Narcissistic damage and destruction
Having a narcissistic parent is incredibly difficult and challenging for several reasons. It is a crippling situation for victims, as parents are meant to be caring and loving, but this is not the case with narcissistic parents.
It leaves a person absolutely devastated, after coming to the realisation that they were never really loved, were used as an object, and were not seen.
The damage is great, and a victim of narcissistic abuse from parents can reach a stage where they cannot function in society, due to the damage done to their emotional health, and sometimes even physical health.
Narcissistic abuse from parents leaves multiple wounds, which is why it is so devastating to go through.
You may be dealing with a narcissistic mother, a narcissistic father, or sometimes even both. Each dynamic can bring its own unique challenges, but the pain and the need for healing remain just as real.
- Break of trust: The victim loses the ability to trust others, as the deepest trust has been broken. This means they cannot form friendships, allow close company, or maintain strong connections with relatives. They may even delay marriage or exclude it entirely.
- Physical conditions: Narcissistic abuse can lead to health issues due to the immense long-term stress it causes. The stress destabilizes the immune system, making the person vulnerable to various immune disorders, chronic fatigue, low stress tolerance, sleep disorders, and more.
- Deep emotional wound: Narcissistic abuse leaves a deep emotional wound, as the victim feels a heavy sense of betrayal. This causes intense pain and distress, making it difficult for the person to form close connections with others.
- Isolation: A victim of narcissistic abuse from parents may gradually develop isolation by closing off direct communication with the outside world. They often stay at home, avoid human connection, and struggle to maintain themselves.
Narcissistic abuse causes many more forms of damage to a person. It is a complete form of abuse, as it often involves every type of abuse there is.
The narcissistic parent uses their child financially, bullies them by saying hurtful things, neglects them emotionally by giving the silent treatment, and spiritually manipulates them into compliance by misquoting the Qur’an and Sunnah, etc.
The malignant narcissist (psychopathic narcissist) may even torture their child physically, leaving marks from objects such as shoes or sticks, or by throwing things. They cause the deepest wounds to a victim of narcissistic abuse, as they are much more sadistic and find pleasure in causing pain to others.
Healing from narcissistic abuse
Healing from narcissistic abuse by parents is a long process. It involves deep care and requires space and time to fully heal.
First, you need to make sure that you are in a situation where healing is possible. Living with your narcissistic parent will not allow you the space to grieve fully, which hampers your healing journey.
Healing begins once it is given the space it needs to unfold. This often happens when you move out from your narcissistic parent. Once you have moved out, true healing can start.
Now that you have protected yourself from further abuse by maintaining distance, your healing journey will begin once you have adjusted to your new environment. As you become more settled, you may notice that deep pain starts to rise to the surface.
That feeling of pain and discomfort marks the beginning of your healing journey—because now, you are finally in a place where you can begin working through it.
It can be very helpful to find a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse, especially if you want to heal at a faster and more effective pace. We offer Islamic counseling to support you in healing from narcissistic abuse by parents.
However, even without direct support, healing is still possible. You can make significant progress on your own through educational videos about narcissism, compassion from others, and consistent effort.
1. Pain and discomfort
This stage marks the beginning of your healing journey from narcissistic abuse. Now that you are in a safe environment, your body will allow you to begin healing. It starts bringing the pain and discomfort to the surface so that you can work through it.
It is quite challenging to face these feelings, as they can be overwhelming at first. The emotions are heavy and will not go away on their own. This means that only by dealing with them can they eventually 'vanish into thin air.'
So how can you deal with these feelings of pain and discomfort? What do you need to do to process these heavy emotions?
2. Allow yourself space and time
Processing trauma is not easy, and it takes time and significant effort. Because it is so deep and intense, it requires a strong plan of action. It also requires depth, which naturally takes time.
Healing from narcissistic abuse might take anywhere from six months up to a year, depending on your unique situation, how quickly you are able to process, and whether you receive support and help.
The key is not to rush the process, as that might leave gaps in your healing. Allow the natural flow of time and effort, without forcing healing.
Your body naturally encourages healing of any wound, whether physical or emotional. This helps us understand where we are along the healing process and what remains.
