Husband is not intimate with me | Fitrah Tawheed

No intimacy from the husband

It is very frustrating to observe the reality of your husband not being intimate with you. He may have been intimate with you once or twice, but he seems to not care about it that much.

It can result into an unhappy marriage whenever this problem keeps reappearing. You could then begin to feel quite alone. So how do you deal with a husband who is not intimate?

In this article, you read what you can do when you are struggling to get your husband to be intimate with you. Also, you get more clarity as to why your husband behaves this way. One of the causes might be because he is unable to connect to you on a deeper level.

Whatever the reason might be as to why he is not intimate with you, you would obviously want to resolve this problem, as it is one of the major causes of marital issues.

1. Tell him your concern

The first step is to express your concern of a lack of intimacy from him. It is important to express this in order to not pile up the hurt and pain that comes with not having intimacy with your husband.

After you have expressed your concern of not getting enough intimacy, start tracking the process towards getting intimacy. Does he become intimate with you just because you asked him to, or does he do this out of himself?

If you do not feel satisfied with the intimacy because it feels forced, then that is frustrating. You obviously want your husband to be intimate with you naturally, without you having to need to go after him time and again.

It becomes tiring after a while, and you may start to just accept the lack of intimacy for a great deal of time. But because you are human who needs love and connection, you will not be able to survive emotionally with such behavior from your husband, which is understandable.

2. Reflect

You probably know your husband by now and know that he is not an intimate person. He may be very negligent of you emotionally as well, which often goes together with the problem of not being intimate.

There is a reason your husband is not very intimate. He may have problems connecting with other human beings on a deeper level. As you know, intimacy is a process of deep bonding and connection, some people just do not want to do that.

A husband who is not intimate with you may feel like a foreigner to you at some stage. You begin to feel less than a partner and start to feel like his: friend, roommate, mother figure, business colleague or babysitter.

At this stage, it is crucial to reflect on your situation, and to decide if this is something you want to deal with any further.

3. Marriage counseling

Ask your husband if he would be open to get counseling with you for the problems you are facing at this stage of the marriage.

Not every husband will be open to this idea, as they might get defensive and not able to self-reflect on their behavior or actions.

If your husband is open to this idea, then get help from an Imam, Islamic marriage counselor or anyone who you feel is able to provide sufficient help.

4. Track potential progression

See how your partner starts to behave or change after sessions of marriage counseling or without. Is he really changing? Does he give you intimacy without you needing to go after him?

Track this process for one to two months, you will gain great insight into how your husband changed his behavior or not.

You might see that your husband is just acting as if he wants to change because he might get divorced from you, which may be a frightening thought to him because of his abandonment issues. If he is sincere, then there is hope, otherwise there is none.

5. Evaluation

If you tracked the process and found to be unsatisfied with the results, then this can be quite frustrating to experience. You obviously want your husband to be loving and intimate with you.

At this stage, you have to reflect whether you would like to move forward and continue this marriage with him. Look at your needs and respect them, because you have all the right to intimacy.

Not every husband is able to be intimate with his wife, and that can be because of many reasons. You are not the cause of this, while it is understandable that you might automatically feel that it is. It actually is not about you, he is just unable to connect to others on a deeper level.

Consider for yourself if you want to stay with a person who cannot connect to you on a deeper level. He will not be loving and intimate out of a sudden, and you cannot make that happen, unfortunately.

6. Decision

Now that you have seen how your husband behaves and is as a person, you might have a clearer vision as to how you want to proceed.

You might choose to stay with your husband and ensure to have physical company for the time being. But this comes with many negative sides, as you would not be getting your right for intimacy and love.

Another choice is to leave your husband and reclaim your life back. You deserve love and intimacy, your husband cannot give you that, unfortunately. This choice may make your life a bit harder in the short term, as you would be divorced and have to care for your children yourself if you have children.

Choose what is right for you and ask Allah to help you get through the process. Get individual counseling to reach a point to make a better decision for yourself.

Consequences of a lack of intimacy

As a wife, you would want to feel wanted and loved the way you are. This need cannot be fulfilled in a marriage that lacks intimacy.

Your mental health will gradually decline as the time goes by. Day by day, you would find yourself worrying, feeling stressed out, tired and exhausted mentally and emotionally.

The negative consequences of a lack of intimacy are many. You may begin to develop depression because of this. Your self-esteem will also suffer, as you would get constantly reminded that you are not loved and appreciated.

So how to change this or prevent this from happening? Choose yourself and your needs, respect them, and accept that you deserve intimacy from your partner.

Many women are dealing with this problem in their marriage. The choice of staying or leaving is yours, and nobody can make that decision for you.

Abu Athari writes about basic principles within Islam. He uses his critical and well-researched way to spread knowledge of the first three Muslim generations.

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