Islam about an abusive husband

Having to deal with an abusive husband is hard, it is very difficult and challenging. It leaves you powerless, depleted, and can even make you sick.

So what does Islam say about an abusive husband? Is it okay that you are being treated this way just because he is your husband?

Firstly, we need to estabilish when a husband is regarded as abusive.

Being harsh and insulting, making the wife feel worthless
Giving the silent treatment, shutting her out emotionally
Ignoring the wife’s rights and needs
Pressuring the wife to financially support the family
Expecting her to do everything, including raising the children, without any support
Any form of physical harm or violence
Threatening her, creating fear and insecurity
Using religion as a way to manipulate or control her
Forcing her into intimacy against her will

This is just a small list among many things that are regarded as abusive, which would qualify the husband to be an 'abusive husband' in Islam.

Islam condemns even the slightest form of abuse, let alone the mentioned acts of abuse. Allah does not let those things slide, such a husband will be held accountable for his oppression.

Islam stands for balance and justice

Islam calls to protect those under your care and responsibility. In the case of an abusive husband, he has failed miserably.

The wife's rights are there to be protected and fulfilled. She has many rights inside a marriage system.

Here is a short list of what her rights are in a marriage:

Emotional affection, fair treatment, and respect
Protection from harm
Sustenance, nutritious food and drink
Her own privacy, meaning being provided with a roof over her head with her husband alone

It is a sad reality that abusive husbands more often than not, are the ones who cause their wife harm while they have the responsibility to protect them.

They would harm their wife emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and even sexually.

Islam condemns such husbands, and they are regarded as oppressors in the eyes of Allah. And the oppressors are in a very dangerous place, as their actions have consequences with Allah.

The abusive husband's misuse of Islam in order to manipulate

The abusive husband would often cite verses and narrations in order to manipulate their wife.

You are not responsible to obey your husband in everything he asks you to do, as Allah is just, and He would never propogate injustice.

Allah orders the women to obey their husband in the good, meaning, to obey the husband in the structure he places in the house, how to bring up the children, what to educate them with while he is not present, etc.

Sure, the husband is the head of the family, and he was given this role to protect and lead his wife and his children. This is what Allah has legislated, and He is perfect and the most Wise.

However, it does not mean that the husband is always right, and that he can misuse his power in order to abuse those under his responsibility.

Even if the husband would become angry if you disobey him in one of the valid things he ask you to do, he can never physically abuse you or emotionally abuse through insults.

Allah orders balance and justice, not chaos and wrongdoing. The abusive husband will be held accountable for everything he has done, sooner or later, it is upto Allah, and He is never unjust.

You don't have to tolerate this abuse. Often, abusive husbands call their wife to be patient (to have Sabr), but this is only so that they can get away with what they are doing.

You don't need to have sabr with this, you can stand up against injustice, instead of tolerating it. Allah does not call you to have sabr with your abusive husband if your health and well-being is declining.

This is not okay, nor does Islam promote Sabr when you are getting destroyed bit by bit. As that would be nothing but injustice.

How to deal with an abusive husband

We cannot change anyone, only Allah can. Life is short, and we should do everything to protect our time and spend it in the best way possible.

However, what we can do is encourage others to become better people. Then, it is upto them whether they choose to accept that advice and start working on themselves, or not.

There are things you can do to encourage change. This is only applicable when your husband is willing to look at himself and his actions.

In most of the cases, abusive husbands are not willing to take responsibility for how they treated their wife. Rather, they would sweep it under the carpet pretending nothing happened.

In such cases, the wife feels powerless, she feels like nothing helps, and that her husband cannot be saved.

And this is our natural response towards someone we care about, we would want to encourage them so that they will be saved. But more often than not, this is not achievable, due to the fact that people are in control over their own lives, and we cannot control their actions and decisions.

Is there something you can do to induce change?

If you’ve recognized that you are in an abusive marriage, you may feel the desire to advise your husband to treat you with more respect. If he fears Allah, he might change his ways and begin to treat you with the care you deserve.