The goal is to heal, not to be fast. Of course, you want to heal as quickly as possible, but it’s important to allow the process to unfold naturally, without forcing it.
3. Processing
This stage allows you to heal bit by bit as you face the pain and discomfort. You begin to truly grieve the pain your narcissistic parents caused you.
What does processing grief look like? It means facing your heavy emotions, allowing them to be present, and slowly working through them with self-compassion.
For example: feeling the loss of your dream to have a functional and healthy family, letting that pain surface fully, sitting with it, feeling it, and gradually releasing it through self-compassion and care.
You develop self-compassion by being there for yourself, self-parenting, and validating your experiences. This creates a strong relationship with yourself, which allows your self-compassion to grow.
The goal is to allow anything that comes up. This can be challenging, as letting emotions surface may feel overwhelming. But gradually, you will get the hang of it and develop more tolerance for those feelings.
Going through tough emotions builds resilience and strength. It gives you a new ability to face very difficult challenges.
Day-to-day, processing your trauma, grief, and hurt might look like choosing specific moments during the day to sit with yourself without distraction, shifting your attention to how you feel and what goes on inside.
Such moments could be after going for a walk, having a meal, or after prayer. It is totally up to you when you choose to have these moments of what might look like meditation.
In a way, it is a form of meditation to sit with yourself without distraction while shifting your attention inward.
4. Testing your growth
During the healing journey, it is beneficial to regularly reflect on your growth. This can be done in several ways.
You will feel growth once your situation begins to change. You might start allowing some people back into your life, begin a new career, spend quality time with yourself, and more.
This stage usually comes toward the end of your healing journey. You will notice changes in how you feel about yourself, others, and your life moving forward.
Test your growth by observing how you react to triggering situations. When someone talks about your narcissistic parent, notice your internal response. Do your emotions take over, or do you feel some pain while still being able to control it?
Are you able to talk about your narcissistic parent without deep feelings of disgust and hatred? If yes, then you have made significant progress toward healing and are quite far along in your journey. If not, return to the previous step and continue processing those feelings. Healing is not linear; it is a complex journey with ups and downs.
The feelings of disgust, hatred, pain, and discomfort will naturally decrease in intensity as you slowly process them.
5. Release
Processing heavy emotions is hard, and it takes time. These feelings will not go away easily; they require your attention and deep work.
During the processing stage, you will learn a lot about how you handle your emotions. You start to become skilled at this, building more resilience and strength.
During the release phase, your feelings become much lighter than they used to be. Fully letting go of the pain requires self-compassion. This allows you to surrender to the trauma you suffered due to your narcissistic parents.
It also allows you to let go of what happened to you by accepting that it happened and choosing not to let it control you anymore. It is bidding farewell and opening a new chapter in your life.
You can only let go when you have processed the hurt and trauma you endured from your narcissistic parents. Once that hurt is processed, it opens a door toward letting go, giving you the ability to move forward.
You surrender yourself and move on from what once destroyed you. You feel empowered and give your final effort to fully heal from narcissistic abuse.
Dealing with hoovering
Narcissistic parents will do anything to pull you back into the abusive environment. They have made you their scapegoat, placing all blame on you, and they need you back to continue projecting their shame onto someone who takes it fully.
So how do you deal with hoovering attempts from narcissistic parents? First and foremost, the best approach is to prevent these attempts from happening in the first place. You can do this by blocking them on social media, changing your phone number, and keeping your address private.
Make it as impossible as you can for them to hoover you by closing all possible channels of communication.
If you have left the opportunity open for them to hoover you for some reason, you can still deal with it, though not very efficiently. Keep validating to yourself why you left them in the first place, and remind yourself that you are justified in doing so, as remaining with them would only be unjust.
Victims of narcissistic abuse should not give their parents the chance to employ manipulation tactics, as that would be like throwing yourself into deep waters. Protect yourself, validate your experiences, and do not betray yourself by allowing them to reach you. Fully healing is not possible when you allow your narcissistic parents to reach you.
Dealing with enablers
While you might not always be able to completely block siblings or other relatives who act as "flying monkeys" or enablers, you can still manage those interactions carefully and protect your boundaries effectively.
