Narcissistic husband

• Puts you down whenever you are in a good mood
• Is envious of people's achievements
• Becomes bitter when he is not the center of attention
• Puts blame on anyone else except himself
• Does not take his responsibilities seriously
• Puts all the weight of the marriage on you
• Demands constant admiration and attention
• Lacks empathy and constantly hurts you without feeling remorse

1. Set boundaries

Boundaries are there to prevent your husband from harming you. And of course, your husband will not always respect your boundaries, but it is important that they are there as a safety measure.

Sometimes, it is not even necessary to tell him what things you are unwilling to tolerate. Think of things like screaming at you, cursing you, neglecting you, etc. These state the obvious — that he is crossing your personal boundaries.

Be firm in setting your boundaries whenever they are crossed. Have consequences ready whenever this happens.

And this is the ultimate challenge — whether you follow through or just let him cross your boundaries again and again.

Whenever you let him cross your boundaries and don't follow through on consequences, he will walk all over you and will not take your 'threats' seriously anymore.

So when he gets away time and time again, then you have let that happen, and accountability must be taken in that.

2. Stop putting yourself second

When your husband just keeps abusing you emotionally, neglects you, and makes your life way heavier than it needs to be, it happens because you place yourself second.

Abuse is unacceptable, and once you truly believe that, you will take action to stop it.

You should be first in this relationship. No one should be able to cross your boundaries time and time again.

Give yourself better than what you are giving yourself now. And sure, if you have children with him, that can make things harder, but it should not be a reason to abandon yourself and sacrifice your well-being.

Things can only become better once you place yourself first and start valuing your well-being.

If you choose to comply with his ego and accept the role of taking abuse from your narcissistic husband, you will feel very unhappy in your marriage, develop multiple health issues, lose interest in life, and waste the life Allah has given you.

3. Empower yourself

Empowering yourself is necessary if you want to live a life worth living — in which you feel good and are safe from abuse.

Saying no to abuse will help you overcome many obstacles that are currently going on in your marriage.

You should not sacrifice yourself for anyone, and you have the responsibility over your own health and well-being. Allah will question you about what you did with your life and the choices you made.

You might have been abused most of your life and chose to live on in this cycle because that is what you knew and believed you deserved for a long time. However, keep in mind that this is doing yourself injustice — and that abusing yourself is worse than someone else doing it to you.

It is up to you how you want to live your life. No one can decide that for you. When you choose yourself, doors will open that allow you to be free from abuse and manipulation. Being passive and taking it will only worsen the abuse over time.

4. Make peace with yourself

You might feel a deep discomfort with yourself, which comes with low self-esteem and a lack of valuing your well-being. This is the real core of the issue, as it prevents you from choosing safety and a better future.

It keeps you stuck and tells you that this is the way it is, that it will be like this for you forever, and that you do not deserve anything better than what you are in.

You might not value yourself as much as you’d like to, which is what makes you vulnerable to abusive people. You feel helpless and constantly return to what you know and what you believe you deserve.

This cycle can only be broken by you. It is when you say 'no' that things will change. You do not have to stay in an abusive environment. Allah does not want you to continue in suffering.

And there is no guilt in choosing what is best for your well-being. Anyone who makes you believe otherwise is trying to take advantage of you.

It may be time to stop giving up on yourself, and to start standing up for yourself. Choose a better life, free from abuse. Make peace with yourself, and Allah will help you live a life worth living.

5. Pressure him into change

You can create change in your husband once he chooses to take that opportunity. So you can invite a person to change, but whether he accepts it does not fall under your control.

You can also put some more pressure on him by showing the effects of what will happen if he refuses to change.

Allah gave us free will to do whatever we like. However, Allah also showed us the consequences of what will happen if we choose what is wrong. You can do the same with your husband — show him what is at the end of his bad choices.

You can tell him that you will no longer tolerate his abuse, and if he ignores that, you can actually take action by telling him you want a temporary separation.

Once separated, he gets to have the option to stay abusive or to change his ways. If he does not change his ways before the deadline, you follow through and file for divorce.

This is the only way to possibly create change in a narcissistic husband. Consequences put pressure on a person's behavior; a lack thereof allows the person to just continue.

He might want to get counseling if he is sincere in changing. Keep in mind that some men will manipulate their wife into believing they are changing, while they are not sincerely taking the steps to achieve that.

Being hopeful that your narcissistic husband will change without putting any pressure is like hoping a thief will become a charitable and noble person — it will only waste more of your time and energy.

6. Divorce, or stay

Allah has created a marriage that is meant to strengthen both partners and to be a means of comfort. An abusive marriage defeats the purpose it was meant to serve.

Your narcissistic husband may not be willing to change, and staying longer might be a waste of your time and energy.

Some men can change — but only when placed under certain pressure. So you could try and put some pressure on him, and if he still refuses to change, it tells you that you will be better off divorcing.

Divorce is halal; it is a way out of a marriage that does not fulfill its purpose. Allah gave you this option, and it is up to you whether you choose to take it or not.

Choosing to stay with a narcissistic husband can be detrimental to your health and well-being — but also to your children’s. Children deserve a better upbringing, free of abuse.

We are responsible for our own actions. Handing ourselves over to an abuser is wrong, and handing over children to an abuser is even worse.

حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى بْنُ بُكَيْرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، عَنْ عُقَيْلٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، أَنَّ سَالِمًا، أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ بْنَ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ أَخْبَرَهُ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ الْمُسْلِمُ أَخُو الْمُسْلِمِ، لاَ يَظْلِمُهُ وَلاَ يُسْلِمُهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ فِي حَاجَةِ أَخِيهِ كَانَ اللَّهُ فِي حَاجَتِهِ، وَمَنْ فَرَّجَ عَنْ مُسْلِمٍ كُرْبَةً فَرَّجَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ كُرْبَةً مِنْ كُرُبَاتِ يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ، وَمَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ‏"‏‏.‏ The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection." [Sahih Bukhari 2442]

Sure, you choose whatever you do with your life — but do not place others in danger or create unsafe environments. Whoever sees a person getting oppressed and does nothing will be held responsible on the Day of Judgement. It is in fact a type of abuse to allow abuse.

Staying while making du'a for change can be good temporarily, while actually taking steps to put pressure on your husband. But if you remain passive, take his abuse, and do nothing about it, asking Allah to magically make things better is not realistic.

If you sincerely want things to change, then you should take action — by, for example, putting pressure on your husband for him to possibly change, seeking support, and stopping the habit of forsaking your own well-being. Allah is with those who take the necessary steps.

Seek support

It is not easy to make that decision — whether you want to stay or leave your narcissistic husband. You might be married for a very long time, or you have children together.

Support lightens a heavy situation; it provides comfort and guidance. Islamic counseling can be a great choice to get clarity and remove helplessness.

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