When your husband ignores you | Fitrah Tawheed

Why your husband ignores you

There can be various reasons why your husband is ignoring you. Feeling ignored is never pleasant. It damages your self-confidence, relationship, and trust in your husband. You can start to feel quite unhappy when the ignoring continues and there seems to be no change.

Being ignored is one of the many well-known marital problems that often comes with other toxic behaviors such as neglect, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse.

The rights of wives are to receive love, attention, and respect from their husband. Your rights are thereby taken away in a rather harsh manner.

1. Argument

arguments come in all forms. They are meant to be resolved, not to escalate further.

During a quarrel, ignoring can be a human reaction, but this must be controlled to a certain level.

If the quarrel seems to be over but the ignoring continues, this is a form of passive-aggressive punishment, also known as the 'Silent Treatment'. This technique is often used by people with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.

The way it is used differs in the two personality disorders. One does it because of stress or deep emotional pain caused by the quarrel, and the other does it to maintain control and dominance.

This is an unjust way to treat your partner, and is not encouraged anywhere in the Quran or Sunnah.

What is encouraged is that if a woman is disobedient, she is first warned, then intimacy can be withheld, and as a last resort, light physical correction may be used.

And if you sense ill-conduct from your women, advise them (first), (if they persist) do not share their beds, (but if they still persist) then discipline them (gently). But if they change their ways, do not be unjust to them. Surely Allah is Most High, All-Great.
(4:34 Quran)

The verse does not mention that a man may ignore his wife if she is disobedient. It states that he can refuse to share the bed with her to encourage her to reconsider her act of disobedience and return to obedience.

It also happens that some men refuse to share the bed due to arguments without any disobedience from the wife. This is also unjust and reprehensible.

The verse speaks about situations where a woman might have been disobedient, but this is not necessarily applicable in many arguments where the man ignores his wife.

Unfortunately, it still happens that many men ignore their wives as a form of punishment, which is completely inappropriate and reprehensible.

2. Loss of Interest

In most cases, ignoring happens when the man loses interest in his wife. Of course, ignoring in this context is unjust, and he is acting unfairly by doing so.

He consciously keeps himself busy with distractions such as sports or hobbies to avoid you. He might also choose to spend more time at work, coming home later than usual.

Losing interest could be due to his own issues, such as being unable to form/maintain close bonds. This means you are not always the reason for his loss of interest.

There can be no loss of interest if your husband is usually energetic and involved in the relationship. However, it is a sign of loss of interest when he shows little to no interest in the relationship over a long period by neglecting you, making mean comments, and blaming you for everything.

Loss of interest is most common in people with a narcissistic personality disorder, as they are unable to form/maintain emotional and close bonds with others.

3. Not Wanting to Invest Energy

Another possible reason why your husband ignores you is because he does not want to invest energy in the relationship. He feels burdened by all the tasks he is responsible for and tries to avoid them.

He avoids this by giving you little attention, not maintaining you enough, or not helping with the children.

Your husband behaves this way because he is unable to show maturity in the relationship, seeing tasks as heavy burdens he does not want/cannot bear.

This also has to do with a deep problem with forming/maintaining emotional relationships, as it can only be seen as a burden when that is the case.

In such a relationship, you often feel alone and under heavy pressure from tasks that are placed on you, even when they are not necessarily your tasks.

In most cases, this behavior points to a narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder.

4. Unable to Take Responsibility

Another reason could be that your husband consciously ignores you because you try to hold him accountable.

He avoids his responsibilities by giving you the 'Silent Treatment' when you bring it up. To prevent you from bringing it up, he also ignores your emotional needs, preventing you from having a deep relationship with him.

The periods of ignoring can last from weeks to months, as a form of punishment he imposes on you for trying to hold him accountable. It is also a manipulation technique to avoid having to take responsibility.

In most cases, this behavior points to a narcissistic personality disorder.

Is your husband capable of taking responsibility? Then he may have difficulty doing so specifically in this situation, choosing to avoid it. In that case, it is not necessarily a narcissistic personality disorder.

Getting Support and Guidance

We understand why it is very difficult for you that your husband is ignoring you. It is quite painful and frustrating.

Because it can be so harmful to your health, it will only get worse if this problem is not addressed. Therefore, support and guidance are helpful to prevent further problems.

It is always helpful to ask for help or support from friends. A step further would be Islamic counseling, which we also offer for women dealing with this issue.

With your female Islamic counselor, you can express your frustrations safely while receiving professional advice and guidance from an Islamic perspective.

Abu Athari writes about basic principles within Islam. He uses his critical and well-researched way to spread knowledge of the first three Muslim generations.

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