Siblings and other relatives will try to bring you back to your narcissistic parents. They do this because they have taken the roles assigned to them by your parents.
Narcissistic parents will bribe people to lure you back in. They use positive reinforcement, rewarding people whenever they do what they are ordered to do. This time, it becomes even more intense, as their biggest goal is to hoover you back in—to make the shame go away that they are destined to face due to pushing people away by being cruel and harsh.
People will try all sorts of tactics, from sending you Islamic reminders about maintaining family ties, to shaming you, to trying to destroy your image, and more.
All these tactics are designed to hoover you—to make you surrender and give in. They try to trigger you and make you feel guilty for choosing yourself instead of destroying yourself.
Place clear and strong boundaries with your siblings if they try to hoover you. Even if they do not directly try it but show signs of subtle hoovering, make it clear that you stand by your decision and are not willing to change it.
Anyone who shames you for choosing yourself shows their true colors. They do not truly care about your well-being; they only care about conforming to the narcissistic parents and pleasing them.
Uncles and aunts may try to act as reconcilers, asking you to share your side while not actually listening. Their only goal is to make you go back and just reconcile.
They often feel this duty because they would otherwise feel guilty for not doing what is expected of them by social conditioning. They want to remove that guilt by forcing you to return, just so they can feel at ease again. It is quite disgusting and egotistical if you think about it.
If such family members were honest and just, they would never have attacked or shamed you for going no contact, as they would understand that you only did this to safeguard yourself and your sense of self-worth.
Allah orders the believers to be just, even if it means going against family members. Justice means standing behind the victim and never supporting the wrongdoing family members.
۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا
O believers! Stand firm for justice as witnesses for Allah even if it is against yourselves, your parents, or close relatives. Be they rich or poor, Allah is best to ensure their interests. So do not let your desires cause you to deviate ˹from justice˺. If you distort the testimony or refuse to give it, then ˹know that˺ Allah is certainly All-Aware of what you do.
[4:135 Quran]
Required to maintain contact?
An oppressor loses their right to contact whenever they traumatize their victim. This can be through trauma such as rape, physical torture, extreme betrayal, heavy emotional abuse, and more.
Narcissistic abuse leaves a person deeply traumatized, as they feel destroyed by their own parents—those who were supposed to take care of them.
The betrayal is huge, and such a victim is often suicidal, which shows the heavy trauma at play.
Telling anyone to maintain contact with the person who made them feel suicidal is cruel and very wrong. It invalidates their experience and implies that what they went through is not that bad.
Narcissistic abuse is one of the worst forms of abuse there is. We would even go a step further and say it is the worst. This abuse is total and causes a person to lose their sense of self—and that is a total loss.
Islamically, you are not required to maintain contact with a person who made it their goal to destroy you, just to make you their slave who relies on them fully. Allah is never unfair to anyone.
Because narcissistic abuse is so traumatic, a victim can cut ties with their narcissistic parents. No person of sound mind would say that such a victim must remain with their abusers or contact them regularly.
There is a line, and whoever crosses it will face the consequences. Not being able to walk away implies there is no line and that parents can do whatever they want without consequences.
The guilt factor
Many victims of parental abuse feel guilt after leaving their parents. This is due to deeply ingrained psychological conditioning that you must always be good to your parents.
What makes this conditioning so strong is that society pushes the idea of never going against your parents.
After distancing yourself or cutting ties, you feel a deep guilt that stems from that social conditioning. Your action has triggered that conditioning, and you have radically gone against it.
You feel guilt because this social conditioning controls you. You feel like you have done something wrong and that you should feel bad.
However, feeling bad is only justified when the action itself is wrong. You will begin to be free when you start to rethink and break the social conditioning. Breaking free means refusing to let false social conditioning control you.
A sinner for going against your parents?
Cutting ties is not forbidden when it is the only way to secure your health and well-being. You are not bad for refusing to give in to your narcissistic parents.
You have done what was necessary to save yourself. Parents who abuse their children lose the right to continue having them around.
