Going no contact with narcissistic parents

• "I know that brother robbed your home, stole your car, and emptied your bank account, but when you see him, smile at him because he is your brother."
• "I know that brother betrayed you by committing adultery with your wife, but he is your brother, so honor him."
• "I know that sister spoke about you behind your back, said terrible things about you, and damaged your reputation, but greet her because she is your sister."
• "I know that sister physically attacked you without justification, and you ended up needing stitches at the hospital, but move on and greet her because she is your sister."

• "I know your father robbed your home, stole your car, and emptied your bank account, but when you see him, smile at him because he is your parent."
• "I know your father betrayed you by committing adultery with your wife, but he is your parent, so honor him."
• "I know your mother gossiped about you behind your back, said terrible things about you, and severely damaged your reputation, but greet her because she is your mother."
• "I know your mother unjustly attacked you physically, and you needed stitches at the hospital afterward, but get over it and greet her because she is your mother."

Unfairness of blind honoring of parents

Islam does not call for blind honoring of parents, because such a system would be unjust. What honor belongs to someone who commits severe wrongdoing or oppression?

It is evident that in certain cases, parents forfeit the right to be honored because of the severity of the harm they have caused.

A person who has experienced persistent narcissistic abuse does not owe their parents anything. This aligns with justice, because to claim otherwise would imply injustice, and Islam does not permit injustice.

Victims who choose to go no contact with narcissistic parents are often shamed by others, and this is wrong. They should not be shamed for protecting themselves, preserving their dignity and self-respect, and refusing abuse.

There is nothing inherently wrong with cutting off contact with narcissistic parents if their behavior has caused severe psychological harm or led to suicidal thoughts. Boundaries exist within family systems as well, and parents are not exempt from them.

The belief that one must remain dutiful and respectful toward parents regardless of circumstances is not consistent with justice. Such a view would require injustice toward the victim — and Allah is never unjust.

Islam does not always conflict with no contact

In certain severe situations, Islam allows a person to go no contact as a matter of justice and fairness. This is because when serious boundaries are violated, the perpetrator may forfeit their rights over the victim.

We recognize this principle in other situations as well. Consider:

• A daughter who was sexually abused by her father
• A child who was abandoned as a baby and left without care
• A person who was tortured or treated like a prisoner by their parents

If we ask why birr al-walidayn would not apply in such situations, the answer ultimately comes down to justice for the victim.

It would be unjust to tell a victim of sexual abuse, severe abandonment, or physical torture that they still owe their parent loyalty or access, as this would dismiss their well-being.

This demonstrates that there are circumstances in which a person no longer owes their parents the same obligations.

Narcissistic parents traumatize their children through:

• Years of demeaning behavior, minimizing achievements, mocking appearance, or discouraging their child’s ambitions.
• Long-term emotional neglect, ignoring the child’s needs and failing to show care or validation.
• Abandonment, such as leaving for another country and starting a new life without the child.
• Repeated harsh physical punishment that creates lasting fear.

Some people believe that victims in such circumstances must still remain connected to their narcissistic parents and continue to owe them. However, this overlooks the depth of harm involved, as prolonged abuse can push a person toward suicidal thoughts.

When a person reaches such a state, it often reflects the severity of the abuse they have endured.

It is widely understood that victims of sexual abuse, abandonment, or prolonged physical torture may develop suicidal thoughts due to the deep internal damage caused by such experiences.

Psychological abuse is often minimized because it is less visible, yet harm of this nature is not insignificant. Every form of harm matters, and psychological abuse can at times be as damaging as, or even more damaging than, other forms of abuse.

It is well known that long-term bullying and emotional harm can lead to suicidal thoughts due to their traumatic effects. Psychological abuse, therefore, must be recognized as a serious and valid form of harm.

Grief

This phase is often the longest and demands significant time and effort. Victims will experience moments of collapse and rebuilding repeatedly.

The up-and-down cycle of healing from narcissistic parents is natural and should not be resisted.

Narcissistic parents leave behind substantial damage, but with Allah’s help, recovery is possible.

One grieves the reality that their family lacked good intentions, the false belief that everyone inherently has good in them, and the betrayal of trust by those closest.

This phase encompasses healthy expressions of anger and resentment, as well as sadness, fatigue, and anguish.

Defending against enablers

Victims of narcissistic abuse inevitably encounter people who defend the abusive parents. Often, these are siblings, uncles, aunts, or cousins.

Enablers seek the path of least resistance, which usually involves defending the narcissistic parent. They are unwilling to endure the personal loss that would come from supporting the victim.

Common statements from enablers include: "They didn’t mean it," "You’re exaggerating," or "Parents are to be honored in Islam."

Such responses invalidate the victim’s lived experience, pain, and trauma. While one may initially feel compelled to explain themselves, it quickly becomes clear that enablers were never going to defend the victim.

The victim learns to self-validate, remember that going no contact was necessary, and recognize it as an act of self-preservation and self-respect.

Defensive wall of no contact

When a victim chooses to maintain no contact, they may change their phone number, move away, and start a new life.

It’s as if a new chapter begins—leaving the past behind and not allowing it to control the future.

Harmful people who have betrayed them are removed from their lives, leaving no openings for further manipulation or abuse.

This process may occur while still in the grieving phase. Narcissistic abuse and betrayal trauma often reveal the true nature of a person’s biological family.

In many ways, people with narcissistic parents share experiences with orphans—they both may realize that they have no reliable family to depend on, though those with narcissistic parents discover this fact later in life, after repeated betrayal.

The next chapter

For many victims, beginning the next chapter can feel like an overwhelming step early in the healing process. But once fully ready, they approach it with determination.

This readiness comes from fully validating oneself and removing any lingering false shame that had held them back.

Starting this new chapter may involve pursuing dream jobs, building a family, spending quality time with oneself, and becoming the person one has always wanted to be.

Past experiences no longer hold sway over the future. Life begins to flow again, until the next challenge arises—though its impact is unlikely to match the intensity of what was endured with narcissistic parents and family dynamics.

Sometimes, the greatest challenge is not saved for last—it may appear as the very first test.

How would a compassionate grandfather respond?