However, this approach may not be realistic with husbands who have established a pattern of abuse and are unwilling to change no matter what.

But if your husband is open to change, then that is a positive step forward. So, how can you take steps toward encouraging positive change in the best possible way?

Step 1: Approach with kind words while being firm in your aim of this approach.
Step 2: Use kind words with a soft tone, show your gratitude towards the things he does for you that are good.
Step 3: Ask him whether he would be open to have a minute or two to hear what you would like to express (if he agrees, then move to the next step, if not, choose a different moment and try again).
Step 4: Express your concerns, while focussing on how it effects you mentally and emotionally, while making clear that you do not intend upset him in any way.
Step 5: Ask him whether he would be open to take your concerns and think about it, whether he would prevent this in the future.
Step 6: As this would be a boundary, it would not be worth anything except when you add consequence once it is crossed.
(Like considering divorce once the boundary gets crossed, while actually following through instead of breaking your own promise.)
Step 7: End your approach with positivity, just like you started it. Express your good intentions, and that you are willing to work on the relationship. And that you hope that together you will be a happy couple.

These steps will lead to a good outcome when your husband is willing to change his ways, and that he is willing to take responsibility for his actions.

More often than not, this is not realistic in the case of abusive husbands, but this is something you could try if your husband is a different case.

Some women try convincing their husband to get counseling, but this is not a good idea if he is not willing to change his ways and accept that he has done you wrong.

When you cannot do anything to make him stop

Many women find themselves in this position, where they have done everything just to make their husband wake up and have some sort of miracle happening.

It is quite saddening to be in this position, as it means that the only option left would be a divorce.

Women who find themselves in this position, are often dealing with narcissists, or a husband who is highly narcissistic.

So should you divorce then? At the end of the day, that is totally upto you, and nobody can make that decision for you.

Sure, divorce is scary, worries and fears might pop up while thinking about it, things like:

"How will I continue, my marriage was all I knew, and there is something new out there, which is unknown and scary."
"I cannot leave my marriage, I have put in too much into this, too much time and energy."
"I am too used to it, I am afraid of the unknown when I am not in this marriage anymore."
"It is scary to take care of the children as a single parent."
(When in reality you were a single parent in your marriage, having to take care of the children pretty much on your own.)
"I will be criticized for being a divorcee, people will look down on me."
(Yes they will, but these people are not worth it, and their opinion is wrong, as good people would only encourage you to divorce in the situation you are in, in order to protect yourself and your time.)
"What if I'm making the wrong choice?"
(The wrong choice is never to protect your health and well-being, no matter what situation you make a decision for.)
"Will I be alone forever?"
(No, if Allah wills, you will not be alone forever. Allah never neglects anyone, and Allah will help you throughout.)

Take a moment to gently reflect on your worries about divorce and compare them to the pain of your current situation. Are those worries really heavier than what you’re already dealing with?

Your concerns are completely valid — no one can just brush them aside. Deciding to go through with a divorce, especially when you feel exhausted and powerless, is a tough choice. It requires a lot of strength, and it’s perfectly okay if you don’t feel strong at this moment.

Some marriages have lasted for many years, and that shared history can make it even harder to leave, even in the face of daily abuse. This struggle runs deep, and there are psychological reasons why many women find it so challenging to walk away from an abusive partner.

The reality is, an abusive husband often creates a bond that feels nearly impossible to break. It becomes a familiar pattern, even when it’s damaging. But taking the brave step to break that bond is what paves the way for healing and peace.

So if you’re finding it tough to finally take that leap and file for divorce, even when you know it might be better for you, remember this: your hesitation is completely understandable. You’re not weak — you’re human, and you’re navigating an incredibly tough situation.

Our responsibility in life

Allah encourages us to make the right choices, even when they’re tough. Life can be challenging, but we each hold the reins to our own journeys. We can either take charge of our lives or let others dictate them for us.