And Allah is not angry at you for distancing yourself or going no contact with your narcissistic parents, nor have you sinned. Why would He be angry? Is He not the Most Just, the One who is fair?
It is only fair to distance yourself from your narcissistic parents when they damage and destroy you. Allah does not want to torture you by demanding contact with those who harm you.
Forgiveness is not required
You may feel the need to forgive your parents, as people often demand this from you and say that Islam requires you to forgive your parents. But you are not required to forgive them.
Forgiveness remains a choice; no one can force a person to forgive. You may not want to forgive your narcissistic parents, perhaps because they do not truly feel regret or because they went too far for you to be able to forgive them.
And you are not sinful for not forgiving them. You have the right to withhold forgiveness, and you will not be blameworthy for it, as what they did is unacceptable.
They cannot escape responsibility by demanding forgiveness and telling you to move on. That is not how it works.
And do not fall for the manipulation tactic that says you will not be able to heal if you withhold forgiveness. You can heal, even without forgiving your parents. Healing does not require forgiveness; it requires radical acceptance and letting go of the emotional tension surrounding the abuse you went through.
No honor for those who are abusive
There will be no honor for those who cause chaos on earth, hurt others, break people’s spirits, and take advantage of them.
Allah will never place a wrongdoer on a pedestal, no matter who they are. Mothers and fathers have a great responsibility, and if they do not take it seriously, they will face the consequences Allah has prepared for them.
Surely, the Quran commands believers to honor their parents and be dutiful to them. However, this does not apply to every parent—there are exceptions.
To say there are no exceptions is to imply that Allah is unfair and unjust, but Allah is free from any imperfection or wickedness.
Therefore, there must be exceptions to ensure justice and fairness, because Allah would never want believers to suffer unjustly.
Abusive parents are not to be honored, and dutifulness does not apply to them when they break you in every possible way. In such cases, it is your responsibility to save yourself from destruction.
The role of dua
Dua is a powerful way to help yourself heal and grow in life. It allows you to feel ease and gently smooth your path toward healing.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse feel furious, angry, and full of wrath toward their narcissistic parents, as they feel deeply betrayed and greatly harmed.
They use dua to make their parents feel the suffering they endured and to seek justice.
This is their right, and no one can say you cannot make dua against your abusive parents when they have caused you great harm. A believer can make dua against any oppressor. Sometimes, a believer makes dua for the better, hoping the oppressor will repent and see the light.
Some victims make this kind of dua to lessen the suffering and to protect others from oppression. They ask Allah to guide the oppressor to change for the better. This can be a beautiful form of dua when one wants those affected by oppression to be saved.
However, this dua is not always answered in the way we expect, as Allah knows what we do not, and His plan is better than ours. It may be that an individual’s growth is greater through tribulation than through the immediate end of that tribulation.
Whatever the case, whether the victim asks Allah to punish their narcissistic parent or to guide them, the supplication of the oppressed is powerful.
عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ اتَّقِ دَعْوَةَ المَظْلُومِ فَإِنَّهَا لَيْسَ بَيْنَهَا وَبَيْنَ اللَّهِ حِجَابٌ
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
"Beware the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah."
[Sahih Bukhari 2442]
Allah never forsakes those who draw near to Him and seek His pleasure. He will never forsake those who have been victimized by oppressors. Allah loves His servants even more than a kind and loving mother loves her child.
Rebuilding yourself
It can feel very challenging to turn your back on your parents. Guilt may start to creep in because of social conditioning, but there is also the feeling of powerlessness.
Rebuilding yourself will take time, and it is hard because you feel disheartened and powerless without having any parents you could rely on. It may feel like it takes away most of your power, even though it only takes away part of it.
Your whole life you have been made to stay with your parents, and they may have arranged crucial things in your life, such as education, a home, sustenance, and more. You might feel quite powerless when you choose to take care of yourself — where should you begin, and how?
You can finally become an individual and build strength, without relying much on others to take care of you. This stage will teach you that you can take care of yourself, even if it might be hard at first. You chose to take this step toward freedom, and now you will face the challenge of taking care of yourself.
You can feel whole without a parental bond. Your parents do not define you; it is your own sense of self that defines you. That is something you will discover along the way.
