Stand firm for justice as witnesses for Allah even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or close relatives. Be they rich or poor, Allah is best to ensure their interests. So do not let your desires cause you to deviate ˹from justice˺. If you distort the testimony or refuse to give it, then ˹know that˺ Allah is certainly All-Aware of what you do.
[4:135 Quran]
There are family members who commit extremely harmful acts, such as making serious threats, abandoning their newborn children, or intentionally causing harm out of cruelty or malice.
Most people would recognize that victims of such severe forms of abuse have a valid reason to distance themselves and cut ties.
When certain boundaries are repeatedly and severely violated, certain rights can no longer remain in the same way. This is a reasonable principle that is recognized across many areas of life.
For example, a husband who persistently mistreats his wife may lose certain marital rights, just as a wife who persistently mistreats her husband may affect the rights she is entitled to receive.
قال النعمان بن بشير «٤»: ...
إذا متّ ذو القربى إليك برحمه ... وغشّك واستغنى فليس بذي رحم
ولكنّ ذا القربى الذي يستخفّه ... أذاك ومن يرمي العدوّ الذي ترمي
[كتاب عيون الأخبار - ابن قتيبة - المجلد ٣ - الصفحة ١١٠]
Al-Nu'man ibn Bashir (a Sahabi (2-64 Hijri)) said:
“If a relative appeals to you through kinship (when needing something), while abandoning you (when he doesn't need you), then he is not a true relative.
Rather, the true relative is the one who is distressed when you're harmed and treats as an enemy the one whom you treat as an enemy.”
[Kitab Uyun al-Akhbar - Ibn Qutaybah - Volume 3 - Page 110]