Imagine how heartbreaking it would be to let someone else control how you live — especially if that person causes you pain. Even Allah grants you the freedom to choose your own path. So, what right does an abusive husband have to strip that away from you?

Remember this: Allah stands with every woman who decides to leave an abusive situation. When you take that brave first step, He’s there to guide you through the next one. Little by little, He lightens your load.

Leaving an abusive husband is no easy feat — but sometimes, staying can feel even more unbearable. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and at peace. With Allah’s support, that dream can become a reality.

In the end, the responsibility for your choices rests with you, and it’s crucial to choose what truly serves your best interests.

Allah, in His infinite wisdom, doesn’t want you to remain in harmful circumstances. He always wants what’s best for your happiness and well-being.

It's important to understand that being a victim of marital abuse doesn't mean you should remain passive and accept the situation. Choosing to not take action can, in a way, be abusive to yourself. You deserve to make changes and protect your well-being.

When you don't feel ready to divorce

It’s totally okay if you’re not quite ready to take the step of divorcing your abusive husband.

There are a lot of reasons you might be feeling this way, and it’s really important to recognize and honor those feelings:

It’s completely understandable that you’re hesitant to go through with a divorce, especially after investing so much time and energy into your marriage. It can feel like all that effort would just go down the drain.
(Feeling torn is a natural response. You may have probably dedicated years to this relationship, and the thought of leaving might seem like you’re throwing away everything you’ve built together. But staying in a painful situation only drags out the hurt and takes a toll on your well-being. You deserve a life filled with peace, not fear.)
You might feel trapped, as your abusive husband has somehow become a source of familiarity and comfort over time. The connection you share makes it hard to picture life without him.
It’s possible that you’re not quite ready to prioritize your own care and safety, and you might worry that divorcing could leave you feeling vulnerable.
The thought of being a single mother and living on your own can be daunting. Losing the life you once dreamed of with someone, even if that person is causing you pain, can feel incredibly overwhelming.
You may feel like you lack the courage to advocate for your own rights, even though deep down, you know you deserve so much more.
The idea of divorce might seem like a huge weight, as it would mean letting go of your abusive husband. A part of you may still care for him, making it even harder to take that step.
It’s possible that you’ve been putting his needs ahead of your own, focusing on his well-being while your own gets pushed aside. This kind of selflessness can really make it tough to think about what you need.
You might find that your self-worth and self-esteem are getting in the way, making it hard to pick what’s genuinely best for you, even when deep down, you know you deserve so much more.

You know yourself better than anyone else, and only you can truly understand why you might not feel ready to take that step toward divorce.

That part of you that feels the urge to leave is a clear indication — it’s a part of you yearning for safety, care, and peace.

Yet, there’s another side that clings to the marriage, trying to hold everything together. This inner struggle is very real, and navigating it can be quite challenging.

Reaching out for support can be incredibly beneficial, like seeking counseling from someone who gets the emotional and spiritual complexities of staying in or leaving an abusive relationship.

If you don’t want to get divorced, that’s fine. The choice is yours, and no one has the right to force you to do so.

If you do want to get divorced but are stuck or afraid to take the step — even though you know it’s better than staying — remember that only you can take that step when you’re ready.

No one can force you to do it. This is your life, and your choices matter. People can support and advise you, but the ultimate turning point lies within you.

We understand that coming to terms with the reality of an abusive relationship can be incredibly tough.

It can feel like a heavy burden, and the idea of leaving might seem out of reach. However, your safety, peace, and overall well-being are paramount, and you truly deserve a life that’s free from fear and harm.

You don't have to tolerate the abuse your husband puts you through, you are not a doormat. You are a human being, who deserves respectful treatment, and who's needs matter.

Don't choose to fall in the trap of many who say that the wife must remain patient (to have Sabr) with her husband no matter what he does to her. This is not Islamic, Allah is the most Just, and He would never tell a wife to do so when her husband is destroying her life. Allah stands with those who are abused, not against them.

Abusive husband