A sense of self gets built when you validate yourself. Your whole life you have been invalidated by your parents; now it is time to validate yourself and give yourself the right you deserve.
And yes, you can feel deep disgust and hatred toward your narcissistic parents, as that is only a natural feeling when you have been abused and damaged. But you will heal, and slowly, those intense feelings of hurt will become less intense, allowing you to observe your healing journey.
Developing your relationship with Allah
Narcissistic abuse can also damage your bond with Allah, because it harms your health, leaving you fatigued and unable to practice acts of worship.
You may have even been more spiritually active before you left their environment, as you feel the damage worsened over time.
If you were once a practicing person who was close to Allah, but then became less strong in your religion, know that you can still rebuild that bond with Allah.
It may take some time, because you might be too fatigued to perform many acts of worship, but that is okay. You do not need to perform extra forms of worship, and Allah understands why you are not performing them anymore.
We are human, and there is only so much we can endure. Supererogatory acts of worship require strength, and a person who has gone through destruction would not be able to perform them regularly.
Allow your body and mind to heal. Only then will you be able to perform many extra acts of worship. You can still try to do whatever your well-being allows, and Allah will reward you greatly for your effort.
Maintain a bond with Allah by reminding yourself that He is on your side, and that He is not angry at you for having chosen your health and well-being.
Have good thoughts of Allah, and do not allow people to manipulate you into thinking that Allah would blame you for safeguarding yourself from harm. You have the right to cut ties with whomever destroys your health and well-being.
The loneliness
Victims of narcissistic parents often feel the inevitable sense of isolation, especially because the pain is so personal and requires them to face it alone.
Healing from narcissistic abuse can feel very lonely. This loneliness is amplified by the lack of understanding others have toward victims of this type of abuse. People often victim-blame, tell the victim they were wrong to leave their parents, or warn them of Allah’s punishment.
All of this leaves a person even more isolated, causing them to withdraw from others due to the lack of support and understanding.
The victim now feels completely alone, isolated from the outside world as a form of self-protection. Alone, they must face the pain and discomfort of heavy emotions that surface regularly, often leaving them overwhelmed and struggling with daily functioning.
Victims of narcissistic abuse may fall into a depression that can become intense and deep. But with Allah’s help, even the weakest can find a way out — just as Prophet Yusuf was rescued from a deep well, having been thrown into it by his own family.
You too will find a way out of this overwhelming emotional pain and darkness. It takes time and effort, but slowly the darkness will lift, and light will begin to shine through.
Why this loneliness feels so heavy
Loneliness forces us to face our internal world, which means we are also forced to face the reality that people have betrayed us in significant ways.
It makes you feel the sadness, hurt, and betrayal. Now you have to face what goes on inside you, and there is no escape from it. This is why loneliness feels so heavy.
How to deal with loneliness
Loneliness is quite challenging to deal with, especially because it is so layered and deep. This state tells you that you must look within, and that escaping is no longer an option.
So how should you deal with this loneliness? Validate it, and know that it is here to help you heal — even though it might feel like a prison. Loneliness allows you to give attention to your internal world and build a strong relationship with yourself.
It yearns for a change in the relationship you have with yourself. It draws you in, urging you to build that strong connection.
But it is heavy, because you would naturally want to escape from the shame and low self-image you carry — because it hurts. You also do not want to feel the hurt that has deepened over the years.
However, Allah makes it easier for His servants, and He will never forsake them. Seek support from a counselor or people you trust, and go through your emotions together for a more efficient healing journey.
And if you were to choose the lonely route to healing, then that is also possible. You do not require anyone in order to heal from narcissistic abuse.
The only one you truly need is yourself. You were the one who took action, stood up against injustice, protected yourself, and stopped the abuse.
That shows you are capable of making big changes in your life. It is through powerful action that change arises.
Validate your experiences, feel the hurt you went through, grieve the reality of having narcissistic parents, support yourself, and rely on Allah.
Loneliness is only heavy when you have a bad relationship with your internal world. Once your internal world no longer scares you, being with yourself will no longer feel uncomfortable.